Next Question with Dickery Burns

The sixth and final instalment of NQ involves last year's participant award winner, Mr. Dick "Tap MY Ass!" Burns. A bit sad that this will be the last NQ of the year, but all good things must CUM to an end.

"Ew!" screamed Tree Bone.

"Cuz U no Im all about MY ASS, 'bout MY ASS..."

Dick Burns always has a full schedule, so I wasn't sure if I would actually be able to sit down with him and have a formal NQ. Fortunately, he was able to find some time last weekend to have a conference call. Here's how it went down:

Hi Dick, can you here me alright?

I can hear you just fine, Commissioner Randy. How is my voice?

Soothing and Morgan Freeman-esque, as always. How are things in Toronto with the other select-GMs?

Very, very well. I was unable to attend Friday's festivities due to a surprise visit from a lady friend, but I met up with them the next morning for brunch etc. It's been a great time.

A surprise visit from a lady friend. Why am I not surprised?

They (the ladies) just want to tap my ass. What can I say?

"Tap my ass" you say, eh? Have you ever looked at a lady and wanted to "tap that ass"?

"Tap... THAT... ass?" That sounds foreign to me.

Interesting. So, how do you like Tri-Hard! so far?

It's always a blast, Commissioner Randy. You know me; I live for trades at the end of the day, so I'm hoping there will be more transactions and negotiations to come as we get closer to the trade deadline. I'm also a big fan of the blog, so I tip my hat to you on running such fine journalism. I've always got a smile on my face when I read the blog, even if I'm stressing out over shitty paint jobs on my set designs. Your professional reporting is greatly appreciated.

Why, thank you Dick Burns. That's so nice of you. Now, what's this I hear about set designs? Are you shooting adult film?

Oh heavens no, Commissioner Randy. I'm involved with a production back in London and I'm essentially taking over the directing, producing, stage managing... hell I might even have to act the whole thing out myself. My passion is theatre, and I love working with community arts.

So what's this about set designs?

Well, I've been away this weekend to meet up with all the select-GM's in Toronto, so my involvement with the production has been limited for the last 48 hours. I just got a picture of what one of the set designs looked like and almost had a heart attack. Nothing is done right when I'm absent!

You're always so involved with the community arts. I admire that.

Thank you, Commissioner. Though I must admit, part of the reason for being so involved is to enhance my experiences, which could lead to job opportunities I seek.

I heard that you have been appointed Artistic Director for an organization.

Yes, it's been a goal I've had for quite some time now and it's finally coming true. I'm very excited for the opportunity and I hope it'll be a smash!

Shakespeare's got nothing on Dick Burns.

'Tis quite the executive position. How did you land it?

Well, I know that it was between me and another individual. I am not exactly sure on the specifics, but I really proved to the Board of Directors that I was prepared to be fully committed. I may be younger and lighter on experience, but the energy I brought forth was what got me the job I believe. I always maintain a high standard, and my correspondence is second-to-none.

You just showed them your crotch length, didn't you?

With all due respect, Mr. Fucking Randy, I disagree with that metric. 

Noted. Speaking of metrics, how did you feel having Sitch running his fingers over you taking suit measurements?

I was completely fine with it. Despite being an enormous meat-head and micro-penis, he's very detailed in his work. He was a gentleman and professional.

Rumour has it you both slept in the same bed over the weekend.

Rumours are rumours.

Can you confirm whether that is true or false?

Next question. 

Alright. Thanks for the conference call, Dick Burns.

Good evening, Commissioner Randy.