Combine Results - GM's Edition

Work it!

Say what?! A combine, select-GM's edition?

That's right, folks. Turns out the recent meeting with all select-GM's in Toronto was not just for leisure. It was a full out combine marathon, initiated by the one and only Sitch. Inside sources are telling me that the combine began shortly after an announcement was made by Sitch to all select-GM's regarding his upcoming wedding. The Asian sensation announced that Dick, Safari and Burgundy would be his groomsmen; as such, suit measurements were required.

"I didn't know when we'd all be in the same room again," said Sitch, "so I figured now would be the best time to get the measurements over with... and then I thought, 'Woah, wait a minute! We should just have a combine, brah! Fitness fo-lyfe! Hazzz!'"

Tree Bone, who accepted Sitch's invitation to be his wedding officiant, was allowed to opt-out of the combine as no suit measurements were required.

"Can you say lucky?!" said Tree Bone, rhetorically.

While the complete list of tests performed could not be verified, I am told that it ranged from physical measurements to sexual and emotional stamina. Some of the data is being disputed as certain select-GM's felt that it was tested incorrectly, or that the metrics being used were retarded. Being an avid supporter for free speech, I've allowed select-GM's to add their own commentary where applicable. The testing and results were compiled by top secret science and research doctorates; therefore, I, Morpheus Randy, am basing my opinion off of the works of doctorates. If any of you select-GM's have a problem with that, take it up with the doctors. Understood?

So, let's (muff) dive into these results.

MCGUIRE'S MONSTER - Dick Burns

"It's all about that stick magic." - Pierre McGuire

Adds McGuire: What a physical presence Dick Burns is! Measuring in at a height of 192cm, his towering height is tops in Tri-Hard!, ahead of second place finisher Burgundy (185cm). Sitch and Safari fall short ("Pun!" screamed Dick), as both were just slightly over 170cm.

"Well, go fuck yourselves," said Sitch. "The next time you assholes find yourselves uncomfortably crammed in a public transit seat, think of me and my short frame. Think about that!"

UPPER BODY LOBBY - Ron Burgundy

"Jeah!" said Burgundy.

He's got a torso so big that he could fit a hotel lobby on it. Ronald Burgundy, who is 7cm shorter than Dick Burns, dummied the competition with an upper body torso length of 85cm. With this particular trait, he's able to bear hug better than anyone I've ever known, as well as touch his toes with such ease.

"It's all in the wingspan," said a pompous Burgundy. "My legs are short by comparison to my torso, so touching my toes is a breeze!"

"But what about my upper body?!" cried Sitch.

Sorry Sitch; nobody cares about your 68cm torso (a League low).

PRETTIEST ANKLES - Safari

Oo la la...

Who would have thought that the most feared predator in the jungle would also have the prettiest ankles? I surely didn't. But hey, the data doesn't lie (according to these doctorates, at least). Safari measured in having the prettiest ankles. What do you have to say for yourself, Safari?

"It's all about dem b-ball shoes," said Safari. "The high ankle support keeps my ankles slim and fitting."

I don't really understand the explanation. I get that b-ball shoes are there for ankle support, but slimming? Care to reiterate, Safari?

"It's complicated," replied Safari.

Uh huh... uh huh... (I guess Safari's) life's like this.

CROTCH BOSS - Inconclusive!

#IHateUJonHamm!

Adds McGuire: Inconclusive?! How can that be? Isn't the name "Dick Burns" enough evidence to conclude on this test? That's larceny!

I agree, McGuire, but the data was inconclusive. It was discovered that select-GM's are surprisingly conservative in disclosing their packages; somewhat shocking given how vulgar and stimulating this League is. No one volunteered to give full frontal. The closest measurement the combine could obtain was crotch length, which doesn't provide much information.

"Let's hear it," said Ron Burgundy.

"No, let's not!" said Sitch.

In terms of crotch length, Burgundy leads the pack(age) with a total length of 33cm. Not too shabby, right? But, if we go further into the numbers, we discovered that Safari also had a crotch length of 33cm despite being 12cm shorter in height vs. Burgundy. Furthermore, the crotch length differential between Dick Burns (the tallest of the bunch with a height of 192cm) and Sitch (the shortest of the bunch with a height of 170cm) were almost identical, 28cm and 27cm, respectively!

"What does this all mean?!" said Safari.

"Inconclusive, I'm fine with that," said Dick Burns. "This statistic is too simplistic to make any real conclusions, similar to BMI. Some are growers, some are show-ers!"

"... I'm a show-er!" cried Sitch.

"Most importantly, crotch length does not take sexual performance into consideration," continued Dick Burns. "Which, in my opinion, is the most important; ladies, do you want size or satisfaction?

"If you want both, meet me at the Rex."

Wise words, Dick.