Next Question with Commissioner Randy

Welcome back to Next Question (NQ), an old favourite here inside the Randy Leagues. Last year, I was courteous and allowed Pierre "the Monster" McGuire to interview yours truly; readers wanted insight on Mr. Fucking Randy, and Mr. Fucking Randy obliged. I am equally courteous this year, so I will happily allow this again. 

"You want insight, bitch?"

And, McGuire has been appointed to interview Mr. Fucking Randy again, as he did a decent job last year.

"Thank you, Commissioner. My ability to fulfil this task is a product of being a professional," comments McGuire. "It's a product of working hard. It's a product of knowing when to ask the right questions. It's a product of being a fine-young-man. It's a product of --- "

McGuire, don't push your luck. Can you just get to it?

"Yes! I can!"

Salutations once again, Commissioner Randy.

A hat tip to you too, Pierre.

How are you today?

Couldn't be better, Pierre. Randy's Tri-Hard! is off to a fantastic start and there haven't been any glitches yet. Other than a slight scheduling issue pre-draft, everything has gone relatively smoothly. I'm excited for a new season.

You scheduled this Next Question series quite early. Any reason for that?

Well, historically there have been only four NQs as there were only four select-GMs. But, with the addition of Tree Bone and the overwhelming requests to include the Commissioner in the series, I decided that it's probably best to get a few done at the beginning of the season, especially when time permits. The season gets well under way in the winter months, and I may not have time for these interviews then.

Very smart, Commissioner. So, how do you feel about the select-GMs this year?

Do you mean their teams, or each select-GM personally?

Their teams. Wait... you know what? Both. Let's start with their teams.

The combine results depict where I see them finishing, but I'll add a bit more colour to each. 

BURGS - He is so stacked at centre, to the point where it's not even fair. Lately, he's also being a goalie whore, which is similar to what Sitch tried last year. I spoke with Burgs over the Thanksgiving break and he mentioned that he tried a more balanced drafting approach this year, influenced slightly by Sitch's historic drafting style.

"Fuck you Burgs; don't steal my thoughts!" said Sitch, clenching his head with his callused hands.

I do like his team a lot, and I think he may win it all.

DICK BURNS - Every year I look at his roster, and every year I scratch my music-filled noodle. I can't get a good reading on his team. Sometimes I think they will cock-rock, other times I think the opposite. I will say though that I feel more bullish about his team this year than in any previous year. He drafted very well despite having the burden of flipping between the first and last pick of each round.

SAFARI - I like his team, and I like it even better in the first two weeks of competition. Ovechkin, especially, has been somewhat forgotten the past few years, falling behind the likes of Crosby, Toews and new young guns, but, he appears to be back to his old self. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he broke it off with Maria Kirilenko in the summer; now that he's able to dick-swing freely again, he can stick-swing freely too. If Ovechkin can tally up 60+ goals plus add to other areas (he used to be a monster in shots and hits), Safari will be a serious contender.

"Oooo das naiiice," said every Russian woman on the planet.

SITCH - I think it'll be tough for Sitch this year. Attempting to win the title belt for three straight years is a tall order, and Sitch is like, what, 5'6" on good days? In previous years he's been able to capitalize on picking up sloppy seconds, but the opportunities are more scarce now that there are five select-GMs. Though he did finish first along with Burgs in the combine, I see him having real challenges.

Tough times ahead for gym rats?

TREE BONE - Tree Bone's got some household names, but some are getting too old. This was partially why her team ranking was the lowest during the combine. In addition, I think she has individual players who are fantastic, but I don't feel bullish for the teams they represent. She has a few gentlemen on Edmonton (Hall, Eberle) and more on San Jose (Couture, Marleau, Niemi) and I just don't have a great feeling about those teams. But I cannot rationalize these thoughts; they are merely gut intuitions (a.k.a. pointless). I do think that Hall and/or Eberle are trade baits for Edmonton though, so they may land on legitimate teams sometime this season which would really benefit Tree Bone.

And very quickly, in a few words, thoughts on each select-GM?

BURGS - If I could have a dollar for every time he erected a Crosbone, I'd buy an island.

DICK BURNS - I pray (REALLY PRAY) that he doesn't go MIA again this season. Every year he starts off dick fully erect and then vanishes. He's a busy man, but I really do think he can challenge for the title this year.

SAFARI - He's everything you want in a League. Highly entertaining, competitive, supportive and intelligent.

SITCH - I give him credit for winning back-to-back titles. That is all.

TREE BONE - She's someone I wish I could see more often.

Thank you, Commissioner. Next question: do you ever get tired of being Commissioner?

Never. The only reason you get tired of something is if you're bored with it. I am never bored of this League, just like how players are never tired of talking to you, Pierre.

What Tuukka said.

If you're not attending to Commissioner duties, what are you doing?

I have my honies, obviously. But, aside from that, I'm gorging down the latest gourmet poutines. I heard Dick Burns is now lactose-intolerant so there is an excess of cheese curds on the market. I'm doing my best to level out the supply and demand.

I'm also an avid fan of doing things right. "Things" can mean anything, from a complicated hobby to an everyday chore. I'm an analyst at heart, as seen with all the stats reports I've produced over the years, so I enjoy thinking, analyzing and sweating the small stuff. Some people think it's nerdy, but I don't give a shit. There's nothing wrong with spending time on learning what is best.

Any advice to give to the readers out there?

I don't know, Pierre. It's not really my position to give advice if not asked.

(chuckles) Well, I'm asking then! Any advice to me, or other readers out there? How about advice on life? That's pretty broad.

Oh Pierre... On life huh? I'd just say to approach life with 360 vision. The general consensus in society is to "look ahead, not back" but I think that is wrong. In addition, I think most people get too focused on looking side to side (a.k.a. comparing themselves to others), which is also wrong. Looking ahead is important, but going back and reviewing where you've been and how you've progressed is just as important. People are always frustrated with where they are in life; they compare themselves to others and the comparisons are unfair. When have you ever heard someone compare themselves to someone worse off then they are? It's rare because people always seem to want to top one another so everyone is looking side to side, trying to play catch up with those higher above on the mountain.

What is "higher above"? It's subjective... and likely one dimensional. Is "higher above" in terms of career? Salary? Reputation? What about in terms of relationships? Happiness? Family? It's important to think about the full spectrum before you start judging yourself.

Do you judge yourself?

Of course I do. But that's natural. I just try to keep myself in check once in a while. I mean, really, if you're always climbing the mountain, you'll never enjoy the view.

Wise words, Commissioner. Let's leave it there. Thanks for your time.

My best regards.