Bitch-It's-Sitch!™

Every year, Sitch asks me to hand him the reigns to ONE blog post, purely for the purposes of showcasing his Bitch-It's-Sitch!™ program, and every year I tell him to go fuck himself. However, he's been supremely gentlemanly this year and I have confirmed with the Pulitzer Prize Voting Committee that his post will not be considered as my own work when it comes time for evaluation. Therefore, gentlemen and lady, I present to you Sitch and his Bitch-It's-Sitch!™ program. Take it away, Sitch.

***

Thanks Commissioner!

(cue K-pop music)

Yo! Yo! Yo! It's Abdominal Phenomenal! 

Reppin' to yas (hazzz!) from the sweat-drenched, 

Rubber matted floors of my signature GoodLyfe facility! 

You wanna make your phyz dream a reality? 

Come, follow me, into BEASTiality!

#BeastModeON

Follow me through my daily regimen,

Hard work and discipline,

Carbo-loadin' for dem endorphins,

Revving harder than a diesel engine,

Becoming the alpha masculine,

To joy bounce sluttastic feminines!

(end K-pop music)

Wait, hazzz??!! I got more rhymes, yo! Crank it up!

(cue I Like It - Enrique Iglesias)

Jeahhhhhh! Love the Enrique!

From Sitch's platinum collection.

So you want deez washboard abs?

Aren't they fabs?

Get to the gym, lift those calves!

Curl those slabs!

Pump your arms like yous hailin' a cab!

Down dem shakes like you need rehab!

Crank the tunes that make you flex,

Werk that bench press fo-yo pecks!

No reward for rejects,

Only when you hurl, you get my respect!

Just remember to practice safe reps!

Wipe yo machine, that's the final step!

You better werk, bitch!

Werk like Sitch!

Cuz....

Bitch-It's-Sitch! (oh jeah baby!)

Bitch-It's-Sitch! (uh-huh!)

Bitch-It's-Sitch! (oh jeah baby!)

Bitch-It's-Sitch! (oooooooo ya!)

Bitch-It's-Sitch! (hazzz!)

(end I Like It - Enrique Iglesias)

(heavy breathing) WTF just happened...

Okay, now that I have your attention, let's get down to the Sitch-u-Asian. You want that rockin' bod, but you don't know where to begin? Well, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I'm giving you an actual in depth view of my daily routine. Follow my daily routine habits (free of charge!) and you're well on your way to fitness glory! Fitness phenomenon! So go, get your rockin' bod, yo!

Here's my daily routine, in time increments. Rinse and repeat, bitch!

04:00 - WAKE UP, BITCHES! #SnoozeButtonGetsNoLove

04:01 - WERKOUT#1 (AM cardio): choice of Jacobs ladder, stationary bike, treadmill, row, or combination of multiple. Nobody in the gym but you dawg. No food in your stomach either. Work for your food; burn off that excess fat. By the time your competitors get into the gym, you're already a cardio-workout ahead!

05:00 - Finish cardio.

05:02 - Prep MEAL#1: Yogurt, granola and 3 scrambled eggs. Greek yogurt.

05:10 - Eat like a gentlemen.

05:11 - Chew slowly. Nutrients gotta be absorbed, my friends.

05:30 - Freshen up. Brush those purley whites, floss, mouthwash. #SafariWouldBeProud

05:35 - Clear those skin pores (in preparation for maximum sweat exposure).  

05:40 - CENSORED (Sitch is showerin', yo!)

05:50 - Dry off.

06:00 - Big prep time. Look in mirror, see what needs werk. Pecks? Delts? Quads? Use this time to flex and check; plan your werkout regimen and target what's weakest on your bod.

Some people would think "Douch!"
Sitch thinks "Champ!"

05:20 - Put previous days clothes in laundry.

05:30 - Select beats to play for gym.

06:00 - WERKOUT#2 (Sunrise Strength Training): cardio done, now it's time to get TRX'd! Pecks, delts, triceps/biceps, core. All upper body baby! Keep that core engaged (enraged?) with every thing you do for maximum abdominal strain. 

Don't cheat!

07:30 - Finish TRX, hit the showers to cleanse pores filled with sweaty sweat.

07:50 - Dry off, read some of the Economist. Memorize some academic stats to fuck with Burgundy, MPA at a later time. Remember folks: mental workout is just as important as physical workout.

08:00 - Prep MEAL#2: Double chocolate cherry smoothie. Need protein powder, coconut milk, pitted cherries and flaxseed meal.

08:10 - Drink smoothie. Continue with Economist. Envision trouncing Burgundy with wealth of knowledge from Economist.

08:20 - Take laundry out and put in dryer. Nobody wants wet clothes.

08:30 - Check Tri-Hard! Standings. If currently in first, take shirt off and stompa yo feet!

09:00 - TSN 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 for any hockey scoops.

10:00 - WERKOUT#3 (Leg Biscuits): Pick up a couple biscuits (see below) and stompa yo feet! All legs here. Quads, hams, calves and lower back. Wake up those legs; they haven't worked since AM cardio!

#YummyBiscuits

11:00 - Prep MEAL#3: Lean ground beef burger (95% lean). Includes lettuce, tomato, red onion, tiny serving of ketchup, canola mayo. Much on raw green beans as fries.

11:15 - Eat like a champ.

11:45 - Check up on Dick Burns to see if he's around... (dead silence)

11:46 - Wash off before heading out to run errands.

12:00 - Food check! Pantry may be low on protein; fridge may lack meats and other goodies. Head to GNC et all for consumables.

12:45 - WERKOUT#4 (Midday Sportage): One of my faves. Not every workout is meant to be in the gym. Time to go balls out in competitive sport; builds strength, endurance, muscle memory, coordination and GAME. Co-ed sports preferred to boost testosterone levels/chances at getting laid.

Wanna play with my ballz?!

14:00 - Prep MEAL#4: Post-Sportage nutrition boost, aka. recovery smoothie. 50 grams carbs and 25 grams protein.

14:15 - Down smoothie, catch up with Safari via FaceTime.

14:30 - Get update from CFO GoodLyfe. Run fingers through financials, make sure business is AWESOME and running like a boss.

15:00 - WERKOUT#5 (Abdominal Phenomenal): Can't be Sitch if you don't dedicate an entire workout to your core. This is the most gruelling workout of the day; a full hour and a half of crunching, extra crunch and ZERO cheat. Consists of core ball transfers, the '300', wide-grip L pull ups, wheel roll outs... think we're done? Ya gotta do all of the above, THRICE!

17:00 - Prep MEAL#5: Shrimp with spinach salad and brown rice. A reward for the crazy abs workout.

17:30 - Eat. Just... eat and try to stay awake.

18:00 - Shower time! Scrub that abdominal section hard; so much sweat has run through that place!

18:25 - Tan time. Begin wind down mode with a nice relaxing tan to crisp the skin.

19:00 - Reward brain with some Netflix (House of Cards, Orange is the New Black, etc.)

19:05 - Talk to Tree Bone about how ridiculous Piper Chapman can be.

19:30 - WERKOUT#6 (Power Yoga): the last workout of the day! All stretching and balance. The body has worked hard today, so it's time to wind down and tune in with your mind and sole. Inner piece, yo. Inner piece. Breathe and relax.

20:00 - Prep MEAL#6: Post-Yoga nutrition boost, aka. recovery smoothie. 50 grams carbs and 25 grams protein.

20:05 - Drink up the smoothie. Cheers.

20:20 - Final shower.

20:40 - Brush, floss and mouthwash. Then, moisturize skin (suggested: play soft-core porn music).

21:00 - Congrats, you're done for the day. But get ready cuz 04:00 AM Cardio is only seven hours away!

Hope you learned something, folks! For full DVD, workout schedules and more, call 1-800-WRK-BTCH! 

GM's Quarterly III

#KillingIt

Welcome to GM's Quarterly III, the second last edition of the year. So far, we've dished out eight awards; some good, some bad, all deserving. Select-GM's inside Tri-Hard! are ultimately looking for just one award - the Title Belt - but for now, the GM's Quarterly awards will have to do.

"Holy fuck," said Burgundy. "Is there anything Steve Carell can't do?"

As far as I know, Mr. Burgundy, Mr. Carell can do no wrong. Let's dish out some awards. Here are the stats before we dive into things:

GM OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: Dick Burns)

I'm onto you, Sitch.

As I stated in WK19, Burgundy has been absolutely killing it lately, cutting the deficit between him and Sitch to a mere 100.00 fantasy points (he was over 200.00 fantasy points behind just a few weeks ago). Looks like my Combine Results may prove true once again!

Adds McGuire: It's a product of hard work; it's a product of development; it's a product of patience, Commissioner Randy. Just look at the performances this quarter for a handful of Burgundy's players: Rick Nash, John Tavares and Max Pacioretty all brought home 60+ fantasy points. Devan Dubnyk, the quarters biggest performer, stole the show and banked 100+ fantasy points for Mr. Burgundy. I want to say I can't believe it, but.... (resists urge) YES! I CAN!

Adds LeBrun: Well said, Pierre, but I also think you gotta look at Dick Burns. Listen, he's currently fourth and it may be a bit late for him to make a push to the top, but did you see his PPGP this period? Talk about coming out of nowhere; he ranked first in PPGP over the quarter with 3.76 (compared to second-ranked Sitch with 3.64 and third-ranked Burgundy with 3.50). I know total points wins you the Title Belt, not PPGP, but your mind does have to wonder what might have been had Dick played more games.

BUTT-FUCKED OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI

(Honourable mention: the Toronto Maple Leafs)

Cracks me up every time...

That's two quarters in a row that Safari has received this raspberry award. A tough fruit to swallow.

"I'm at a loss for words," said Safari. "When I look at my team on paper, I don't think there are any significant weaknesses. I look at the stats, and I think they're decent. Ovechkin, Benn... they've been great thus far. It's been a combination of below-average goaltending and better performance by the other select-GM's. If I had to do this all again I don't think I'd change the way I drafted. It's just one of those seasons..."

I feel the pain, Safari. After running such a tight ship and having a strong start to the season, the wheels began to wobble and come loose. A few pit stops in the middle offered a few fixes, but not enough for the long stretch. Wait, am I talking about Safari or the Leafs?

Safari still has a chance. The Leafs do not. #HereComesMcDavid

EoX OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: Dick Burns)

Hot teachers: making Parent-Teacher Interviews that much better!

For the quarter, the Example of Excellence (EoX) goes to Tree Bone, slightly edging out runner-up Dick Burns. The well-travelled, story-filled Tree Bone has returned to the homeland and got her engines running in a hurry; she's got a (pride) rock on her finger, a fine-young-man to date forever, and a job that'll make dollar bills rain from the sky. With a steady daytime teaching job and tutoring occasionally (not to mention a teachers pension to drool over), Tree Bone is this quarters EoX.

Dick Burns gets honourable mention for this award as he also landed a prestigious Artistic Director position, for which the heavy workload will commence in the summer.

Stay warm, gentlemen and lady.

Morpheus Randy

WK19 - Mr. Burgundy, You Have A Massive Erection

#BurgSurge

Can you feel the heat?

"Everybody can feel the head radiating from this one-eyed beast!" said Burgundy, waddling around with an erect P.

I was talking more about things heating up inside Tri-Hard! rather than inside your pants, Burgs, but thanks for the input. I must say though, I'm pretty sure the massive erection you currently showcase is more of an optical illusion than anything.

Mr. Burgundy was once again this week's top bread earner, bringing home 187.45 fantasy points. He's now been the top bread earner for three weeks consecutive and, more importantly, he has cut Sitch's lead to exactly 100.00 fantasy points.

"No!" cried Sitch. "No! No! No! No!"

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! The numbers don't lie, my little Asian friend. At the beginning of the month, Burgundy was more than 200.00 fantasy points behind but has been able to make up significant ground since then, cutting that gap in half. Supremely impressive, Burgas.

Adds McGuire: It was a great week for Burgundy, indeed! He got monster performances out of Max Pacioretty (27.95 fantasy points) and John Tavares (24.25 fantasy points). Burgundy's pick up of Devan Dubnyk, who's been backing Minnesota's recent surge, also banked 26.50 fantasy points for Team Burgundy. What an example of excellence!

"But I'm an example of excellence!" cried Sitch.

Y CANT I HAS EXAMP OF EXLENT?

I'm sorry to report it Sitch, but it really looks like you're experiencing significant ebb and flow these days. Let's take a look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch had the biggest drop in PPGP this week, dropping 0.06 to 3.64 (previously 3.70). Safari, on the other hand, was the most improved, increasing 0.03 to 3.26 (previously 3.23). The injuries experienced on Sitch's roster appear to have finally caught up with him; his previously Goliath-like goalie statistics are taking a big hit and, as a result, his point accumulations are slowing. In fact, Dick Burns sports a better goalie PPGP than Sitch now; who would have thought we'd see that?

Adds McGuire: And if I look on the player PPGP side, I can see that Burgundy is within striking distance of outplaying Sitch too! With a 3.33 player PPGP, Sitch is only slightly ahead of Burgundy (who has 3.31). Without Tyler Seguin, the goal scoring has dried up for Sitch; his goals/game and shooting percentage are down significantly. Could it be that the fitness phenom is tiring? Perhaps unable to execute one final push (up)?

"I don't know what 'tiring' even means," said Sitch. "I just werk, bitch!"

 Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy

WK18 - Alpha Dominant

Happy WK18 everyone. Aside from wishing you good fortunes inside Randy's Tri-Hard!, Mr. Fucking Randy also wishes you the best Valentine's you've ever had. Like I said in a previous post during last year's V, love is all you need, so cherish your fortunes and make (love) time for your loved ones.

Being who I am, I don't have loved ones; I have loved multiples. Over the festive weekend, I was dragged into a theatrical affair by a few honies, exchanging my dollar bills for a ticket to Fifty Shades of Grey. I am heavily involved with publishing (obviously), but my knowledge of this Fifty Shades Phenomenon was about as low as Tree Bone's love for seafood.

"... so, zero?" said Tree Bone.

Absolutely right. I normally don't like entering anything (or anyone) without doing some homework first, but I obliged in this particular situation as I haven't been surprised in quite some time. I thought it would be a welcoming experience. There's also something nice about seeing a movie for which you know absolutely nothing about; it keeps expectations low.

"You're an alpha male, and you love being dominant!" said one of my honies. "You'll love this movie! You're an Alpha Dominant!"

"You're Randy, Alpha Dominant. R.A.D.!" said another.

Alpha Dominant, eh? That got me thinking about Tri-Hard!, specifically the recent competitive uprisings. All select-GM's want the glory that is the title belt, but who will dominate the next few months and come away Champion? Let's have a look at this week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Same story, right? Sitch leads overall and in PPGP. But before we conclude that the other select-GM's have become submissive, my spidy-senses are telling me there's going to be an Alpha Dominant fight to the bitter end, spearheaded by the alpha males inside Tri-Hard!, as well as certain fortunes (or misfortunes, depending on who you are) developing inside the NHL.

"Fuck that; I ain't no submissive!" screeched Burgundy.

From a statistically speaking standpoint (extra nerd), the top performer over the last month has been Burgundy, NOT Sitch.

"... Just say it, and I'll start crunching," said Sitch, scathing.

Burgundy has accumulated 534.40 fantasy points in the last month (tops in Tri-Hard!), albeit he was only ahead by a handful of fantasy points over Sitch, who was next best. Dick Burns, who remains fourth in the League, didn't grab as many points over the month, but his PPGP efficiency has been improving, and now he has matched Burgundy's output; they both average 3.42 PPGP.

Sitch still has an overall PPGP of 3.70 and has maintained at least a 3.62 PPGP for nine consecutive weeks. But, Sir Fucking Randy smells smoke; with Tyler Seguin, Henrik Lundqvist and Frederik Andersen all out indefinitely, something tells me he might have trouble keeping that torrid pace. And, with Dick Burns and Burgundy showing increasing PPGP numbers, this fantasy pool may be getting a whole lot closer.

"That would be nice, but you know me, I'm all for the fun and the trades," said Dick Burns. "It's my hope that I'll get a few more trades nailed down before trade deadline."

"Let's talk, Dick," said Burgundy. "I want to crush this Asian-Crunch."

"Sounds sublime," replied Dick. "By the way, I wanted to ask you, Commissioner Randy: what did you think of the movie?"

I thought it was poor/fair, at best. I found myself becoming more interested/fascinated with the cultural phenomenon of Fifty Shades as opposed to the story itself. But, that's just me.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- the Fucking Randy

Step It Up

Things are getting serious now, aren't they?

"Jeah! They are!" screamed Burgs.

A few days ago I thought that the lead Sitch built up may have been enough to coast for the rest of the season. I know it's a bit premature of me to think that (FYI: Sir Fucking Randy is NEVER premature), but my mind does wander at will. Anyway, I was strolling down Elgin, after a meal of fine poutine, thinking, "Damn, a 200-point lead sure is big, isn't it?"

"FUCK NO!" said Burgundy. "We've only just begun, Commissioner Randy. It's time to step it up!"

Indeed, Mr. Ronald. Last night's games were a thunderous (no abs) example (of excellence) of that. Sitch, feeling the recent Burg Surge decided to play almost all of his players and brought home 62.10 fantasy points, one of the best single-night productions we've seen ever in the Randy Leagues.

"It's all in the carbs," said Sitch. "No simple, all complex."

This is what "Hazzz!" looks like.

Not to be left in the dust, Burgundy turned in a good night himself, bringing in 54.40 fantasy points, and the distance between him (second overall) and Sitch (leader) is now 154.40 fantasy points. There's still a little ways to go, but the gap is dwindling.

"Dwindling like Sitch's intelligence!" said Burgundy, smirking.

"I am counting myself lucky," said Sitch. "Earlier in the year, I was trying to wheel and deal for Corey Perry, but that never materialized. Up until recently, I was also shopping around Lundqvist and a few other goalies. I'm sure as hell fortunate that I found no dancing partners; my team would have looked a lot different had I found someone to pull the trigger."

You are one lucky man, Sitch. Will it be enough to win a third consecutive title? I guess we'll have to see.

"You gotta be good to be lucky, and lucky to be good," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

CSA (ii) - Trade Deadline

"Hello? Buffalo? Jeah, get dem track suits ready!"

Just a friendly CSA reminder that the last day to trade players in Tri-Hard! is March 5, 2015. Happy trading, gentlemen and lady!

WK17 - Fuck All the Bitchez

Prison Mike says some nasty things!

Yikes! What vulgarity! Where did this all come from?

Well, I'll tell you. On top of my regular reporting duties, Commissioner Randy also needs to provide governance, oversight and general due diligence inside the Randy Leagues; this includes regular spot checks, review and random testing to ensure things are running as they should (or at least to the best of their abilities). I was doing my spot check last week and noticed that Dick Burns had updated his team slogan to "Fuck All the Bitchez"; profanity at its finest, eh?

"Sorry about that," said Dick Burns. "That wasn't me. I must have left my computer on one night when a lady friend was over. She must have hopped on and saw my fantasy control panel, wrote that slogan in, and updated my profile."

Oh Dick; you and your crazy ladies. Where would we be without your stories?

In other news, WK17 has officially wrapped up. Let's take a look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Great Odin's raven! Look at my points added this week! Jeah!" cheered Burugndy.

Burgundy was this week's top bread winner, taking in 179.25 fantasy points. He can thank Marc-André Fleury, who posted two shutouts this week, while Rick Nash (4 G, 1 A) and Max Pacioretty (1 A, 4 A) also turned in strong weeks. It's the first time in five weeks that Burgundy has been crowned top bread winner.

Sitch still leads the League overall, and there haven't been any changes in the standings. He's been atop the rankings now for eight consecutive weeks.

Sitch still leads PPGP at 3.68 (down from 3.71 a week ago), but the big winner this week is Burgundy (again!) who increased his PPGP to 3.37 (previously 3.34). Dick Burns was also able to increase his PPGP slightly to 3.44 (previously 3.43), good for second overall in the League.

While the rainbow might look the same week-over-week, small strides are being made left, right and centre. Burgundy is now outscoring Sitch, averaging 0.31 goals/game played. In addition, Dick's goalies are catching up to Sitch; Dick now averages 5.51 PPGP for goalies while Sitch averages 5.56. It's getting close, don't you think?

"Oh gawd! Can't have any of this shit!" said Sitch, scooping a cup full of rice into his rice cooker. "Time to carbo-load!"

Carbo-load!

Adds McGuire: Dick Burns has a shot at catching up, no question. But the big asterisk is whether he has enough time to do it. He's played a League-low 75 goalie games (about 20 games below the League average) and the season is almost three quarters completed. Sure, his rainbow is working magic right now, but can he catch up on the games played and book the points? Holtby, Price and Varlamov have all been good the past few weeks, but I think he may need to pick up another tender if he wants to bank the games. And, should one of his goalies get hurt, it could spell trouble!

So, is it too late for Dick Burns?

"You guys always think I'm going to be late," said Dick Burns. "When are you ever going to learn? Dick Burns is late, until he shows up ON TIME. God, I hate so much about the things you choose to believe..."

Wise words, Dick.

One of the BEST lines in the Office, EVER.

Next Question with Dickery Burns

The sixth and final instalment of NQ involves last year's participant award winner, Mr. Dick "Tap MY Ass!" Burns. A bit sad that this will be the last NQ of the year, but all good things must CUM to an end.

"Ew!" screamed Tree Bone.

"Cuz U no Im all about MY ASS, 'bout MY ASS..."

Dick Burns always has a full schedule, so I wasn't sure if I would actually be able to sit down with him and have a formal NQ. Fortunately, he was able to find some time last weekend to have a conference call. Here's how it went down:

Hi Dick, can you here me alright?

I can hear you just fine, Commissioner Randy. How is my voice?

Soothing and Morgan Freeman-esque, as always. How are things in Toronto with the other select-GMs?

Very, very well. I was unable to attend Friday's festivities due to a surprise visit from a lady friend, but I met up with them the next morning for brunch etc. It's been a great time.

A surprise visit from a lady friend. Why am I not surprised?

They (the ladies) just want to tap my ass. What can I say?

"Tap my ass" you say, eh? Have you ever looked at a lady and wanted to "tap that ass"?

"Tap... THAT... ass?" That sounds foreign to me.

Interesting. So, how do you like Tri-Hard! so far?

It's always a blast, Commissioner Randy. You know me; I live for trades at the end of the day, so I'm hoping there will be more transactions and negotiations to come as we get closer to the trade deadline. I'm also a big fan of the blog, so I tip my hat to you on running such fine journalism. I've always got a smile on my face when I read the blog, even if I'm stressing out over shitty paint jobs on my set designs. Your professional reporting is greatly appreciated.

Why, thank you Dick Burns. That's so nice of you. Now, what's this I hear about set designs? Are you shooting adult film?

Oh heavens no, Commissioner Randy. I'm involved with a production back in London and I'm essentially taking over the directing, producing, stage managing... hell I might even have to act the whole thing out myself. My passion is theatre, and I love working with community arts.

So what's this about set designs?

Well, I've been away this weekend to meet up with all the select-GM's in Toronto, so my involvement with the production has been limited for the last 48 hours. I just got a picture of what one of the set designs looked like and almost had a heart attack. Nothing is done right when I'm absent!

You're always so involved with the community arts. I admire that.

Thank you, Commissioner. Though I must admit, part of the reason for being so involved is to enhance my experiences, which could lead to job opportunities I seek.

I heard that you have been appointed Artistic Director for an organization.

Yes, it's been a goal I've had for quite some time now and it's finally coming true. I'm very excited for the opportunity and I hope it'll be a smash!

Shakespeare's got nothing on Dick Burns.

'Tis quite the executive position. How did you land it?

Well, I know that it was between me and another individual. I am not exactly sure on the specifics, but I really proved to the Board of Directors that I was prepared to be fully committed. I may be younger and lighter on experience, but the energy I brought forth was what got me the job I believe. I always maintain a high standard, and my correspondence is second-to-none.

You just showed them your crotch length, didn't you?

With all due respect, Mr. Fucking Randy, I disagree with that metric. 

Noted. Speaking of metrics, how did you feel having Sitch running his fingers over you taking suit measurements?

I was completely fine with it. Despite being an enormous meat-head and micro-penis, he's very detailed in his work. He was a gentleman and professional.

Rumour has it you both slept in the same bed over the weekend.

Rumours are rumours.

Can you confirm whether that is true or false?

Next question. 

Alright. Thanks for the conference call, Dick Burns.

Good evening, Commissioner Randy.

Combine Results - GM's Edition

Work it!

Say what?! A combine, select-GM's edition?

That's right, folks. Turns out the recent meeting with all select-GM's in Toronto was not just for leisure. It was a full out combine marathon, initiated by the one and only Sitch. Inside sources are telling me that the combine began shortly after an announcement was made by Sitch to all select-GM's regarding his upcoming wedding. The Asian sensation announced that Dick, Safari and Burgundy would be his groomsmen; as such, suit measurements were required.

"I didn't know when we'd all be in the same room again," said Sitch, "so I figured now would be the best time to get the measurements over with... and then I thought, 'Woah, wait a minute! We should just have a combine, brah! Fitness fo-lyfe! Hazzz!'"

Tree Bone, who accepted Sitch's invitation to be his wedding officiant, was allowed to opt-out of the combine as no suit measurements were required.

"Can you say lucky?!" said Tree Bone, rhetorically.

While the complete list of tests performed could not be verified, I am told that it ranged from physical measurements to sexual and emotional stamina. Some of the data is being disputed as certain select-GM's felt that it was tested incorrectly, or that the metrics being used were retarded. Being an avid supporter for free speech, I've allowed select-GM's to add their own commentary where applicable. The testing and results were compiled by top secret science and research doctorates; therefore, I, Morpheus Randy, am basing my opinion off of the works of doctorates. If any of you select-GM's have a problem with that, take it up with the doctors. Understood?

So, let's (muff) dive into these results.

MCGUIRE'S MONSTER - Dick Burns

"It's all about that stick magic." - Pierre McGuire

Adds McGuire: What a physical presence Dick Burns is! Measuring in at a height of 192cm, his towering height is tops in Tri-Hard!, ahead of second place finisher Burgundy (185cm). Sitch and Safari fall short ("Pun!" screamed Dick), as both were just slightly over 170cm.

"Well, go fuck yourselves," said Sitch. "The next time you assholes find yourselves uncomfortably crammed in a public transit seat, think of me and my short frame. Think about that!"

UPPER BODY LOBBY - Ron Burgundy

"Jeah!" said Burgundy.

He's got a torso so big that he could fit a hotel lobby on it. Ronald Burgundy, who is 7cm shorter than Dick Burns, dummied the competition with an upper body torso length of 85cm. With this particular trait, he's able to bear hug better than anyone I've ever known, as well as touch his toes with such ease.

"It's all in the wingspan," said a pompous Burgundy. "My legs are short by comparison to my torso, so touching my toes is a breeze!"

"But what about my upper body?!" cried Sitch.

Sorry Sitch; nobody cares about your 68cm torso (a League low).

PRETTIEST ANKLES - Safari

Oo la la...

Who would have thought that the most feared predator in the jungle would also have the prettiest ankles? I surely didn't. But hey, the data doesn't lie (according to these doctorates, at least). Safari measured in having the prettiest ankles. What do you have to say for yourself, Safari?

"It's all about dem b-ball shoes," said Safari. "The high ankle support keeps my ankles slim and fitting."

I don't really understand the explanation. I get that b-ball shoes are there for ankle support, but slimming? Care to reiterate, Safari?

"It's complicated," replied Safari.

Uh huh... uh huh... (I guess Safari's) life's like this.

CROTCH BOSS - Inconclusive!

#IHateUJonHamm!

Adds McGuire: Inconclusive?! How can that be? Isn't the name "Dick Burns" enough evidence to conclude on this test? That's larceny!

I agree, McGuire, but the data was inconclusive. It was discovered that select-GM's are surprisingly conservative in disclosing their packages; somewhat shocking given how vulgar and stimulating this League is. No one volunteered to give full frontal. The closest measurement the combine could obtain was crotch length, which doesn't provide much information.

"Let's hear it," said Ron Burgundy.

"No, let's not!" said Sitch.

In terms of crotch length, Burgundy leads the pack(age) with a total length of 33cm. Not too shabby, right? But, if we go further into the numbers, we discovered that Safari also had a crotch length of 33cm despite being 12cm shorter in height vs. Burgundy. Furthermore, the crotch length differential between Dick Burns (the tallest of the bunch with a height of 192cm) and Sitch (the shortest of the bunch with a height of 170cm) were almost identical, 28cm and 27cm, respectively!

"What does this all mean?!" said Safari.

"Inconclusive, I'm fine with that," said Dick Burns. "This statistic is too simplistic to make any real conclusions, similar to BMI. Some are growers, some are show-ers!"

"... I'm a show-er!" cried Sitch.

"Most importantly, crotch length does not take sexual performance into consideration," continued Dick Burns. "Which, in my opinion, is the most important; ladies, do you want size or satisfaction?

"If you want both, meet me at the Rex."

Wise words, Dick.

WK16 - The Flavour of the Week Is...

Please your man.

GRAPEFRUIT. Hands fucking down. No further questions.

WK16 was a week to remember; full of fruitful fun, sweet like sugar-coated citrus.

"That pink is really, really turning me on," said Burgundy, licking his lips and stroking his crotch.

Let's keep this PG for now, Burgundy. This is, after all, just a weekly stats report. There will be plenty of opportunity to get sticky and stanky in the coming posts. With all select-GM's meeting in Toronto this past weekend, stories are bound to unravel here on Randy's blog. I'm just confirming some final sources before I hit the print on some of these posts. So, be patient and contain yourself.

"... FINE!" said Burgundy.

Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch was this week's top bread earner, collecting 173.15 fantasy points. This is the sixth time in sixteen weeks that he's been the top bread earner. Kudos, Sitch.

"It's the way I want it," said Sitch. "I want it that way."

Photo credit: Tree Bone

"What's going on? Did I miss something?" said Dick Burns.

You missed out a bit, my dear Dick Burns. But don't worry; future posts will clarify these references. For now, we'll stay with the statistics. Sitch can thank Kris Letang, a question mark earlier in the week when he was out with a UBI, who had 7 A last week (he had 5 A in one game). Patrick Sharp also had a strong week, bringing home 1 G and 5 A over that span.

Meanwhile, African Lion Safari continues to win with Ovechkin, who brought home 4 G and 1 A last week.

There were no changes in the standings during WK16.

"It feels weird not being in second," commented Safari.

Sitch leads in PPGP with 3.71 (up from 3.69), but Dick Burns was this week's biggest mover and now sports a 3.43 (up from 3.38). Dick Burns can thank his goalies for a stellar week; Carey Price, Braden Holtby and Semyon Varlamov combined for four shutouts and five wins. Price alone brought in 43.00 points for Dick Burns this week. That kind of performance had all the other select-GM's drooling. Can you say jealous?

When asked for a response, Dick Burns simply replied, "Tap... MY ass."

Building off the last point, we can see that Dick Burns's rainbow now sports some new greens in the goalie statistics. With the stellar performances from his tenders, he now has brought his goalie PPGP within striking distance of Sitch. Quite impressive, to say the least.

"It's almost as if he has a concealed weapon," weighed in Tree Bone. "Which wouldn't surprise me."

"You would be correct," said Dick Burns. "Don't let the crotch length fool you..."

Wise words, Dick.