WK24 - 2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

Doesn't that sound an awful like the Ottawa Senators?

Holy fuck, after such a fantastic run, the Sens lose two straight over the weekend and are now playing catch up again. I'm not shitting all over this team already (not by a long shot) but I am supremely depressed. Having watched this young team burger up and #HAM it for a 15 game stretch is no easy task, and I applaud their efforts in rejuvenating the City that had pretty much written them off a few months earlier. Consistency is the hardest part in any profession, and these lads still need time to perfect it. While I remain optimistic, the hill is indeed a hard one to climb. But progress is progress, even if there are setbacks along the way. No one can deny the progress that this team has made.

"It was hilarious to see the Leafs take them out over the weekend, though," smirked Safari.

Shut up Safari. My heart cannot take this.

Anyway, speaking of two steps forward and one step back, there was an intra-week change in leadership during this week's competition inside Tri-Hard! Sitch temporarily dethroned Burgundy from top spot, only to give it back on the weekend. Though he still trails, Sitch can look at this as a step in the right direction, though, like the Sens, there is a significant hill to climb.

"I didn't expect to take back the lead immediately," said Sitch, sprinkling some flaxseed over his protein-enhanced yogurt. "These things take time, and I'm patient."

Another select-GM with supreme patience is Safari, who has quietly made up ground and finds himself being only one of three selet-GM's to surpass the 3,000 point mark. He's been the top bread winner for two weeks straight now, and is within striking distance of Sitch and Burgundy. Quite impressive, considering that only a month ago he was about 300 points behind Sitch, who was then the leader of Tri-Hard!

Never lose focus.

So let's look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

As I said before, Safari was this week's top bread winner, taking in 134.60 fantasy points, edging out Burgundy who brought home 133.15 fantasy points. Safari was also the only select-GM to maintain his PPGP week-over-week; all other select-GM's saw their PPGP fall week-over-week. Sitch still leads PPGP with a 3.48, though Burgundy and Dick Burns aren't far behind; each sports a 3.43.

Safari can thank his LA roster players (Anze Kopitar and Jonathan Quick) for turning in strong weeks, as well as Jamie Benn of the Dallas Stars.

What can happen in the final 12 days is anyone's guess. Once again, I am sad to see a glorious season coming to an end, but all great things must be wrapped.

"I agree," said Dick Burns, "... unless she's already on the pill."

Wise words, Dick.

WK23 - Balderdash!

Am I serious, or am I lying?

I've been a happy man as of late, mostly because Sens games are starting to mean something again. Never would I have thought I'd see grilled patties thrown onto the ice at the CTC, but then again, crazier things have happened. (Like me allowing Sitch to write about Bitch-It's-Sitch™, for example.)

But I am also happy lately because I had a recent visit with a few select-GM's; specifically, Tree Bone, Dick Burns and Sitch. Burgundy and Safari have been MIA recently; I believe Burgundy is frantically running his eyes through NHL scouting reports, trying it pick up last minute players to solidify his position in Tri-Hard! while Safari is #HAMMING it on Netflix. Needless to say, it has been quiet and somewhat lonesome for the white-haired Randy, so it was a welcoming feeling to see Dick, Tree and Sitch.

Dick Burns was back in #Hamburglar Town last week and he, Tree Bone and Sitch sat down for some wine, cheese and guacamole. They were at House of Sitch for the festivities. Commissioner Randy sat in on the visit, chatting it up and downing some good grub. A friendly game of Balderdash was also played, which surprised the hell out of me because I thought Sitch was illiterate.

"I was surprised too," said Tree Bone. "He (Sitch) actually came up with some pretty insane definitions for some of the words; believable, even. I couldn't believe how legitimate his definitions sounded."

The select-GM's also discussed several other topics, all of which were non-business related; it was pure fun and passion.

"All conversations with Dick Burns are always of that nature," said Dick Burns.

Pure fun and passion eh, Dick Burns? Even the conversation you had between you and the OPP for a speeding ticket you received while driving up the 401 to Ottawa?

"... No, I guess that wasn't all fun and passion," said Dick Burns. "Fine, ALMOST all conversations with Dick Burns are pure fun and passion."

"That was me," said Dick Burns.

Fortunately, with his Dick Burns charm, he was able to negotiate the ticket down substantially. No demerit points; just a few coins from his pockets. Count yourself lucky, Dick!

Anyway, here are this week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

I'm a bit tired today so I won't get into the number crunching. You gentlemen and lady can eye the numbers for yourselves and make your own conclusions. For now, I'm off to reside in a deepie to get some shut eye and rest.

"Deepie?" asked Safari.

It's a deep cave... or something... right?

"I've been in my fair share of deep caves," chuckled Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK22 - How Does My Ass Look?

"Y'all lookin' at my ass, right?"

It's easy getting used to leading the pack.

For 11 weeks, Sitch's chiselled ass was at the forefront, leading the way and being chased by the herd. Sitch was focused and determined, but that didn't stop him from gloating, boasting and throwing in the occasional unnecessary squat or twerk just to piss off his fellow select-GMs.

"I couldn't help it," said Sitch. "When you're out in front for such a long time, you just want to torture those who are behind you. They're chasing you but you're getting away. Why not shake your bootie a little, right?"

But now with Burgundy at the reigns, it's time for Randy's Tri-Hard! participants to be tortured by the view of another ass. A pompous Burgundy definitely rivals a chiselled Sitch.

"You guys can chase all you want," said Burgundy, nonchalantly. "I've got all the tools to dethrone this butt-fucked Sitch, as well as the rest of you. My pedigree, my MPA intelligence and my manly facial hair are too much for you (below) Average Joe's (and Josette's).

"Staches are for fuckin' men."

Let's take a look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Adds McGuire: A pretty productive week, for the most part. With the exception of Dick Burns, all select-GM's managed to earn triple digit point accumulations this week; Tree Bone came out on top with 153.45 fantasy points. She can thank Henrik Zetterberg (1 G, 5 A) and Tuukka Rask (3 W, 5 GA, 1 SHO) for being in top form. Tuukka Rask - what a monster!

Adds McGuire: The bodacious Burgundy strikes again - two weeks in a row! He's loving the SC87 magic stick! With 2 G and 3 A this week, the Crosbone helped Burgundy stay on top. The media has been littered with various headlines this year, from the Evander Kane and Nazem Kadri distractions to the Ovechkin/Price/Tavares MVP debate, but little has been said on Crosby, who has had a good (albeit quiet) season. The Crosbone has been good and consistent for Team Burgundy, and it looks like SC87 is saving his best for the end of the season. What a monster!

Adds McGuire: Sitch's once powerful PPGP is now within reach. He still leads the League with a 3.51 PPGP, but that's only marginally ahead of next-best Dick Burns, who sports a 3.48. Burgundy is hanging steady at 3.46, while Safari clocks in at 3.21 and Tree Bone sports a 3.12.

Adds McGuire: Not much has changed in the rainbow, but if I look at the player numbers a bit closer, it does have a slight story behind it. In the last few weeks, Burgundy has been able to maintain a relatively steady PPGP for his players, whereas all other select-GMs have seen decreases. Looks like the players Burgundy has been putting on the ice are consistently putting up the same numbers, which cannot be said for all select-GM rosters.

I've diced these stats from hundreds of different angles. After I considered all perspectives, I have this to say: it's going to be one fucking close race. With Burgundy and Sitch neck and neck, a good showing on one night can completely change the look of each team. Sitch has about 20 games in hand as well and is overdue for a good week ever since being plagued by injuries, so my guess is that a tighter Tri-Hard! is just around the corner. Safari, in terms of total points, is not far behind either; a good week from him and it'll suddenly be a three-legged race.

"Don't waste your time, gents," said Burgundy. "You're in tough shit."

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

WK21 - We Have a New Leader

"I've been waiting for this moment..." 

Some were wondering if this day would come; to be quite honest, I thought it was a tad out of reach, given the lead Sitch had built up. But lo and behold, the day is upon us, spawned by astronomical player performances and ebbs and flows. Sitch is no longer atop the rankings in Tri-Hard!

"It is a sad day," said Sitch, spoonful of rice in hand. "I held on for as long as I could. Really, I did. But the effort just wasn't enough. Effort is so important. That's why I profess it so strongly in my program, Bitch-It's-Sitch!™ --- "

That's enough, Sitch. That's PLENTY enough.

Mr. Ronald (fucking) Burgundy now leads Tri-Hard!, knocking Sitch down to second place for the first time in 11 weeks. Burgundy is ahead of Sitch by a fraction: 5.50 fantasy points, to be exact.

"Great Odin's Raven that's close," said Burgundy, popping a mini bottle of champagne to toast this mid-season triumph. "I'm not celebrating yet, as I know there is still plenty of hockey left to play, but I am happy to finally see my team perform the way it should."

Indeed Burgundy. Indeed. Let's take a look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Burgundy was this week's top bread earner, collecting 163.35 fantasy points. Honourable mention goes to Safari, who picked up a respectable 126.10 fantasy points. Burgundy can thank Devan Dubnyk for a solid goaltending week, as well as most of his forwards and defensemen, who all turned in balanced scoring performances.

As stated previously, Sitch's streak of weeks at number one has ended. He spent an incredible 11 weeks atop the Tri-Hard! rankings. For shits and giggles, here are some oldskool tracks that spent 11 weeks at number one on Billboard:

"One Sweet Day" - Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men (December. 9, 1995)

The 90's were all about white t-shirts etc. eh? (see "I Want It That Way" - BSB)

"I Love You Always Forever" - Donna Lewis (August 31, 1996)

This might have been the worst title for a song (also the mushiest), but then I had to take a step back and remember that music from the 2000's are even worse. At least Donna Lewis spelled the title of her song correctly, with 'reasonable' grammar, as opposed to these gems: the use of extra R's in "Dirrty" - Christina Aguilera (2002) and "Hot In Herre" - Nelly (also 2002), bad grammar in the song title "The Way I Are" - Timbaland (2007) and "Lonely Day" - System of a Down (2005) which used a double superlative, "the most loneliest day in my life" in the in the chorus. Good times, good times!

"Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia (April 25, 1998)

What happened to this girl?

 And of course, Mrs. Safari's favourite:

"Independent Women" - Destiny's Child (November 18, 2000)

Let's not forget one of the greatest 11's of all time:

But to hell with streaks. All we are about is the present. And presently, Burgundy is in charge.

Can you say nose dive? Sitch still leads PPGP, but it's down to 3.54 (previously 3.59). Dick Burns is now a stone's throw ("Ouch!" said a lynx) away from overtaking the PPGP department; he sports a 3.50. Burgundy is humming steady at 3.46.

"Humming is much more fun when you have a moustache," said Burgundy. "You can really feel the vibrations in the hairs."

Last but not least, the rainbow. We're starting to see fewer rows of green; every select-GM seems to be evening out. A mix of greens, yellows, oranges, and reds across the board.

"Sitch still has games in hand, so I am aware that this lead is not safe by any means. In my opinion, this 'Burg Surge' of mine also came at the expense of unfortunate health circumstances for Sitch; his team has been plagued by Inuits."

Inuits?

"Uh... yeah, Inuits," said Burgundy. "No? Wait... (looks at PromptApp)... In-u-... Inj-u...Oh! Injuries! I meant injuries!" 

Wise words, dick.

CSA (iii) - Trade Deadline Extended to Mar. 12

Dear select-GM's,

The trade deadline has been extended to March 12, 2015 (previously March 5, 2015). This is due to a trade negotiation between Dick Burns and Safari which had been ongoing prior to March 5 but was settled seconds before the deadline passed. Surprise, surprise: Dick Burns squeaks in a late trade.

"Pardon?" said Dick Burns. "I'm pretty sure I was on time!"

Because it was so close to the deadline, Yahoo! did not accept it. As Commissioner, I will allow this trade to proceed. To be fair to all, I have extended the trade deadline by a week so that more trade negotiations may be considered if need be.

If any of you have an issue with this, kindly call my secretary and set up a meeting with Mr. Fucking Randy. Bring some red wine and we can discuss.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

WK20 - Gonna Grab Some Afternoon Delight

Ron Burgundy's got a skip in his step these days.

"... (singing)... My motto's always been, 'When it's right, it's right'. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark ni--- Oh my goodness, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?" asked Burgundy, grinning.

No, but I was talking about you, Burgundy. Talking about you and referring to your recent upbeat mood. For those who don't know, Burgundy has recently gone MIA; his lucrative employment has allowed him to skip town for a few weeks and head down south and soak in the sun. A great luxury for such a successful MPA, given how bloody cold it's been in Southern Ontario over the last month.

"Indeed," said Sitch. "I haven't even been able to breakout into my normal workout sweats without them turning into frost on my skin."

That sounds kinda gross, Sitch. But aside from witnessing breathtaking views of the tropics, Burgundy is also witnessing something else which is remarkable: his surge in fantasy point accumulation.

That's right; it appears that the lead which Sitch had built so carefully over the first three quarters of the season is faltering; the loss of key roster players due to injury (Seguin, Lundqvist and Andersen) has deflated his once-torrent pace, while Burgundy's ebb and flow rises to Threat Level Midnight.

Let's take a look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. Pierre McGuire will provide the colour commentary.

Adds McGuire: If I told you that Sitch earned the lowest points this week, would you believe me? Well, that's exactly what happened. For the first time since WK1, Sitch mustered up fewer than 100.00 weekly fantasy points (excluding the week in which the All-Star Weekend was held).  He only generated 96.05 fantasy points. Conversely, this week's top bread earner was Dick Burns, who beat out Burgundy by one point, 130.30 fantasy points to 129.30 fantasy points.

"God damn it Dick Burns!" said Burgundy. "Why you always gotta out-tap my ass?!"

Adds McGuire: This chart still looks pretty intimidating as Sitch remains atop the rankings, but did you know he's now only 66.75 fantasy points ahead of second place Burgundy. One good night from Burgundy, paired with a lacklustre night by Sitch, and the gap between the two could pretty much be eliminated.

"Just wait for the next Super-Saturday," said Burgundy. "I'll have him by then."

Adds McGuire: Sitch still leads overall in PPGP, but do you see that nose dive? I do! It's the first time in 10 weeks that Sitch has failed to average more than 3.60 PPGP. Since last week, his PPGP has deflated to 3.59 (previously 3.64). Dick Burns is second with a 3.48 (up from 3.44) and Burgundy is third with 3.45 (up from 3.44).

Adds McGuire: I'm shocked with the rainbow. Look at how far Sitch has fallen off in terms of goal scoring. This was the man who had previously scored the most while playing the least amount of games at one point. Now he's either near or below League averages in almost every category. If it wasn't for his +/- and hard-nosed stats (PIMs, blocks, hits, etc.) he would be in serious trouble.

We haven't had any movement in the League in quite some time. We are long overdue. Come on, select-GM's. Make it happen!

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- Morpheus Randy