Next Question with Azn Sitch

The second instalment of NQ revolves around two-time Randy League Champion Azn Sitch. In past, the order of NQ publishings have been in the reverse order of where select-GMs placed in the previous year, but I don't feel like ending NQs at GoodLyfe, so this year I will start with Sitch.

"Waz wrong wit GoodLyfe?!" yelled Sitch from the showers, as he prepares himself for the NQ.

Sitch, towel yourself off and, for the sake of my health, please look presentable when you come out of the showers.

"I'm good to go," said Sitch.

The reigning Champion, again. How does that sound?

Oh, Commissioner Randy, that sounds good brah! So good! So good! (slaps hand against pectoral-flexed chest)

The flexing is really not necessary, Sitch. You don't need to do that here.

Do what? (flexes again)

... Never mind. So, how are you liking the League so far?

I fuckin' love the League, Commissioner Randy. My fave as always! I just love the mental focus the Randy League demands. It's one thing to have to focus on the physical, but the mental is a whole other exercise. I've proven that I can compete with the best for two years running (extra cardio!) and I am out to prove that I can do it again!

Think you can get the hat-trick?

Oh, I believe I can. It's all about believing in yourself. Hey, look: I used to be nothing more than a weak yellow sponge with a belly full of rice. Now I'm running a successful Bitch-It's-Sitch! program, a fitness phenom and a crunch-enthusiast. The sky is the limit, brah!

Do you feel threatened by other select-GMs?

Threatened? No. But, I do take my competitors seriously. Never, EVER underestimate the competition. Just because you think you can lift that dumbbell don't mean you should half-ass it. That's a recipe for throwing out your back, bitch! Never cheat, ANY DAY! I did it once and it was awful!

Sitch, on his one and only cheat day.

So, aside from the Randy Leagues and your obsession with working out, what are the other colours of the Sitch rainbow?

Huh... other than working out? Damn Randy, I was going to say GTL dawg!

That's Mr. Fucking Randy.

Right, right. My apologies. OK, let me think about this for a sec. (cracks knuckles) I guess I could say that the other colours in my rainbow are still GTL.

... Explanation, please.

[G] - That means girl. Sitch has a special girl in his life now, and has for the last two years. Which is outside my norm as I usually have bitties stacked on me like 45lb weights, ya know?! (bro laugh)

Get to the point.

OK, OK. Well, she's a big part of my life, and I do what I can to make sure she sparkles. She's done so much for me in the last two years so I always want to be her best man.

That's nice. And the T, L?

[T] - That means think. People may make fun of my (lack of) intelligence and my rigidity, but I truly wish to evolve and transform as I progress in life. I may be a gym rat and have my strict routine, but people would be surprised to know that I do branch out and use my brain. I like thinking and I like using my noggin. The more versatile you are, the more prepared you will be, and that's how Sitch likes it! (Fonzie thumbs)

[L] - That means literature. I just learned that word! Ha! I like reading and it helps with my thinking. This body ain't all about brawn!

I see. Now Sitch, you were caught in a media circus earlier this month ---

Don't want to get into that, Commissioner Randy --- 

--- A restraining order was filed against ---

Don't want to talk about it!

Sitch, please. Walk the readers through what happened.

*Sigh* Not much to say, OK? For the longest time, I was indirectly involved with a particular media outlet.

Perry Fire Media.

... No comment. Anyway, every PR/media event I do should conclude and expire. But, in the case of this one particular incident, this media outlet wanted continued media coverage of me and my rights. I wasn't a big fan of their services so I declined.

But the story doesn't end there.

No. See, there was a partnership between me and the media outlet before my fame in the Randy Leagues. Getting my fitness career and name out there proved to be difficult, so I needed some PR help. I used the media outlet on and off to jump start my career. Then once I got going in the Randy Leagues, I didn't need them anymore so I left.

Why was a restraining order placed then?

The media outlet kept harassing me, again and again, to reconnect. It got to the point where I was getting unprofessional texts and it was affecting my life. So it was in my best interest to file the restraining order. That's it.

Have you heard from them since?

No.

Hm. Well, I think we can leave it there. Thanks for opening up on the incident.

It was tough to do, but you are welcome.

Just one last question, Sitch.

Go ahead.

"Hey, wanna fuck?"

I HATE YOU, COMMISSIONER RANDY!

BREAKING: Another DB Doppelgänger Spotted!

Earlier this month I was informed by sources (Sitch, Burgs) that there was an apparent Dick Burns doppelgänger running about in Ottawa. Dick Burns was notified and quickly filed a report to local authorities. The doppelgänger was neutralized. The police interrogated the doppelgänger in Ottawa; he admitted to imitating Sir Dickery Burns for the purposes of benefiting his date life.

"It was a good strategy," said Dick Burns. "But the end result would have been millions upon millions of broken hearts. That would have been unfair."

The whole doppelgänger issue was thought to have been over, and select-GMs were able to laugh about the matter once it was assumed closed. However, Dick Burns is getting caught up once again in the media. And yes, it involves yet ANOTHER DOPPELGÄNGER.

"Are you fucking serious?!" asked Tree Bone.

Yes, Mr. Fucking Randy is serious. East coast sources tell me that a few days ago another Dick Burns doppelgänger was spotted at a local pub. Eye-witnesses were able to snap this photo (see below): 

Once again, this is NOT Dick Burns.

"Is he curling a Rubik's cube?" asked Sitch.

It appears to be a Rubik's cube, but I don't think he's trying to curl it. Sitch, just because a person has something in their hand doesn't mean they are trying to work out with it.

"I don't get it... why pick it up then??" asked Sitch.

"I can't believe this," said Dick Burns. "I need to talk to Dick Burns, Sr."

A good call, Dick Burns. Given that Dick Burns is sexually gifted, it is plausible that Dick Burns, Sr. was also quite the mac daddy. Dick Burns, Sr. may have passed along those talents to Dick Burns himself. Maybe before settling down, Dick Burns, Sr. played the field and as a result left some seeds in the soil.

In the meantime, Dick Burns is setting up a doppelgänger hotline for public use. If any more are spotted, Dick Burns urges the public to use the resource. The hotline is 1-800-DPL-GNGR.

"Please assist me in the fight against identity theft," said Dick Burns.

Until next time,

- the Fucking Randy 

WK3 - Hear Me ROAR

Safari appears to be putting on a show. A real. Fucking. Show.

"Here me roar, bitches. Here me ROAR!" sang Safari, doing his best Katy Perry impression.

"Look at 'em chesties!" cheered Burgundy.

For the second consecutive week, Safari leads Tri-Hard!, showing no signs of slowing down. With continuing world-class performances from his roster, it appears his fellow select-GMs will need to put up phenomenal numbers going forward if they wish to catch him. The 'silver-backed Safari' moniker may soon be dropped, as he appears poised for gold this year.

Adds McGuire: It's still early, but Safari's success this season is absolutely insane. He leads in PPGP, he leads in total points and he's played the fewest games in Tri-Hard!, along with Burgundy (101 total GP). Safari's showing such tenacity! A truly special specimen!

(I'm having difficulty uploading the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. I apologize for this inconvenience; for now, I'll dive into the numbers without the charts.)

Like McGuire said, Safari is killing it in every category. What is interesting to note is that Tree Bone actually leads in PPGP earned by players; on average, she gets 3.75 PPGP from forwards and defensemen, closely followed by Safari at 3.73. What sets Safari apart from the competition is the goalie statistics; he's averaging 7.41 PPGP from goalies. Isn't that nuts?

Adds McGuire: It's sheer larceny, Commissioner Randy. Talk about highway robbery! Jonathan Quick and Darcy Kuemper continue to provide key saves, giving Safari key wins AND frequent shutouts. It's a win-win combination! El-Kabong!

El-Kabong? WTF Pierre? You're extra McGuire-charged today.

Aside from the stupendous results Safari is showcasing presently, the Fucking Randy looked at a few shortcomings thus far in Tri-Hard! Sitch and Burgundy, who were both projected to have strong showings in the player department, are actually struggling as of late. Burgundy's forwards and defensemen statistics are grossly relying on Crosbone, and even then he still only averages 3.07 PPGP from his players (a league-low). Sitch is not doing much better, clocking in second lowest with 3.17. Burgs appears to be doing something about it; he's made the most player transactions so far (15 as of today's date) and rumours have surfaced that he's looking to wheel'n'deal with select-GMs.

"I can neither deny or confirm that remark," said Sitch when asked whether he and Burgundy have been in trade talks. "I can confirm that I'm a physical phenomenon though."

I could care less about that, you protein-plum. I care about League matters, and whether or not we will see some exciting roster moves in the coming months. From what I've heard, Burgundy is going balls-out to claim the title from Sitch and is using all resources possible, including externally published literature. He's been seen whacking off to the latest Sportsnet Magazine articles and trying to get the inside scoop on players.

"Oh yeah, fuckin' LUV Sportsnet Magazine," said Burgundy. "They had an article on Bettman as being potentially the greatest sports commissioner ever. Spot on!"

"Your perspective on Sportsnet Magazine justifies your placement in Tri-Hard!" stated Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

CSA (i)

Commissioner Service Announcements (CSAs) are rare but do occur from time to time in the Randy Leagues. I'm here to clarify a service performed moments earlier in Tri-Hard! in case any select-GM has questions.

Earlier this morning, select-GM African Lion Safari requested to Commissioner Randy to reverse a transaction involving the drop of Ryan Johansen, made in error on October 23, 2014.

I, Commissioner Randy, have obliged and reversed the transaction, but am aware that Johansen would have been on waivers and free for pick up by any other select-GM. In reversing Safari's drop, Johansen is no longer on waivers, and Johansen has been returned to Safari's line-up effective immediately.

If any select-GM was looking to pick Johansen off waivers, or disagrees with the decision, please contact Commissioner Randy personally. My door is always open; just bring some rye.

This has been your Commissioner Service Announcement. Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

Strong and Free

Every once in a while, something happens that would have been unimaginable seconds earlier. There may be no merit, no rhyme and no reason, but it happens, and it will not make any sense.

Yesterday's shooting at Parliament Hill was no exception. I, Commissioner Randy, could only watch on in disbelief as CBC reported on the event, providing updates minute by minute. Unlike some stations, either domestic or international, I applaud CBC's efforts in covering its headlines; rarely do they speculate beyond what is necessary, and I do believe they try to report objective news without getting side-tracked with scaring/enticing its audience for the sake of viewership.

I won't get into the details of the event as there are way more qualified journalists who can do a much better job than I can. I am only here to report that Sitch, the only current select-GM resident in Ottawa, is safe and well, and was not downtown when the shootings occurred. I spoke with him last night, where he indicated that he was touched to have received a few texts from select-GMs inside Tri-Hard!, asking if he was alright.

"That's the one upside to what is otherwise a tragic event," said Sitch. "You think about what matters to you, and hear from those who matter."

Could not have said that better myself. Wise words, Sitch.

This is paradise.

Triple Threat Causes Workout Overdose

Here at Tri-Hard! Central, the most important opinion that matters comes from Commissioner Randy (obviously). Few analysts, journalists etc. hold a candle to Sir Fucking Randy's remarks, right? Even so, I welcome the input of third party sources; I've done this many times with the likes of McGuire, LeBrun (at the request of Burgundy) and more.

"What about that time you hired Glenn Healy?" asked Tree Bone, with a smirk.

That was a mistake, and I regret that decision every single day. Thank you for bringing it up though, Tree Bone. It's been noted (evil grin).

But why do I bring this up? Well, NHL.com released last week's three stars and one particular select-GM was thrilled with the publishing. So thrilled, in fact, that said select-GM became an uncontrolled fitness maniac, according to inside sources.

Unconfirmed photo of Sitch at his home residence.

"Hazzz! Look at that ffffform! FFFFFFenomenal!" said Sitch, spit spewing out between his buck teeth.

I can understand Sitch's optimism. All three stars as listed on NHL.com's weekly selection were on Sitch's team (Seguin, Andersen and Stamkos). Apparently, Sitch took a screen shot of his Tri-Hard! roster update page (seen below) and stuck it on his GoodLyfe Body Centre wall and began working out like a mad-fuck.

"Jeah, mos-def did that!" confirmed Sitch. "I was so doped, so hyped, so high! Couldn't get enough of the endorphins that were released once I started doing my crunches. I had the screenshot copied and painted onto the ceiling of GoodLyfe so I could see it when I crunch on the floor. It's like the Sistine Chapel, brah! But NEVER, NEVER did I cheat! Don't cheat! Keep werkin' hard and squat on!"

Sources indicated that Sitch was so excited about the news that he went on a 36 hour workout binge, crunching in excess of 3,000 abdominal reps and squatting until his ass cheeks bled. He consumed over 1,500 grams of protein, ten times the daily recommendation. Sitch was admitted to hospital for overdosing on protein, as well as treated for workout exhaustion. He was released earlier today.

Even with the triple threat of Seguin, Andersen and Stamkos, the League still belongs to Safari, who has a slight edge in points over Sitch (he currently leads the League with 298.65 points, followed by Sitch with 292.80 points). Though the point gap is small, Safari has eight games in hand on Sitch and boasts a League-best 4.27 PPGP compared to Sitch's 3.75.

"We talking PPGP, or my big fat P?" asked Safari.

"PPGP only," said Dick. "There's no way you'd have a League-best big fat P at only 4.27."

The dicks are out and fully swinging. Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy

WK2 - A Taste of Gold

Apologies for being a day late on the stats report. Mr. Fucking Randy had some weekend meetings and errands to attend to; PR (Pussy Romp) events et al.

Well, well, well... look who is sitting atop the rankings this week. Is this a sign of things to come? A changing of the guards?

"I sure as hell hope so," said an encouraged, yet cautious Safari.

Taste good, don't it?

After years of being a bridesmaid (and never the bride), Safari has taken over the League standings, leaping over Dick Burns during week two of competition. Safari can thank the likes of Jamie Benn, Alex Ovechkin and Jonathan Quick for turning in strong weeks. Safari is the first select-GM to reach the quarter-millennium mark; he's booked just over 250 fantasy points in two weeks.

Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Look at all them green!" said Safari, referring to the rainbow (above).

'Tis a mighty fine rainbow you got there indeed, Safari. He's above league averages in every single category. I'm not sure if that's ever been accomplished before in the Randy Leagues. He's also pulling a Dick Burns via Randy's V, a.k.a. Safari is absolutely dummying the goalie statistics. Conversely, Dick Burns is struggling the most in goalie stats, a rare instance for the select-GM.

"One of my top picks, Varlamov, is now on IR," said Dick Burns. "No surprises with the resulting impact on my rainbow."

Adds McGuire: The League is so incredibly close! I love it! Teams are switching positions faster than Lindsay Lohan!

"Ebbs and flows, people. Ebbs. And. Flows," said Burgundy, clenching his moustache comb. "Tavares is the tits. Crosby is the Crosbone. Together, it's going to be a titty-fuck you cannot even imagine. Come January when both are in mid-season form, I'll be dominating all you butt-futters!"

... Wow. I feel sticky, do you?

"Rinse and repeat," said Dick Burns. "It has never failed me."

Wise words, Dick.

Next Question with Commissioner Randy

Welcome back to Next Question (NQ), an old favourite here inside the Randy Leagues. Last year, I was courteous and allowed Pierre "the Monster" McGuire to interview yours truly; readers wanted insight on Mr. Fucking Randy, and Mr. Fucking Randy obliged. I am equally courteous this year, so I will happily allow this again. 

"You want insight, bitch?"

And, McGuire has been appointed to interview Mr. Fucking Randy again, as he did a decent job last year.

"Thank you, Commissioner. My ability to fulfil this task is a product of being a professional," comments McGuire. "It's a product of working hard. It's a product of knowing when to ask the right questions. It's a product of being a fine-young-man. It's a product of --- "

McGuire, don't push your luck. Can you just get to it?

"Yes! I can!"

Salutations once again, Commissioner Randy.

A hat tip to you too, Pierre.

How are you today?

Couldn't be better, Pierre. Randy's Tri-Hard! is off to a fantastic start and there haven't been any glitches yet. Other than a slight scheduling issue pre-draft, everything has gone relatively smoothly. I'm excited for a new season.

You scheduled this Next Question series quite early. Any reason for that?

Well, historically there have been only four NQs as there were only four select-GMs. But, with the addition of Tree Bone and the overwhelming requests to include the Commissioner in the series, I decided that it's probably best to get a few done at the beginning of the season, especially when time permits. The season gets well under way in the winter months, and I may not have time for these interviews then.

Very smart, Commissioner. So, how do you feel about the select-GMs this year?

Do you mean their teams, or each select-GM personally?

Their teams. Wait... you know what? Both. Let's start with their teams.

The combine results depict where I see them finishing, but I'll add a bit more colour to each. 

BURGS - He is so stacked at centre, to the point where it's not even fair. Lately, he's also being a goalie whore, which is similar to what Sitch tried last year. I spoke with Burgs over the Thanksgiving break and he mentioned that he tried a more balanced drafting approach this year, influenced slightly by Sitch's historic drafting style.

"Fuck you Burgs; don't steal my thoughts!" said Sitch, clenching his head with his callused hands.

I do like his team a lot, and I think he may win it all.

DICK BURNS - Every year I look at his roster, and every year I scratch my music-filled noodle. I can't get a good reading on his team. Sometimes I think they will cock-rock, other times I think the opposite. I will say though that I feel more bullish about his team this year than in any previous year. He drafted very well despite having the burden of flipping between the first and last pick of each round.

SAFARI - I like his team, and I like it even better in the first two weeks of competition. Ovechkin, especially, has been somewhat forgotten the past few years, falling behind the likes of Crosby, Toews and new young guns, but, he appears to be back to his old self. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he broke it off with Maria Kirilenko in the summer; now that he's able to dick-swing freely again, he can stick-swing freely too. If Ovechkin can tally up 60+ goals plus add to other areas (he used to be a monster in shots and hits), Safari will be a serious contender.

"Oooo das naiiice," said every Russian woman on the planet.

SITCH - I think it'll be tough for Sitch this year. Attempting to win the title belt for three straight years is a tall order, and Sitch is like, what, 5'6" on good days? In previous years he's been able to capitalize on picking up sloppy seconds, but the opportunities are more scarce now that there are five select-GMs. Though he did finish first along with Burgs in the combine, I see him having real challenges.

Tough times ahead for gym rats?

TREE BONE - Tree Bone's got some household names, but some are getting too old. This was partially why her team ranking was the lowest during the combine. In addition, I think she has individual players who are fantastic, but I don't feel bullish for the teams they represent. She has a few gentlemen on Edmonton (Hall, Eberle) and more on San Jose (Couture, Marleau, Niemi) and I just don't have a great feeling about those teams. But I cannot rationalize these thoughts; they are merely gut intuitions (a.k.a. pointless). I do think that Hall and/or Eberle are trade baits for Edmonton though, so they may land on legitimate teams sometime this season which would really benefit Tree Bone.

And very quickly, in a few words, thoughts on each select-GM?

BURGS - If I could have a dollar for every time he erected a Crosbone, I'd buy an island.

DICK BURNS - I pray (REALLY PRAY) that he doesn't go MIA again this season. Every year he starts off dick fully erect and then vanishes. He's a busy man, but I really do think he can challenge for the title this year.

SAFARI - He's everything you want in a League. Highly entertaining, competitive, supportive and intelligent.

SITCH - I give him credit for winning back-to-back titles. That is all.

TREE BONE - She's someone I wish I could see more often.

Thank you, Commissioner. Next question: do you ever get tired of being Commissioner?

Never. The only reason you get tired of something is if you're bored with it. I am never bored of this League, just like how players are never tired of talking to you, Pierre.

What Tuukka said.

If you're not attending to Commissioner duties, what are you doing?

I have my honies, obviously. But, aside from that, I'm gorging down the latest gourmet poutines. I heard Dick Burns is now lactose-intolerant so there is an excess of cheese curds on the market. I'm doing my best to level out the supply and demand.

I'm also an avid fan of doing things right. "Things" can mean anything, from a complicated hobby to an everyday chore. I'm an analyst at heart, as seen with all the stats reports I've produced over the years, so I enjoy thinking, analyzing and sweating the small stuff. Some people think it's nerdy, but I don't give a shit. There's nothing wrong with spending time on learning what is best.

Any advice to give to the readers out there?

I don't know, Pierre. It's not really my position to give advice if not asked.

(chuckles) Well, I'm asking then! Any advice to me, or other readers out there? How about advice on life? That's pretty broad.

Oh Pierre... On life huh? I'd just say to approach life with 360 vision. The general consensus in society is to "look ahead, not back" but I think that is wrong. In addition, I think most people get too focused on looking side to side (a.k.a. comparing themselves to others), which is also wrong. Looking ahead is important, but going back and reviewing where you've been and how you've progressed is just as important. People are always frustrated with where they are in life; they compare themselves to others and the comparisons are unfair. When have you ever heard someone compare themselves to someone worse off then they are? It's rare because people always seem to want to top one another so everyone is looking side to side, trying to play catch up with those higher above on the mountain.

What is "higher above"? It's subjective... and likely one dimensional. Is "higher above" in terms of career? Salary? Reputation? What about in terms of relationships? Happiness? Family? It's important to think about the full spectrum before you start judging yourself.

Do you judge yourself?

Of course I do. But that's natural. I just try to keep myself in check once in a while. I mean, really, if you're always climbing the mountain, you'll never enjoy the view.

Wise words, Commissioner. Let's leave it there. Thanks for your time.

My best regards.

Early Season Gems

The season is only a week old, but there are already some early jewels that have surfaced inside Tri-Hard! While I'm not accustomed to being a premature analyst like some meat-heads out there ("HEY!" cried Sitch), I do feel these early season gems are worth noting.

And, for the record, early season gems consist of overachievers, surprise draft selections and REAL Rudy-esque players, if you will. They don't include the likes of undisputed top picks or keeper picks.

"Outrageous! Come on, what about the Crosbone?!" whined Burgundy.

Where's Frodo?

1. VICTOR HEDMAN, D [TB] - OWNED BY DICK BURNS

Selected in the eighth round (40th overall), Dick Burns has uncovered a gem in Tampa's Hedman. Slightly forgotten due to the emergence of country-man Erik Karlsson, Hedman is now showing why he was the second overall pick in 2009 (after John Tavares, before Matt Duchene - talk about a deep draft!). Dick has banked 3 G and 4 A with Hedman, good for 26.15 fantasy points so far.

"What can I say?" commented Dick Burns. "I'm a good HED-Hunter (chuckles)."

Oh Dick; you and your puns.

2. MARK GIORDANO, D [CGY] - OWNED BY DICK BURNS

Wow, who would have thought Giordano would be one of the leading defensive scorers in the early going of the season? (On a pretty weak Calgary roster, might I add.) Once again, Dick Burns used his "HED-hunting" skills and picked up Giordano in the 15th round (71st overall) and has profited handsomely. Giordano has 1 G and 4 A under the wings of Dick Burns.

"What can I say?" commented Dick Burns. "I really hit the MARK on that pick."

That's enough, Dick.

Apparently he's captain, too!

3. ANTTI NIEMI, G [SJ] - OWNED BY TREE BONE

Selected in the ninth round (43rd overall), Tree Bone is proving to the world that SJ isn't dead yet. Niemi boasts a 0.920 save percentage and has recorded two wins, including a shutout in one of them, good for 18.75 fantasy points. When you compare that to notable names like Rask (only 4.50 fantasy points so far) and Lundqvist (a disastrous -14.25 fantasy points so far), both who were selected in the first round, Niemi is a bona fide Rudy!

"He's delightful!" cheered Tree Bone.

"Please... don't remind me of Lundqvist," said Sitch, chewing on a multi-protein assortment.

4. CORY SCHNEIDER, G [NJ] - OWNED BY BURGUNDY

Schneider went undrafted in this year's Tri-Hard! but has been a sweet free agent pick-up for Burgundy. Lots of people figured Schneider may be a lost cause after landing in NJ but he's been quietly doing his job. Burgs has benefited from two wins and a 0.963 save percentage thus far from Schneider.

"He's saving more than Costco members!" said a happy Burgundy.

5. PEKKA RINNE, G [NSH] - OWNED BY SITCH & JEFF CARTER, C/RW [LA] - OWNED BY SAFARI

RINNE - Perhaps three years ago Rinne would have been a no-brainer first or second round selection. However, injuries plagued the world-class goalie last year and his lower draft ranking was a by-product. But, Sitch picked him up in the 11th round (55th overall) and he has been good. Two wins and a 0.918 save percentage ain't to shabby for a goalie coming off hip surgery.

Sitch pumps fist, clenches teeth.

CARTER - Carter is not necessarily a surprising pick; he's known to score regularly and will generate decent points for any select-GM. However, he was a somewhat late selection in the 11th round (54th overall) and Safari has benefited from his play (2 G, 2 A) and received 17.25 fantasy points from him thus far.

"Watch out Dick; I'm coming for yas," commented Safari, currently sitting second behind Dick Burns.

Who's gonna take it?

"Hey Safari, thanks for keeping that silver seat warm all these years," said Dick Burns, perched atop the Tri-Hard! rankings. "Really makes a difference."

"Well then, I must congratulate you on keeping the basement of the Randy League's smelling like elephant shit," retorted Safari.

Gentlemen, please.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

BREAKING: Identity Theft Is Not A Joke!

The Office (US) - Product Recall (S3, E20)

Rarely is Dick Burns caught up in media frenzies; the calm, collected dick-burned select-GM is ever so wise and keeps his private life under wraps. The media circus is usually dominated by those with a weaker personal filter and IQ (see Burgundy, Sitch).

"Oh come on now! I went on record saying I immediately regretted that decision!" said Burgundy, referring to his indecent exposure charge back in September 2013. "I just love Rashida Jones! Can you blame me? FUCK!"

"And my instances are due to my healthy body plans!" replied Sitch, referring to his multiple readmissions to the hospital for carbo-loading. "They are a part of any healthy diet; it's a meat-head medical condition!"

Well, what about the other juicy stories that have surfaced recently, Sitch? i.e. the restraining order against a particular media outlet?

"... CRUNCH YOU!"

Breathe a sigh of relief, both of you, because this time around, it is Dick Burns who has made headlines. And, both of you are witnesses to this event.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, Sitch and Burgs were spotted at a metropolitan shopping outlet ("Let's go shopping!" shrieked Burgundy) when something caught their attention. A tall, relaxed figure appeared before them. Sitch and Burgs, who had been chatting like hens, stopped mid-sentence and stared at the figure in awe.

"Is that..." said both, in unison.

With his fast-reflexes ("Due to years of training!" said Sitch), a photo was snapped of the figure.

Believe it or not, this is NOT Dick Burns.

"OH MY GOD!" commented Dick Burns upon viewing the photo.

That's right folks; it Dick Burns has a doppelgänger, who sells mobile phones, apparently.

"Well, I won't go as far as saying he's my exact carbon copy," said Dick Burns. "All you'd have to do is pull down his trousers and you'd find the differences."

True, but I'd probably get arrested for that. Sounds a bit like indecent exposure. That sounds like something Burg --- 

"I said I regretted that decision! Don't bring this up again!" said Burgundy, in tears.

Anyway, Dick Burns filed a report to police and his doppelgänger has since been neutralized.

"I must say the police acted quickly," said Dick Burns. "Perhaps a little too quickly. I would have liked to see my double for myself. I imagine flirting with him would have been just lovely."

Wise words, Dick.

WK1 - GFY Combine!

Tree Bone takes shit from no one.

Time to pop another cherry! It's time for Randy's weekly report, courtesy of the Tri-Hard! stats machine. Commissioner Randy has rolled forward the stats machine into the new League; let's get to it.

So, as the title of the post suggests, the WK1 theme was giving the middle finger to the combine results. Tree Bone, who was projected to finish last in this year's Tri-Hard!, has come out of the gates (extra hard) with (black) guns ablazin'. She sits atop the rankings in both total points and PPGP.

"PPGP; that's MY THING!" said an unhappy Sitch.

Apparently not, Sitch. PPGP is dominated by Team TB. She owns the best PPGP in the first week of Tri-Hard! with a thunderous 4.51 PPGP.

"Thunderous is MY ADJECTIVE!" cried Sitch.

"Did you guys know that Crosby is on pace to get 246 points?" said Burgundy, erect.

Calm down Burgundy; let's not get ahead of ourselves. Remember, there's always a concussion just around the corner. ("GFY!" cried Burgundy.) 

Here's the PPGP for the League:

1. 4.51 - Tree Bone

2. 4.03 - Dick Burns

3. 3.54 - Sitch

4. 3.35 - Burgundy

5. 2.87 - Safari

"Jealous, boys?" smirked Tree Bone, sipping a cup of Earl Grey.

Tree Bone can thank Parise, Marleau and Perry who have all been multi-goal scorers in the first week of play. She also owns the only goalie out of all select-GMs who registered a shutout in the first week. Not too shabby at all, if you ask me.

Adds McGuire: Let's also give credit to Dick Burns who also had a strong week. Price booked a few wins for Team DB and his first overall selection, Getzlaf, was a huge monster! A fine young man who was an excellent puck distributor this week; he got in on a few of Perry's goals! MONSTER!

"I'm happy with the overall progress so far," said Dick. "But going forward, I hope my team will perform better and make better decisions. I always tell my players the same thing each day: NEXT TIME, DO BETTER."

Wise words, Dick.

Branches in Full Swing

Break out the champagne, as the new NHL season has officially started!

"Why is it that black people can dance so much better than everyone else?!" cried Sitch.

The first games of the NHL season were played last night; I personally thoroughly enjoyed the SJ vs. LA match. SJ came out on top with a convincing 4-0 victory, which makes me realize that regular season performance is as meaningful as Burgundy's everyday observations.

"What is that supposed to mean? No, wait... what is that supposed to mean. No, wait... mean! Mean?! Mean. Me --- " said a confused Burgundy, looking down at PromptApp.

Careful Burgundy; you don't want to get your moustache knotted up.

Anyway, the cherry has been popped ("Ew!" shrieked Tree Bone) on this new season, and Tree Bone is the early season winner, cashing in with 40+ points after day one. She can thank Antti Niemi for a stellar shut-out performance, as well as Patrick Marleau who picked up a goal and an assist.

Tree Bone was the big winner on opening night.

"All you SJ haters keep on hating," said Tree Bone. "One day you will realize that I was right all along. Don't be hating! Make (black) love, not war!"

Wise words, Ms. Tree.

BREAKING: Sitch Files Restraining Order

Yeah...

Local authorities have confirmed that select-GM Azn Sitch has filed an official restraining order from Perry Fire Media early this morning. According to inside sources, Sitch received suggestive texts from Perry Fire Media and has been dodging other encounters.

"My client has no comment at this time," said Sitch's legal counsel. "Please respect the privacy of my client and understand that this is a personal issue. It will not have any direct effect on the Tri-Hard! season, but it was something my client felt needed to be dealt with sooner rather than later."

As Commissioner, I will respect Sitch's wishes... for now.

"I know what happened! I know what happened!" sang Safari in the distance, chuckling.

Keep your eyes and ears open, gentlemen and lady.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

Select-GM Pages Updated

Is a caption really needed?

Want your select-GM ego stroked? Click on the nav bar above to see personalized biographies.

Cordially,

- Morpheus Randy

Combine Results

"Oh yeah, just like that baby."

As in prior seasons, Commissioner Randy is pleased to bring you the official combine results which were analyzed shortly after the Draft. Though Commissioner Randy is more used to the screaming, sweating and breathing beneath his bedroom sheets, he is also accustomed to weighing in on the screaming, sweating and breathing of team prospects, clipboard in hand.

"Again, I'd like to go on record and say that combine results, generally speaking, are useless," chimed in Dick Burns.

Of course, of course. But it does make for fine journalism. Speculating, after all, is what sports analysts are paid to do most of the time. How often are they right? How often do people care? Let's put our logical side away and bring on some speculative fun!

For this year's combine results, I've also asked the Pierres (McGuire and LeBrun) for colour commentary.

... Obviously.

"I fuckin LUV Pierre LeBrun," says Burgs.

Here are the results, fresh off the clipboard from yours truly. [Position, followed by rank, followed by analysis.]

CENTRE

1. Burgs

2. Dick Burns, Sitch

3. Safari, Tree Bone

Mr. Fucking Randy hates giving out ties; in many ways it's a cop-out. I fucking hate myself for giving this position two ties, but I really couldn't split it any other way.

"All I see is the Crosbone taking the cake. 'Nuf said!" cheered Burgundy, showcasing a massive erection.

Burgundy does have the breadth and depth at centre; with Crosby and Tavares as his one-two punch, few other players can intimidate as much as the two. Dick Burns gets honourable mentions with a strong trio in Getzlaf, Kopitar and Toews. I also give an honourable mention to Sitch, who could potentially have a dynamite duo in Stamkos and Seguin, plus a potential sleeper in Nugent-Hopkins.

LEFT WING

1. Dick Burns

2. Safari

3. Burgs

4. Tree Bone

5. Sitch

"Fifth?! C'mon!" sobbed an angry Sitch.

Sorry Sitch, but LW is owned, and I mean REALLY OWNED, by Dick Burns. With Kunitz riding shotgun alongside Crosby, it is probable that he could get 30+ goals again, which will definitely help Team DB this year. Plus, Team DB also has Landeskog, and Mr. Fucking Randy really believes that this will be the coming-out party for him this year.

Adds McGuire: Let's not forget that Team DB has Lucic, a monster, MONSTER player who plays on a strong Boston team. Even if Lucic doesn't score, he always picks up points in shots, hits and penalties. He's such a fine young man!

A fine young man makes a happy Pierre.

Adds LeBrun: But I'm really interested in Safari's LW position. I mean, Jamie Benn had a career year last year, but that's not to say that he won't have another one this year. Pavelski is also a strong contender, even though the League seems to be passing on San Jose in general. Finally, I think JvR is extremely underrated.

RIGHT WING

1. Tree Bone, Burgs

2. Sitch

3. Safari

4. Dick Burns

"Cheerio for me!" said a happy Tree Bone.

"And me!" said a jolly Burgs.

I give the advantages on RW to Tree Bone (St. Louis, Eberle and Perry) and Burgs (Kane, Kessel and Vanek). I almost gave it solely to Burgs, but Tree Bone has Perry who can score and produce fantasy points even if he doesn't hit the score sheet. Additionally, St. Louis appears to age like a fine wine and I cannot write him off. Burgundy should get solid production from Kane, and you can expect some streaky fireworks in Kessel and Vanek, so I gave both select-GMs the nod for this position.

As for the rest of the select-GMs, each has its strengths, but I had to allocate points for depth; in this case, Sitch gets honourable mentions once again as he boasts Hossa, Neal and MacKinnon.

DEFENSE

1. Sitch

2. Safari

3. Burgs, Tree Bone

4. Dick Burns

Assuming Letang has bounce back season, I give the advantage to Sitch. Weber, Byfuglien and Letang should produce handsomely for Abdominal Phenomenal this year and it would be hard to choose a better trio of defensemen. Safari gets honourable mention (Pietrangelo, Yandle, Suter, Ekman-Larsson, Doughty), and I would actually prefer his line-up over Sitch's in an actual NHL roster, but Doughty's solid defensive talents have not been reflected in fantasy points over the last few years.

"Balls!" said Safari.

GOALTENDING

1. Sitch

2. Safari, Dick Burns

3. Burgs

4. Tree Bone

Lundqvist, Crawford and Rinne. I believe Sitch has it.

Adds McGuire: The Rinne selection is a bit of a gamble, but not insane if you ask me. Nashville got a lot stronger during the off-season and I think that will translate into more wins.

Adds LeBrun: I think more weight should have been reflected in Safari and Dick Burns. Safari has Quick, arguably the best goalie in the NHL as far as I'm concerned. Plus, he has Lehtonen who is an extremely underrated goalie now playing on a stronger Dallas roster. Finally, Safari has Miller; there will be haters, but this guy backed Team USA and is a world-class competitor. I think last year was a write-off. As for Burns, you cannot get much better than Price, and I think Varlamov will repeat his fantastic performance from last year.

SUMMARY

Click to enlarge.

In summary, it appears the combine results show a tie between Sitch and Burgs for first overall in this year's Tri-Hard!, though I will say that the deviation from first to fifth was extremely narrow; some positions were so damn close that there could have been several more ties. I refrained from creating ties as much as possible as I simply don't like it. Based on the simulation, it appears it will be a toss up between Sitch and Burgs for the one-two spot, followed by Safari, Dick and Tree Bone.

"I agree with Dick," said Tree Bone. "Combine results mean nothing!"

"And I mean business," said Safari. "No more silver-back this year."

Good luck, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy

Decisions, Decisions - Tri-Hard! Draft Full of Surprises

Getzlaf goes first overall; Avalanche, Stars forwards of interest

"I'll pick him... ?"

It's both thrilling and slightly unfortunate that one of the most exciting and entertaining events that takes place in each Randy League is the Draft. Rarely is the drama or suspense any higher; if only this feeling could last all season long.

This year's Tri-Hard! Draft, which occurred October 2, 2014 at 6:45 EST, was no exception. All five select-GMs went hard at it; (Tree) boning it to no end, conjuring up endless draft (Azn) situations, (Dick) burning it into the wee hours of the morning, hunting for bargains like poachers in the (African Lion) safari and, uh... RON BURGUNDY!

The drama began pre-draft, with timing logistics being the main headline. With two select-GMs (Tree Bone and Safari) drafting overseas and a looming Thanksgiving Long Weekend scheduled for the second week of October, the available times for drafting were limited. Thankfully, a time slot was arranged and all select-GMs made it to the Draft podium, even if some teams registered last minute.

"Last minute? Sounds on time to me," said a calm, collected Dick Burns.

The Draft commenced with an intrusive, unplanned ceremonial CRUNCH performed by - you guessed it - Sitch. A back-to-back winner of the Randy Leagues (Redemption 2013, V 2014), the crunch appeared to be a sign of warning to all other select-GMs.

"Hazzz! You bet!" fist-pumped Sitch. "The title belt shall stay on these washboard abs!"

Dick Burns kicked off the Draft for the second straight year and wasted no time in picking up Ryan Getzlaf of the Anaheim Ducks. As Tree Bone kept Corey Perry as her Keeper, it may have been a defensive move right from the start to ensure Team DB would profit from the scoring Perry is sure to amass for Tree Bone.

"You can analyze the decision in many different ways," said Dick Burns. "I saw it as simply taking the best available player."

With the second overall pick, Jeah! enthusiast Burgundy picked up somewhat forgotten John Tavares, who was injured for most of last year. Owned by Sitch during last year's V, it was apparent that Burgundy's snatching of Tavares irritated the gym rat.

"Oh, it was more irritating than 'tards that don't wipe the machine after they're done!" said Sitch, pounding his callused fist on a table.

Practice safe reps, says Sitch.

"Ebbs and flows, bitch. Ebbs and flows," retorted Burgundy, swirling some scotch. "You've been on the upper cusp of the ebb and flow for too long. Time for a change!"

Burgundy, in response to Sitch's comments.

With the third overall selection, sophomore Tree Bone picked up the first goalie of the Draft, Tuukka Rask. Arguably the most sought after tender going into the season, Rask was worthy of a first round selection, and will without a doubt provide back end support for Mrs. Tree Bone.

"I love it in the back end," cheered Tree Bone.

Silver-backed African Lion Safari had the fourth overall selection and selected Evgeni Malkin, a double edged sword who can #HAM it at both C and RW. Though he is currently day-to-day, the Russian star amassed 72 points last season (23 G, 49 A) and, if healthy, could push for 100 points.

"That'd be radical!" said Safari.

Finishing off the first round ("Finishing! Jeah!" jeered Burgundy) was Sitch, who wasted no time in snatching up Henrik Lundqvist. Lundqvist was a stable point distributor ("Hey, that sounds like puck distributor!" cried Pierre McGuire) for Sitch last year, and it appears he didn't want that slipping away.

"And... he's just so god damn beautiful," said Sitch, drooling.

"Wow..." said Tree Bone.

Aside from the top five selections, notable drafting trends were noted during this year's Tri-Hard! event. Sitch quickly grabbed young-gun Tyler Seguin with the sixth overall selection, which spurred immediate feedback (in the form of swears and jeers) from other select-GMs.

"Honestly, I thought I could have snagged him (Seguin) in a later round. I didn't think Sitch would pick him so early," said Safari, deep in thought. "Sigh... kudos, Sitch."

Seguin's partner in crime, Jamie Benn, was picked up immediately after by Safari (seventh overall selection), which triggered further Dallas Star selections, such as Jason Spezza (Tree Bone, round 11) and Kari Lehtonen (Safari, round 14).

Another notable trend was the bet in Colorado Avalanche players. Dick Burns started it off by snatching Semyon Varlamov (round 3), who had an incredible run last year.

"I hope he does exactly the same this year," said Dick. "Assault charges and all --- too soon?"

Yeah, a little soon, but I appreciate the vulgarity. Anyways, soon after Dick Burns's selection, Burgundy took ownership in Matt Duchene (round 6). Other Avalanche players selected were Nathan MacKinnon (Sitch, round 7), Gabriel Landeskog (Dick Burns, round 9) and Jarome Iginla (Dick Burns, round 14).

"Wait Iginla's on Colorado?!" said Sitch.

Crazy, I know.

In summary, the Draft was full of surprises, and Commissioner Randy can confidently say that the teams are all well-mixed, front end and back end.

"It is important to attend to both," said Dick.

Let's leave it there. Wise words, Dick.