WK11 - Happy Holidays from Commissioner Randy

This is Commissioner Randy, wishing you a safe and happy holidays from Tri-Hard! headquarters. I am very fortunate to know each and every one of you select-GM's, and I thank you for being a part of my funny life. With the holidays just around the corner, this week's stats report will be a little more 'holly-jolly' than usual. So, here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

This week's top bread earner was Burgundy, who booked 164.05 points. His monster performer ("Hey! That's my line!" cried McGuire) was Patrick Kane, who scored 2 G and added 5 A during the week. The return of Patrick Sharp (owned by Sitch) appears to have given Kane more room to do his thang on the ice; he's been a threat every time he's been on the ice and Burgundy has benefited handsomely from it.

"Oh, it has been handsome. I'm also quite handsome," said Burgundy.

"Come see how good I look!"

Charming, Ronald Burgundy. Just charming.

Sitch was able to remain atop the Tri-Hard! rankings for two consecutive weeks, a feat that had previously only been accomplished by Safari this year. He's hanging on by a thread though, as Safari is only a handful of points behind.

Sitch still leads the League in PPGP with 3.64 (unchanged from last week), which is 0.26 better than the League average (3.38). Burgundy, who was this week's top bread earner as mentioned previously, had the best improvement in his PPGP; his stat is now 3.43 (last week: 3.37). Safari also had a strong week in terms of efficiency; his PPGP increased to 3.38 (last week: 3.32). All other select-GM's remained relatively unchanged from previous week. All in all, the League was more productive this week, gaining on average of 0.02 PPGP.

Adds McGuire: That's because Crosby came back!

Easy there, McGuire. Grab a tissue and clean yourself off.

In terms of the rainbow, there weren't any significant changes, except for Burgundy, who is showing a lot more green in the goalie statistics, thanks to a few wins from Marc-André Fleury, as well as a shutout performance.

"Jeah!" said Burgundy.

When the New Year hits, Randy's Tri-Hard! will be half over (crazy eh?). So, my dear select-GM's, time is still ticking. If you're planning on making a run for the top, start strategizing now. Make a few calls, run your eyes over a few scouting reports and place your bets accordingly. The belt is very much up for grabs and, from what I hear, it is looking for a new owner who won't wear it out with crunches.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

BREAKING: Burgundy Indulges in Carbo-Load

"Take notes, Sitch" smirked Burgundy.

After last night's games, Burgundy had lots to celebrate.

"Oh jeah! Most definitely!" cheered a rosy-cheeked Burgundy. "Scotch for everyone!"

Team Burgundy clocked in one of the biggest point accumulations in a single night, amassing 61.95 points with nine players on the ice, which works out to an average of 6.88 points earned per player. Not too shabby if you ask me.

Adds McGuire: Not too shabby for me either! What a monster performance! And, Burgundy was able to manage the feat even without a little SC87 magic... how is that possible?!

Burgundy can thank his forwards for turning in a solid night. With the exception of Filip Forsberg, all his forwards turned in multi-point nights. Including his defensemen, Burgundy earned a whopping 5 G and 8 A from his players, good for 49.70 fantasy points. Jimmy Howard's shutout performance added another 12.25 points for a total of 61.95 points on the night. His team's efforts have propelled him into second place, pushing Safari to third.

"I have four words for ya: Master in Penial Analytics!" shouted Burgundy, flexing his biceps.

The results of last night's performance was so thrilling for Burgundy that he even indulged in a little carbo-loading, a trademark practice usually executed by Sitch. Burgundy was seen gorging down carbs at a rapid pace before settling in front of a mirror and curling over a thousand bicep curls.

"I've always seen Sitch do the carbo-load when something bad has happened," said Burgundy. "I never quite understood it; I usually eat when I'm happy. So I tried it after last night's games and I loved it.

"I'm here to crush him. Not just crush his reign at the top, but also his legacy. I'm out to destroy every living tradition that small man has."

"Bitch-It's-Sitch! is nothing." - Burgs

Looks like the gun show is on. Sitch, who still leads overall after last night's games, could not be reached for comment as he was busy attempting to hack and destroy PromptApp.

As we head into the holiday season, it appears that there is no sign of backing down from either select-GM. Competition is as fierce as ever and charitable gifts are not on the menu. As the competition heats up, I must remind you all to please play fair, and for the love of god, stay classy.

Cordially,

- Morpheus Randy

WK10 - Chinning Up

Once again, we have a change in leadership inside Tri-Hard!

"I see that," said Safari, tapping his bloody claws on a freshly polished mahogany table. ("Noooooo! Watch the polish!" said Burgundy.)

A month ago, Safari's fantastic run at number one was snapped by Dick Burns. Though Dick's surge to the top was formidable, it was short lived; Safari reclaimed the throne just one week later and sat atop the rankings for another three weeks. However, with the passing of WK10, Safari has been dethroned again, this time by two-time Randy League Champion AznSitch.

You gotta werk, bitch.

"It's all about 'dem hard werk," said Sitch, as he addressed the (Perry Fire absent) media after Sunday's games. "I know who I'm up against, and like I said during my NQ, I NEVER underestimate the competition. If you're not leading the pack, sit the fuck down and start crunchin' till you get a six-pack. Then jump onto the chin-up bar, wide-grip style, and pull yourself together. Burn It To Earn It, Brah!"

Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. McGuire will provide the colour commentary. They've been revamped too. (MS Office 2013 for the win - excuse the nerdiness.)

Adds McGuire: What a strong performance from Sitch this week! With 183.40 points earned, Sitch accumulated almost 50 points more than next best select-GM Dick Burns (who had 133.80 points). Sitch can thank his goalies for picking up two shutouts and a handful of wins, as well as strong defensive performances from free-agent pick-up Drew Doughty (1 G, 3A) and recently returned from injury Kris Letang (3 G).

Any other top performers this week, Pierre?

Adds McGuire: Ovechkin was actually this week's top performer, but was benched by Safari on the night he tallied 2 G. However, Safari also had a star in van Riemsdyk, who collected 20+ fantasy points this week. Like LeBrun said during the Combine, JvR is an extremely underrated player.

Adds McGuire: And look at that; it's Sitch's first week at the top this year. I'm not going to start speculating whether his longevity will last (sources say lasting is a challenge for the man) but if you look at the last two years, Sitch stayed atop the rankings once he got there.

"That sample size is hardly large enough to extrapolate, " said Burgundy in disgust. "I'm an MPA and I know for a fact that a sample size of two is insufficient."

Adds McGuire: It was a very productive week for the League in general, which is somewhat shocking given that Crosby was MIA due to the mumps ("Fuck the mumps!" said Burgundy). PPGP for the entire League was up 0.02. Sitch still leads all select-GMs with a PPGP of 3.64 (up 0.13 from the previous week), thanks mostly to superb goaltending. Burgundy is second, sporting a 3.37 (down 0.04 from the previous week) while Safari is third with a 3.32 (down 0.03 from the previous week).

Adds McGuire: And finally we have the rainbow. The only chink in Sitch's muscular armour is assists; he's averaging a League-low 0.43 per game, but more than makes up for it with his goals and goaltending. I've spoken to Sitch about his current situation, and he's looking to diversify.

"I want it all green," said Sitch when referring to the rainbow. "I'm looking to make a few transactions to better my assists. I don't want no chinks!"

A few trades would be interesting for sure. Mr. Fucking Randy finds it surprising that a trade hasn't occurred yet. Rumours have it that Sitch was shopping around Lundqvist to see if there would be any interest, though the return would be a high draft pick.

"No comment on that," said Sitch.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy

WK9 - The Hunt Is On

"Aight, stop fucking around!" says Safari.

The number 9 is supposed to be a sacred number in the NHL; a lot of hockey greats have at least one 9 in their jersey number. Or, a backwards 9, otherwise known as a 6. However, WK9 has proven to be a hard one for Safari, even though he still leads Tri-Hard!

"I'm getting nervous now, Commissioner Randy," said Safari. "I knew that the production (I had at the beginning of the season) couldn't last all year. I just hope this is just a slight detour on my way to the title belt."

Ebbs and flows (extra Burgundy), Safari. Ebbs and flows. 

"Ebbs and flows blows!" said Safari.

Let's get into the charts, courtesy of the stats machine. McGuire, as always, is happy to provide some colour.

Adds McGuire: The goods news for Safari is that production was down across the board this week. Last week, each select-GM accumulated, on average, 145.16 fantasy points, whereas the average this week was only 116.66 fantasy points. I guess the League's performance follows the performance of Crosby (who was held to 1 A during WK9). That's reasonable, given that Crosby makes up such a significant portion of the League's point accumulations; he's just such a fine young man.

McGuire, you're popping a tent. Cool it.

"Oh jeah, check out that purple erection!" said Burgundy.

Adds McGuire: It's magic, Burgundy! Such a monstrous leap to the silver position. Burgundy was also this week's best PPGP performer; his PPGP decreased only by -0.01 (3.42 to 3.41) week-over-week, a League best! Safari, on the other hand, dropped -0.17 (3.52 to 3.35); the hardships continue for Safari.

Adds McGuire: It's the same old story, ain't it? Sitch is strategically setting his lines in an effort to find the most productive and efficient players, just as he has always done in previous years. He doesn't lead Tri-Hard!, but his PPGP is a League-best at 3.51.

Adds McGuire: And how about those rainbow numbers? It's looking like Tree Bone and Dick Burns could use some help in a few areas. Dick Burns's bet on Colorado (via Semyon Varlamov) is not panning out; the Avalanche have been this year's biggest disappointment and Varlamov can't seem to get a win for Team DB. We may see some trades on the horizon soon.

Thanks, Pierre. Always appreciated. Anyways, with the League closing in on the holiday break, it's expected that a few select-GMs will gather together and talk business, pleasure and more. Rumour has it Sitch is planning a special Holiday AGM at his home, though Sitch could not be reached for confirmation (he was at the gym). But if this turns out to be true, we can expect some fireworks. Trades always seem to progress more easily in person.

"It's because I'm more seductive in person than over text," said Dick Burns.

No one will argue with that. Wise, words, Dick.

"I didn't even say 'pants off'," said Dick Burns.

Safari: No Worries, Bitches!

You gotta love the attitude Safari is putting forth this season. After last week's stats report showed the competition gaining ground on him, what did he do?

"I fucking lived life to the max, bitches!" screamed Safari.

"I'm sorry I'm awesome."

That he sure did. It's a refreshing and welcoming change of attitude, I must say. The previous two seasons were led and eventually won by Azn Sitch, and he was ever the aggressive worrier (not to be confused with warrior) and ponderer-extraordinaire; it's what made him a Champion, but it also made him such a headache to talk to.

"... I hate you, Commissioner Randy. I hate you!" screeched Sitch.

A similar personality trait can be seen in Burgundy, who also has FOCD (Fantasy Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

"I'm FOCD in the head," said Burgundy.

Like I was saying, after last week's stats report publishing, it was reported that Safari was seen "living life to the max" on North American soil, trotting around with his beauty queen in NYC, not giving a fuck about the standings or the League in general. Coming out of his private jet, with a chilled Red Bull and mad stacks of cash, he purchased tickets to the Rangers game (against the Tampa Bay Lightning), only to cast them aside to attend some live performances at Times Square (featuring Kanye West and company).

"Woah, hold on Commissioner," said Safari. "I did go to Times Square - which was unreal, by the way - but I did catch the last bit of that game too. So I didn't completely cast those tickets aside!"

Well alright, Safari. Those tickets weren't a complete waste then. Even still, having the balls and authority to say Fuck those tickets! We goin' to see Kanye! is pretty baller. Shocking, really.

"I must admit I was a little shocked myself. I couldn't believe what happened. Like, before I went to bed I was just like, 'No way this happened,'" said Safari.

"Hmmm, sounds like prom night," chimed in Dick.

Wise words, Dick.

WK8 - Cause for Concern

After being crowned GM of the Quarter last week, nothing could have delighted African Lion Safari more (other than a friendly visit from Batman). But now the collar (if he wears one) around his furry mane must be a bit tighter after seeing the results from WK8.

Tough times ahead for Safari?

("I love Simba!" said Tree Bone.)

Yes, Safari still leads Tri-Hard!; he's actually been able to hold onto top spot for back-to-back weeks after Dick Burns interrupted Safari's run at the top during WK6. Dick Burns's productivity has actually lightened in the last two weeks and he's since dropped to fourth.

"Ebbs and flows, Commissioner Randy," said Dick Burns.

"That's my line!" cried Burgundy.

As I was saying, Safari's collar is tightening. Big Burgs (or Burgas, as Sitch calls him), brought home the most bacon this week (a whopping 173.00 fantasy points) and is now sitting in third place, within close striking distance of Safari. Sitch, on the other hand, turned in a respectable week, earning 160.60 fantasy points, and had the biggest change in PPGP. In fact, Sitch has now overtaken Safari in PPGP; he leads all select-GM's with a PPGP of 3.56 (Safari is second with 3.52).

"Balls, balls, balls!" said Safari.

Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Adds McGuire: He (Safari) is bending, but he ain't breaking. Looking at his overall performance, he's still ahead of League averages even though is goal production is a League worst. Is goal production important? Yes. Is it vital? No, especially when Safari dummies the assist category. But what you gotta love now is Ovechkin. Three goals this week and he's still leading the League in shots; he looks ready for a breakout.

"Dnt werry Safari, I got dis!" - Ovechkin

"I sure damn hope so, OV," said Safari. "You better be Bruce Wayne by the end of the season!"

Get ready for some big moves, folks. I have a sense (extra spidey-sense) that this season is going to be one of the tightest races we've ever seen. The rumour-mill has also been circling (extra centripetal force, Grade 12 Physics class style) and trade ideas are being thrown out left, right and central-abdominal. Who knows what the rankings will look like next week?

 "The tightness of this Tri-Hard! is amazing," said Burgundy. "I'm not even mad. That's impressive."

Indeed it is. Happy December, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy