My Two Cents

Even though Burgundy has officially been crowned Champion in Randy's Tri-Hard!, he was still a bit peeved that Sitch, winner of Randy's Redemption and Randy's V, had his own blog post on this site. I told Burgundy that I obliged in this one instance because Sitch had repeatedly asked permission to post for years, and that I decided to give it to him as I felt he earned it since he was a back-to-back Randy League Champion.

Burgundy continued to press me on it, saying that he'd deliver something spectacular since he IS THE PRESS. Since I have very little to report on these days and will be wrapping up the blog soon, I'll let him have it.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here's My Two Cents - A Ron Burgundy Opinion Piece:

***

Thank you, Commissioner Randy.

When I found out about Sitch's blog piece, I was extremely disappointed. Using a media outlet purely for the purposes of profiting from a private business venture is shameful, and I hope Sitch realizes that it only cheapens his product. ("Fuck you!" said Sitch.)

Now, being his superior (both in life and in the Randy Leagues) I will show him, as well as demonstrate to you, dear readers, how to use a prestigious media outlet in its proper fashion. No, I will not be telling you about my mahogany line of bookcases, my scotch collection or my endorsement of PromptApp...? Instead, I will cover a topic which I feel very strongly about; one which is hockey-related and very misunderstood in our game today. And here it is:

Gary Bettman is the MAN.

"I just love dem titties!"

Mr. Bettman is often the scapegoat for hockey fans who have a problem with the NHL. Some say he's anti-Canadian, a expansion/relocation skank and, very simply, unlikeable. Sure, he's been involved with many franchise restructures which have resulted in Canadian teams moving south of the border, but does he deserve all this bad press? He may look like a count, but let's actually take account of what he's done and what he's actually been responsible for since taking over the NHL.

"I endorse that pun," said Dick Burns.

"1, 2, 3 lockouts!"

When Mr. Bettman was appointed Commissioner in February of 1993, the San Jose Sharks, the Ottawa Senators and the Tampa Bay Lightning had just entered the League, and the Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks and Florida Panthers entered the next year. All five, either now or at one point in time, were budget teams, and several were on the cusp of bankruptcy. These expansion plans were already in place prior to Mr. Bettman's tenure; he therefore cannot be blamed for appointment of these franchises, though he is often criticized for it.

Now, some say that he's anti-Canadian. While some of his moves during his tenure appear to support this claim, he did play a major role in championing the Canadian Assistance Plan, a revenue sharing agreement that saw American teams give money to help support the smaller market Canadian teams (Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa and Vancouver) in the 1990s through 2000s. Is he really anti-Canadian? My moustache says no, and so should yours.

"You like Canada?" asked Cherry.
"Sometimes!" replied Bettman.

The relocations of the Winnipeg Jets (1996-97 season) and the Quebec Nordiques (1995-96 season) also gives the typical Canadian hockey fan the perception that Big Bad Bettman is anti-Canadian. But, if you actually looked into the state of the economy in the nineties, you'd discover that the Canadian dollar was on a supreme decline relative to the US dollar, making it difficult for Canadian franchises to keep up with paying player salaries at parity with US franchises.

Is Mr. Bettman really at fault for the fall of the Canadian dollar?

If you were to fundamentally look at the financials of the Nordiques and the Jets during that time, their books were horrific. The depreciation of the Canadian dollar only worsened the situation. I don't care how many hockey fans filled those Canadian hockey arenas during this time; if the books aren't balanced, then the business is not feasible. Even today, the Ottawa Senators hardly break even; under Eugene Melnyk's watch, the Senators have lost approximately $10 million a year. Therefore, the perception that Mr. Bettman is anti-Canadian seems far fetched, considering the independent financial stresses these teams had (or have, in the case of the Ottawa Senators) were the primary reasons for their departures. It's not like Mr. Bettman woke up one day and said, "You know what? Fuck the Nordiques, and all you Quebec-necked fans. I'm moving them out." These were tough times for Canadian markets, and business was dry. The fact that he keeps some of these financially stressed franchises (i.e. the Ottawa Senators) afloat only shows that he does have Canadian teams in his plans.

And let's consider one more point about this whole anti-Canadian perception: Mr. Bettman was appointed by the owners (not the fans, I should emphasize) with the mandate of selling the game in the U.S. market. So, should we really be blaming him for U.S. expansion, or should we be pointing our fingers at the owners? Mr. Bettman has purely been executing on behalf of what the owners wished to have accomplished.

You can look at the Phoenix --- sorry, I mean Arizona Coyotes and Atlanta Thrashers as colossal failures on Mr. Bettman's part, and I would agree with you. But, again, I must digress and ask you, "Do you think it was really his intention, or was it a League-wide initiative?" He was not alone in this decision.

Maybe Damian Rhodes will have a similar tombstone.

Then of course, we must look at the lockouts which Mr. Bettman took part. Blame him all you want, but Mr. Bettman was sailing on uncharted waters in the first lockout (1994-95) and it ultimately paved the way to a salary-capped system. Losing a hockey season is never fun, but temporary pain for long term gain is always worth the effort, and I give Mr. Bettman credit for this. Look at the parity and product on the ice today; I firmly believe there is no such thing as a "one seed vs. eight seed" anymore; we now have 16 teams that have legitimate chances at winning. And, a salary-capped system has made most teams more profitable, meaning teams are bringing in more revenue, selling more tickets, gaining more fans and growing hockey. The NHL made $3.6 billion during the 2013-2014 season; the NBA, vastly more popular than hockey, earned $5 billion. Hockey is catching up, and Bettman has been in the driver's seat.

With this growth and turnaround success, you'd think that Mr. Bettman would take a handsome share of the profits, right? I'm not saying that his salary of $8.8 million is low, but it is far less than his counterparts in other leagues, both by number and by percentage of total revenue. For what he's accomplished, I'd say he's not overpaid by professional sports standards.

And finally, there are other media outlets, like myself, who see passed the cold appearance of Mr. Bettman. Mr. Bettman was named Sports Executive of the Year by SportsBusiness Journal and SportsBusiness Daily in 2014. In addition, the NHL was also named Sports League of the Year. Hockey has indeed grown in the US, despite a few franchise failures, and revenues have risen.

In summary, I fucking love Gary Bettman, and you should too. Have a look at this fine article from SportsNet. They got it right, just like Nickelback's new single.

You stay classy, Mr. Bettman.

GM's Quarterly IV

As promised, I have assembled the last edition of GM's Quarterly for Tri-Hard! I debated what image to use for the title of this post, but then quickly eluded to Daniel Craig vis à vis Skyfall. This movie had been playing on the television when Dick Burns, Sitch and Burgundy met over the Easter break; it renewed the respect each had for a finely tailored suit and well shot film.

"The cinematography is just... perfection," said Dick Burns.

I must admit that I never got into the Bond films in my earlier years. I have never seen Sean Connery as James Bond, and I have never sat through an entire Bond film featuring Pierce Brosnan. It's always been Batman or nothing for Commissioner Randy. However, Skyfall was a pretty epic film, and I'm now itching to watch it again. (Randomly, I'm also itching to watch Jurassic Park. Such a classic.)

Given this Bond talk, I've decided to dish out the awards for this quarter with a Bond theme. So, let's pull the trigger on a few awards, shall we?

"Good pun!" said Dick Burns.

JAMES BOND OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: Safari)

Eyes on the prize.

Productivity was on the decline in the last quarter of the season, but Burgundy came out on top. Big Burgs gets the James Bond award because he demonstrated extreme marksmanship; he was gunning for first overall and achieved it. He took home 906.90 fantasy points and averaged 3.35 PPGP for the quarter, both of which were tops in Tri-Hard!

Safari get's honourable mention in this category as he ended up with the second highest point accumulation (881.90) and PPGP (3.29) this quarter. His respectable point accumulation brought him within striking distance of Burgundy and Sitch.

"Balls!" said Safari. "Give me the damn James Bond award!"

Here are the numbers for the quarter for those who were curious:

RAOUL SILVA OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourable mention: the O-Train)

... I'm fucked.

Sitch finished the year second overall, which is nothing to be ashamed of by any means. However, given that he had such a lead (about 300 fantasy points at one point) and looked to be cruising, his (sky)fall from the top is all the more catastrophic. His plan seemed flawless this year, much like the cyber-terrorizing antics of Raoul in Skyfall, but Sitch couldn't close the deal.

To put in perspective, Sitch averaged 2.98 PPGP over the last quarter, marginally better than Tree Bone (2.97). He finished the year with a 3.48 PPGP, which just goes to show you how much he dominated the first three quarters.

"Ebbs and flows, bitch. Ebbs and flows," said Burgundy, pompously.

This proves that planning is important, but not as important as execution. Take notes, O-Train (or should I say, NO-Train?).

M OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: N/A)

You all werk for me.

This is not really an official award, but Burgundy gets M of the quarter, purely because he is now Sitch's superior.

"FUCK!" screamed Sitch.

Q OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI

(Honourable mention: Sitch)

I'm pretty sure this is how Safari sets up his room when drafting.

Q is the character in Skyfall who is a wiz behind the computer and is able to code like mad. While I don't think Safari is the next Zuckerberg, I do think he plows through NHL data more than any other select-GM. That's why I'm giving him Q of the quarter. The results speak for themselves; he was the only select-GM to improve his PPGP this quarter, and did quite well in amassing fantasy points (second most, as I stated earlier).

I also think that he wears specs similar to Q.

Sitch gets honourable mention here, as I am well aware that he does his own line of data-analyzing. Though it did not pan out this year, his attention to data cannot be omitted.

"You bet, Commissioner," said Sitch. "I analyze all my calorie intake, creatine absorption, dopamine levels, sugar --- "

No, Sitch. Stop. I'm talking hockey only; no Bitch-It's-Sitch!™ stuff.

SÉVERINE OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: N/A)

Want me?

Another award that doesn't really have meaning or merit, but I'm giving this award to Dick Burns. Séverine was all sex appeal in Skyfall, and Dick represents all things sexual in Tri-Hard! Ladies, grab a towel and wipe your seat off, because Dick Burns is on the prowl once again.

PATRICE OF THE QUARTER - TREE 

(Honourable mention: Dick Burns)

Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!

Who the fuck was Patrice in Skyfall? Not many people remember, but he's the mercenary at the beginning of the movie who fought with Bond. He had a pretty epic role in the opening sequence, but soon gets forgotten as his role disappears and the rest of the cast takes over. In this light, Tree Bone gets the award, not because she fights with Burgundy, but because she has long been forgotten. She stormed out of the gates during WK1, and then fell apart.

"Have I been forgotten?' asked Tree Bone. "Or have I forgotten about Tri-Hard!?"

Hmmm... the latter seems plausible.

Well, that's it. The last GM's Quarterly of the year. Another chapter in the books; another gratifying, yet melancholy moment. Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy

A Look Back in History

In reviewing Tri-Hard!, I noticed that I never published my usual League preDICKtions. I only posted the Combine Results, which showcased my preDICKtions for the final League standings at season's end based on the Draft. I'll have to be more diligent next year in posting my annual League preDICKtions.

Aside, I was looking at the Combine Results last night and saw something peculiar. What did the Fucking Randy predict? Well, let's go back to October 6th, 2014 and see:

I had predicted a razor thin finish between Sitch and Burgs, followed by Safari, followed by Dick Burns and then Tree Bone. Hmmm... that sounds familiar doesn't it?

Adds McGuire: Phenomenal, Commissioner Randy. Spectacular insight. I agree 100% with what you just said. You brought up your preDICKtions way back in October before the season even started, and the actual final results don't lie. An oracle you are, Commissioner!

Thank you, McGuire. Now, for shits and giggles, I'm going to look back at the draft and highlight three absolute hidden gems.

JAMIE BENN (Safari, 7th overall) - What? This guy isn't a hidden gem. I know, but let me explain. Benn won the NHL scoring title this year, though Ovechkin finished with more fantasy points in Tri-Hard! Did any of you think that it would be Jamie Benn leading the NHL scoring race at season's end? I sure as hell didn't.

Safari, who was pissed that Sitch had taken Seguin in the first pick of the second round, retaliated by selecting Benn; the move ended up being a good one, as Seguin got injured during the season and allowed Benn to run away with the scoring title. Had Seguin been healthy, I think he could have challenged for the scoring title.

"It was a good selection (Benn)," said Safari. "Unfortunately, there were too many times this year where I benched him. I lost out on at least 50 fantasy points from benching the guy."

What a beaut!

JOE PAVELSKI (Safari, 27th overall) - Another solid pick by Safari, but he unfortunately cut him loose at the beginning of the season. Pavelski finished 6th in fantasy points by players (307.35), registering an impressive 37 G and 33 A playing for San Jose (remember when they were contenders?). Pavelski was subsequently picked up by Burgundy on October 26th, 2014; it was a huge cash-in for Burgundy and assisted in his rise to the top.

GO JOE!

PEKKA RINNE (Sitch, 55th overall) - For most of the season, Sitch was dummying the goalie statistics; the group consisting of Lundqvist, Rinne, Andersen and Crawford were all stellar and combined for an over 70% win percentage. Rinne, in particular, was a big part of that; he won 41 starts and collected 320.75 fantasy points, ahead of names such as Rask, Quick, Bishop and Crawford. Rinne and the Predators cooled off in the last quarter of the season, but Nashville still looks like a potential contender in the playoffs this year, so the late pick by Sitch was a true gem.

I don't understand what's going on here...

"What the heck?" said Dick Burns. "What about my selection of Carey Price? He finished first in goalie fantasy points!"

True, but he's not a hidden gem in my opinion. Carey Price is a household name; I was looking for unknown surprises. Sorry Dick, but you have no say in this. IT'S MY BLOG.

"Oh yeah, well... (grabs microphone) IT'S MY LIFE!"

Wise words, Dick.

(If any of you don't understand the IT'S MY LIFE reference, check your Facebook immediately.)

WK26 - A New Gun Show

Burgundy, after the final results were published Sunday morning.

We have a new Champion inside the Randy Leagues. A new King; a new Ruler; a New Gun Show.

"Watch out; they'll getcha!" shouted a thrilled Burgundy.

After dominating Randy's Redemption (2013) and Randy's V (2013-2014), Sitch's reign of victorious crunches came to an end, ending an impressive two-year run, where he consumed more than 600 cups of rice. Here are the final visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Oops... sorry. I didn't mean to show the visual of Sitch eating 600 cups of rice. Here are the LEAGUE STATS visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

As you can see, the margin was razor thin.

Burgundy edged out Sitch with a point differential of 30.85. Sitch ended the season playing 28 fewer games than Burgundy; had Sitch made up those games during the season with the League PPGP average of 3.33, he would have sat atop the rankings for a third consecutive year.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!" cried Sitch.

This just goes to show you that PPGP means nothing at the end of the day. If you don't cash in your games to get valuable points, you run the risk of looking like a fool.

"I'm thrilled," said Burgundy. "But I am not going to boast. This was an incredibly difficult season and I am victorious due to several factors that were beyond my control. At the mid-season mark, I really thought Sitch was just going to run away with it again. Then, he had injuries to his two top goalies (Rinne and Lundqvist) and some top players (Seguin, Byfuglien, Letang). He's been a two-time Champion in this League, and is now a one-time finalist. There's no shame in that."

Very gentlemanly of you to say, Burgundy. But, you are too modest. Burgundy came into this season hoping to redeem himself for a lacklustre 2013-2014 season, and he accomplished this by selecting some really fine players; Rick Nash, in particular, was a monstrous pick up (Nash went undrafted, but achieved 304.65 fantasy points, ahead of Crosby, Seguin and Getzlaf, to name a few). Max Pacioretty, selected in the 9th round, was fourth in fantasy points among players with 319.60. Not too shabby, if you ask me!

Asked to comment about his bronze medal finish, Safari responded, "This is weird."

"I don't know how to feel about this..." said Safari.

Dick Burns, who will NOT be selecting first overall in the coming year's draft for the first time in years, was too busy 'shaking off' in numerous on campus videos to provide comment. My best guess is that he's as happy-go-lucky as he's ever been.

This is exactly what happens to Dick Burns every Monday.

Asked to comment about her fifth place finish, Tree Bone responded, "What did I place fifth in?"

"Cheerio, mates!" said Tree Bone.

As always, I am honoured and privileged to have been a part of this League. As Commissioner and exclusive journalist to the Randy Leagues, I thank all of you for visiting this prestigious site for all League matters, chatter and vulgarity. There were times this season where I wondered whether or not I was fit to continue writing this blog, and then I'd get a compliment from one of you select-GM's and it would make my day. Though I write for the fame and glory, your feedback is definitely appreciated.

The season may be finished, but I still have a few reports to publish before I formally wrap up Tri-Hard! Still to come is the last instalment of GM's Quarterly, as well as some other feature pieces I have yet to complete. The NHL Playoffs are also just around the corner so I'm sure to make comment on some of the happenings as they progress.

Until then, congratulations Burgundy on your victorious season. To all other select-GM's: better luck next time.

Cordially,

- Morpheus Randy

PS - Yes, I know; I've been obsessed with .gifs lately!

The Final Push

No, I'm not talking about that final pelvic thrust that brings you to Pleasure Heaven.

"Blast!" shouted Burgundy.

I'm talking about the last ditch efforts by Burgundy, Safari and Sitch going into the last weekend of Randy's Tri-Hard! Only time can tell what is to occur in the last moments of this year's League, but I am ever so excited to see whether or not these last minute roster switches will make any difference to the standings when this is all over.

Burgundy, who has done a fantastic job fulfilling his D-men games quota, is a bit short on games played by centres, so he's opted to add some more C-men ("Ewe!" said Tree Bone) to his roster. He's centres are currently projected to finish four games under, so he's elected to pick up Derek Stepan from the NYR to help out. He has injuries to Patrick Kane and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, both who can play the centre position, so that has affected his games-played quota.

"... God I miss my Citizen Kane," said Burgundy.

The entire NHL does as well, Burgs.

Burgundy, in deep thought during a press conference last night.

Safari, who has made enormous strides this quarter, is still a long shot to overtake the lead in Tri-Hard!, but with the crazy stories that have happened this year in the NHL (see the Hamburglar, Devan Dubnyk, the potential collapses of the Penguins and the Kings, Mark Stone, etc.) I cannot count him out. He's already maxed out his goalie games, quite unfortunate given he has Carey Price, but he still has ground to catch up with C-men ("Ewe! Again! Really?" said Tree Bone), though it may be a bit late.

"God damn it, why couldn't the season be a week longer?" said Safari. "I swear an extra week would make all the difference."

True Safari, but that's the way the game is played. If we had an extra week of play, I guarantee the Senators would be in a playoff position. 

Safari, mulling over what would transpire if Tri-Hard! was extended by a week.

Finally, we get to Sitch. Still chasing Burgundy to reclaim the lead in Tri-Hard!, Sitch has got plenty of games in hand, but they are mostly D-men games. For Sitch, this is no easy task in making up the games. Two of his most productive D-men, Byfuglien and Letang, are out, and have been out for a while. His reinforcements have been decent, but mathematically there is no way he will be able to make up the 18 D-men games he's projected to leave on the table. How did this happen?

"I got tied up," said Sitch. "The Bitch-It's-Sitch™ program really got me distracted. I love my business; I love my fitness. I started thinking about that more than anything else, and my bench management (extra McGuire) suffered."

You're still just a handful of points back of Burgundy, Sitch. There is still hope.

Sitch, working out his seldom used brain.

As we head into the weekend, the three select-GM's are arguably equally stressed and anxious. Burgundy is just hoping for the status quo and that the laws of ebbs and flows continue. Safari is hoping for a Hail Mary; perhaps Ovechkin will net five goals over the weekend and make this an insanely close race. Sitch is hoping that he just outperforms Burgundy through the weekend; his 22 point gap from Burgundy is recoverable, but only if his roster performs.

As for Dick and Tree, they will be on the sidelines, cheering on the three (and the Senators) and gearing up for next year's Draft.

"Good luck to all," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK25 - Resurrection

Does this even need a caption?

Welcome back, viewership-extraordinaire!

Mr. Fucking Randy sincerely hopes that each and every select-GM had a great Easter holiday. (At least for those who celebrate/were entitled to an extra few days off.) It's tough business working in the Randy Leagues; I know each and every one of you put your full 100% into this League (even you, Tree Bone!), so when the schedule gives you time off, you should take it and rest. I hope you all got some much needed down time.

What did I do? Well, family is of the most importance to Morpheus Randy, so I attended some family festivities, got a few good exercises in ("JEAH!" said Sitch) and cooked up a storm. I also had a very emotional up-and-down roller coaster experience with watching the Sens games; a courageous OT win over the Capitals, followed by a disappointing SO loss to the Leafs. God damn it, why must it be so damn hard?!

"That's what... meh, too easy," said Dick Burns.

With that being said, we are in the final week of competition. We've experienced a lot this year and I am sad to see another season coming to a close. These reports mean the world to me, and I hope they have entertained you as well. There will definitely be a final instalment of GM's Quarterly, and perhaps a few other colour pieces before I formally sign off.

But before I get all emotional and weepy, let's look at this week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Adds LeBrun: Can you say Resurrection?!

Adds McGuire: Yes! I can!

"Yes! I can!"

Adds LeBrun: It was a rhetorical question, but thanks McGuire. This week's theme is Resurrection, primarily because we're seeing a few select-GM's resurrecting their seasons. Sitch, who hasn't been atop the rankings in over a month now, has picked up the pace in the last few weeks and is now again right in the mix for top spot. He's less than 10 points behind Burgundy and has a handful of games in hand, though they are defensemen games. Safari, on the other hand (paw?), has been top bread earner for three consecutive weeks; he's about 120 points behind Burgundy, which is incredible considering that he was at one point more than 275 points behind Sitch (leader at the time). 

Adds McGuire: Well it's a product of team scouting, it's a product of player development and it's a product of his key players being key players. Ovechkin is just ridiculous; he picked up another 3 G and 2 A this week. For the season, Ovechkin has 400 fantasy points, about 80 more than next best Max Pacioretty. WHO DA THUNK IT?!

Adds LeBrun:... Thanks, Pierre.

Adds LeBrun: Well, no changes in the standings (again!) but the total points chart we saw previously tells the better story. We've got three select-GMs (Burgundy, Sitch and Safari) fighting for first overall.

Adds McGuire: I gotta put my bet on Burgundy winning this year. He's got that SC87 stick magic; no one is better with his shaft than Crosbone. He's just so poised, so patient and so strong...

Adds LeBrun: Need a tissue?

Adds McGuire: (breathing heavily) Yes, please.

Adds LeBrun: Not surprisingly, Safari was the week's most improved PPGP. He boosted his PPGP by 0.03 to 3.29. Sitch still leads overall with a 3.48, followed by Burgundy and Dick Burns, who each clock in at 3.41. Suffice to say, these last few games, especially for Burgundy and Sitch, will make or break the season.

Adds LeBrun: Even with lackluster goalie statistics, Burgundy is still able to lead inside Tri-Hard!, attributable to strong player performances. With an average of 3.27 PPGP from players, he's well ahead of the rest of the competition.

Adds McGuire: And we can see that hurting Sitch. For the first half of the season, Sitch was atop the rankings due to balanced goalie and player statistics. However, since then, his players have been less productive, and as a result, Burgundy's been able to overtake Tri-Hard! and make this a nightmare for Sitch!

Thank you to both Pierre LeBrun and Pierre McGuire for their colour commentary. Always a pleasure having these two providing their two cents.

As this week's theme is Resurrection, I would also like to report a few other items that turned up this week that had "resurrection-like" flavours. First, Burgundy, Sitch and Dick Burns were reunited once again (the first time since Toronto in January 2015); it was reported that they spent an evening at Sitch's residence, catching up on old times and watching a few games on the television.

"Those fucking plain-ass Miss Vickie's chips, tough," said Burgundy. "Don't know why Sitch loves them so damn much. I bet all he has in the freezer is vanilla ice cream."

"Damn straight," said Sitch.

The second is the return of Dick Burns's player status. Ladies, beware.

The third, and perhaps most important, is the resurrection of disco music. I have to give credit to Burgundy who showed this to me over the weekend. Ladies and gentlemen, if you thought you knew everything about disco, I'm here to tell you that you are absolutely wrong. Here is where disco is headed, for your listening and viewing pleasure:

From this video, I can think of a few things that will prove true in the very near future:

1. The sale of blue suits will tank. (Sitch, take note as this may be important to your new business venture.)
2. That bartender will never find another job bartending.
3. The two main ladies in the video have ruined their resumés (and their lives).
4. "Come on children" will become the worst pick-up line, ever.
5. Scratch that. "I'm with Nickelback" will be the worst pick-up line, ever.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

 - Morpheus Randy

Jack of All

We are just moments away from Easter Long Weekend. Rumour has it that some select-GMs will be in the same O-town vicinity again, while others are travelling out and about. While it may not be an all inclusive pow-wow like the one in February, there are sure to be some fireworks and excitement.

Speaking of fireworks and excitement, sources confirmed with me the other day that Burgundy found himself in Las Vegas a few weeks ago.

"I'm surprised Burgundy even knew where Las Vegas was," said Dick Burns.

Even with his MPA status and white-collar bank account, Burgundy opted to hop on a plane to Las Vegas with an unidentified IBMer who had discount airfare, or extra airmiles... or something. Anyway, the point is, the Burgas was in Las Vegas, dancing the strip away like a discount diva (via discount airfare) while throwing white-collar bills like he didn't give a fuck. A jack of all trades, Burgundy is.

"I saw things that could only be seen in Las Vegas," said Burgundy, eyes wide with spunk.

Not as good as Bridesmaids, but still pretty fucking good.

Burgundy, a master of Blackjack, was seen table hopping around casino floors, dummying the House and filling his Eddie Bauer cotton-lined pockets with chips. While a final chip count could not be conducted, it is said that Burgundy came out just fine.

"Except at one table," said Burgundy, with a grudge. "I won't name the casino as I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but fuck that was stupid."

I've heard rumours about these gambling maniac select-GMs before; back in their high school days, before the Randy Leagues even existed, they were apparently avid gamblers, sinning to biblical proportions and not having a care in the world. These degenerate select-GMs would toss quarters at plastic horses (Max A Hero was a fan favourite) and bet their DQ hourly wage on a Sicbo roll. Cowards, cowards, cowards!

"C'mon, Randy, we were young!" said Safari. "Gotta live a little, no?!"

Perhaps, my dear lion Safari, perhaps. I forget how old I am sometimes. I shouldn't be that hard on you childish clowns. Anyway, I'm hoping that this weekend's festivities will bring some additional newsworthy stories to Tri-Hard! It's been quiet around here. I've been able to squeeze in 3 daily blowies from my receptionists for about two weeks straight now; this type of streak is almost unheard of as I'm usually busy typing away and reporting.

"Only three? You're below my average," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.