"Will This Matter a Year From Now?"

Time for a Randy Rant/Randy Story/whatever you want to call it. I haven't posted one of these since Randy's V, where I blogged about what it's like to be in Randy's shoes for a day. I feel like this year has been such a number crunching exercise due to how competitive the League has been. The administrative and statistical duties I've had to endure have been a-plenty, so my usual leisurely activities, such as reading, have been limited. Mr. Fucking Randy loves to read, and you should too.

Anyway, I picked up a book off Amazon the other day (for a buck ninety-nine, might I add); it was the first time reading off a Paperwhite so I was skeptical as to how I would like it. Generally, books are read by Mr. Fucking Randy off of freshly printed pages, tangible and crisp. There's something about running my fingers cover to cover that I love; it's a sensation that cannot be replaced. One of my small joys in life is taking a freshly printed book, reading it carefully through and through, to the point where the oils and moisture from my hands - over time - sink into the pages, creating ripple effects on the edges, making the book a little denser, crisper and rugged by the end of its read.

Unfortunately, reading a book off of a Paperwhite does not have the same effect. But, there are benefits from reading off an e-book so why should I be complaining?

The book I bought for a buck ninety-nine was Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - Richard Carlson. Essentially, the book comprises of 80 or so life tips. They are technically 80 chapters as opposed to tips, but calling each tip one chapter is kind of far-fetched, considering you can finish a tip in about  three minutes.

"Finishing a tip in three minutes? Sounds like a very, very talented lady," said Dick Burns.

I must admit; a lot of the stuff in the book is common sense and nothing Earth shattering. There's a lot of "take time for yourself" stuff and "be nice" advice. I wasn't thrilled with the simplicity of the book at first, mostly because I tend to like sweating the small stuff; thinking thoroughly about each and every detail can go a long way for many people, and I personally like detail work. That being said, I could understand the author's perspective. I mean, we all live once, so we should consider what we do with our time since there isn't much of it.

While the majority of the book was mediocre, there was one tip that I really liked and can actually apply to my life. It was a simple, tangible exercise. 

Whenever something gets to you (large or small), just ask yourself, "Will this matter a year from now?" Dick Burns once told me that his New Year's Resolution was to worry less, aka. not let small things get to him. I never followed up on how the Resolution went for Dick, but I think using this simple question can really facilitate becoming less frustrated/stressed about stupid shit that doesn't matter.

Let's say you're stuck in Cairo traffic. It can be fucking brutal (per Safari), annoying and frustrating. But, does it have a direct impact on you, or is it temporary? Will it have substance a year from now? If the answer is no, well, then maybe you don't need to let it get to you.

Another situation: you're making dinner and you burn the garlic. I've been there, and it's pretty easy to get mad; you've ruined perfectly good garlic, disrupted your cooking rhythm and your kitchen probably got smoked. But will this matter a year from now?

If there are things that will matter a year from now, then fine, maybe you are allowed to be mad, frustrated or stressed. But there are a lot of things that aren't. The exercise of asking "Will this matter a year from now?" has worked for me so far; it has allowed me to quantify things that don't matter. I've always tried to worry less, but it has never worked well because it is in my nature to over-think, which leads to remembering every small detail. I'm all about efficiency too, so when something doesn't quite work out I get pissed that I wasted valuable time. 

Maybe you select-GM's aren't as effed in the head as me, and small things don't get to you. If that's the case, I applaud your strength. However, if some of you experience the same things as Mr. Fucking Randy, I urge you to give this a try. Learn to think big picture, and let go of things that don't matter.

"Life is too short to be mad about traffic and garlic," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK15 - Hey Now, You're an All-Star

Oh, 1999... where have the good times gone?

WK15 marked the NHL All-Star break, so this week's statistics report won't include the usual Super-Saturday point accumulations. But don't worry; there's much to report outside the world of statistics; I feel that I've been too focused on stats lately anyway so this will be a good change of pace.

That being said, let's get the stats out of the way first. Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still leads Tri-Hard!, but this week's top bread earner is Tree Bone, banking 88.00 fantasy points.

"Yes!" said Tree Bone. "Or to quote Burgs, 'Jeah!'"

"Don't! Don't use my word!" cried Burgundy.

It is Tree Bone's first time being the top point-getter since WK1. She can thank Claude Giroux and Logan Couture; both picked up a pair of goals this week.

There weren't any changes in the rankings this week. Sitch has now extended his streak at number one to six weeks, with Burgundy still on his tail.

"Tail? Don't you mean 'TAE-L'?" smirked Burgundy.

"GFY," said Sitch.

The League average PPGP remained the same at 3.36, but I'm happy to report that Tree Bone was this week's most improved PPGP performer; she was able to add 0.06 PPGP this week, bringing her statistic to 3.14 (previously 3.07).

"Jeah! Jeah! Jeah!" cheered Tree Bone, mocking the increasingly furious Burgundy.

She was the only select-GM to increase her PPGP over the week. All other select-GM's saw their PPGP decrease anywhere between -0.01 to -0.03.

There weren't any big changes in the rainbow, but Sitch's goal production seems to be dipping; his shot % has decreased and is now second worst in the League.

"I don't care about that statistic," said Sitch. "FYI when I draft players, shots on goal is one of my top filters. I want more pucks to the net. More pucks, more goals, more rebounds. What wins championships? Shot % or goals? 'Nuf said, BRAH!"

Thanks for the insight, Sitch. Anyway, aside from the weekly statistics, there was a little movement in the League last week; most notably, the drop of Phil Kessel by Burgundy. Kessel, ranked 15th by Yahoo! prior to the draft, was picked 22nd overall (Round 5) in Tri-Hard! by Burgundy. It's a big drop, especially if you ask Pierre McGuire.

Adds McGuire: Oh, what a move it was! It shook me like a Double Dion! The Leafs have really struggled as of late, now finding themselves out of the playoff picture. Kessel hasn't been himself during this bad stretch, bringing in a measly 1.80 fantasy points over the last 14 days. Is he the $8 million dollar player the Leafs were hoping he would be? What a monster mistake!

... Wow.

"I had to let him go," said Burgundy, in a press conference held earlier this week. "He's been such a burden on me, giving my moustache grey hairs. If he turns it around, well, good for him. But as of right now I'm looking to chase for top spot in Tri-Hard!, and I don't think he will be part of my effort."

Sitch, known for picking up discarded trash, contemplated the pick up but decided against it.

"I just hate the Leafs," said Sitch. "Logically, I believe Kessel will rebound, based on the ebbs and flows ---"

"FUCK why is everyone stealing my lines?!" cried Burgundy.

"I guess our PromptApp is faster than yours," snickered Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

Next Question with Ron Burgundy

The fifth instalment of this year's Next Question involves last year's "should have been" fifth place finisher, Ron Burgundy. I say "should have been" because in my opinion Burgundy had the worst luck last year inside Randy's V. He should have been allotted the first overall selection for Tri-Hard!, but that was snatched away by Dick Burns, who decided to fall in love instead of paying attention to the V.

"It was win-win," said Dick Burns.

"Go ahead. Ask me anything."

Good evening, Ron Burgundy.

And good evening to you, San Diego!

... What?

Oh wait, sorry. Good evening, Commissioner Randy. Sorry, I'm so used to saying "Good evening, San Diego!"

That's alright. I admire a man with a successful career like yourself. How are you?

I've been well, thank you. Always a bit of an adjustment going back to work in the New Year, but I'm managing. Us MPAs, we're the elites of society, so we need to lead by example when starting off the year. I'm hoping that the rest of the general public can keep up with my competitive work style.

Sounds impressive, Ronald. You've been having quite a successful year then, both on and off the ice?

Most definitely. As you mentioned in GM's Quarterly II, I have become an EoX with my successful employment(s) and fashion passion. The last six months have been particularly good to me, so it's been a success.

Please, share your successes.

Well, landing a job was sick. That was a 'Pleasure Town'-like sensation.

You mean, this kind of job?

If you haven't watched this movie, you haven't become my friend yet.

No! God no, Commissioner Randy! I mean a real job! A real, MPA-worthy job. During 2014, I had been applying to many (so fucking many) jobs and I was able to get two offers. After debating it I decided to go with contract work. Money's coming in, my consumer discretionary spending is up and my awesome-ness is going through the roof!

I heard you had to take up a little business and accounting knowledge. Similar to Sitch, no?

Jeah, I had to pick up a little of that stuff. "Reconcile this... debit/credit that, break-even analysis, costing, forecasting..." Nothing an MPA can't handle! Sorry Sitch, but it looks like I can do your job, with a fraction of the training! Jeah!

Sounds a bit harsh, Burgundy.

This is Tri-Hard!, Commissioner Randy. No friends in this League. (looks down, wipes off a smudge mark on dress shoe)

I must say, Burgundy, your shoes are looking fantastic.

Thank you! I'm upping my game, Commissioner Randy. It's all things classy for Ronald Burgundy. I'm a gentlemen for all seasons, so I take my fashion quite seriously. I've added the use of shoe trees to my repertoire this year; it's been a clutch addition.

The results speak for themselves. So tell me: how are you liking Tri-Hard! so far?

I gotta tell you, at the beginning of the season I was wrecked. Spending the first month and a bit at the bottom of Tri-Hard! is something I wouldn't wish upon any select-GM. Other than my Crosbone, all my roster players seemed to have a tough time turning on their A-game. But with a few roster moves and patience, I've been able to weather the storm. Tri-Hard! has been challenging, like all other previous seasons, but I'm satisfied with the progress.

You're currently in second. Think you can climb to the top?

It's possible, but again, challenging. That fucking Sitch; can't believe he's leading the League again. Where the fuck is the ebb and flow for him, eh?! His production rate has been off the charts and he's getting balanced scoring from all areas. The climb to the top is steep, but with my Crosbone and company, I think dethroning that meat head is possible. I am, after all, used to working hard.

#WerkBitch

Nice form, Burgundy. Sitch would be jealous. So, what's in store for Ron Burgundy going forward, Tri-Hard! and otherwise?

I can confirm that the select-GM's will in fact be meeting in Toronto at the end of January. The gathering was spawned by Safari making a trip back to the homeland, so all select-GM's thought it would be a good time to gather for some catch (phrase) up. Aside from that, I'll be getting some vacation time with my new employment, so that's something else I could consider in the coming months. Who knows? The sky is the limit for Ronald Burgundy?

I think you mean "!"

Oh yes. Yes that's what I meant.

Thank you for your time, Burgundy.

Good day to you. (looks down at shoes, smiles and walks off)

WK14 - Buffed Up

"Hey Sitch!" said Byfuglien.

Who says offense needs to come from forwards?

Dustin Byfuglien (drafted in Round 5 by Sitch) has blossomed since being moved back to defense. For the greater portion of the first half of the season, Byfuglien was playing as a RW; though his point production was decent, it wasn't nearly as good as it has been in the last few weeks. In fact, Byfuglien was this week's second top player point producer (25.60 points), second to Tomas Tatar (free agent).

"What about my Crosbone?!" said Burgundy. "How's he doing?!"

He's doing just fine, my dear Burgundy. The media seemed to bombard C-bone with concern after he had only scored a handful of goals over the last 20+ games, but he hit the back of the net three times this week. Plus he's been a play-making machine all season long, so there wasn't anything to worry about.

Let's look at the charts, courtesy of the stats machine. The Pierres will join once again to provide the colour commentary.

Adds McGuire: Sitch was this week's top bread earner, bringing in 214.10 points, well ahead of the League average of 152.74. He's now been the top bread earner for three weeks, and his lead over second-place Burgundy has gapped just over 100 points. As previously mentioned, Byfuglien has been a force for Sitch this week, but Sitch also got well-rounded scoring from Andrew Ladd, Steven Stamkos and Nicklas Backstrom, all banking 17+ fantasy points over the week.

Adds LeBrun: How about that trade made between Dick Burns and Burgundy, which moved Kyle Okposo and Braden Holtby to Team DB? Okposo tallied five goals this week, helping Dick bring home 147.60 fantasy points, which was the second-most points banked by a select-GM this week. Holtby booked two wins and brought in 22.50 fantasy points for Dick Burns. Not to shabby!

Adds McGuire: There were no changes in the standings this week, but something tells me we're on the cusp of crazy movement soon. The changes in rankings is going to be more drastic than the change between my radio voice vs. television voice!

Adds LeBrun: I second that, McGuire! Let's check out the PPGP to get some more colour.

Adds McGuire: Sitch continues the lead in PPGP; he bettered his PPGP to 3.72 (previously 3.65). Safari (3.27), Dick Burns (3.40) and Burgundy (3.37) are all within close range of each other though, potentially setting up for huge ranking changes in the coming weeks. After spending a few weeks under the radar, Dick Burns has emerged as having the second-best PPGP. Can you believe it?!

Adds LeBrun: To quote you, McGuire, "Yes! I can!" Dick has received great performances recently from Holtby (as previously mentioned), as well as the resurgence of Semyon Varlamov and the Avalanche. His goalies have been able to steadily bring up his PPGP; should the season play out the way it currently looks, Dick could be challenging for top spot. Don't let his current ranking fool you!

Adds McGuire: One word: green.

Adds LeBrun: Agreed.

Thank you, McGuire and LeBrun, for your professional commentary. I hope your premonition of crazy movement in the rankings proves to be correct. 

Aside, the rumour-mill has been spinning and inside sources are saying that all select-GM's are going to meet at the end of January. While the details cannot be confirmed at this time, CSIS agents have identified that Safari has booked a ticket to Toronto and will be landing within a few weeks. Given that all select-GM's will be on the same soil, the probability that they will meet up seems high.

"Who says I'll be there?" said Dick Burns. "Maybe I"ll send one of my doppelgängers."

I guess we'll have to wait and see. Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- the Fucking Randy

GM's Quarterly II

And just like that, Tri-Hard! is half over. The sheet of ice has been cut, carved and skated on; who will be there to write the ending?

"Sneezy Bear always hangs on, to the very end," said Dick Burns. "If you think I'm rolling over and hitting the hay, think again because Team DB is rock solid; don't even think about tossing me like a horse shoe."

"This is my year!" said Burgundy. "My Crosbone is healthy and my Citizen Kane is waking up. My team has no limit. Jeah!... wait, Jeah? No, that can't be right. Hang on --- (looks at PromptApp) Jeah!"

"I once puked twice in the same purse and still made it to a party," said Tree Bone. "Hence, I'm used to winning (and being supremely classy). Victory shall be mine!"

"Just don't finish second, just don't finish second," repeated Safari.

"Winner's never quit. And who was last year's winner?" asked Sitch, rhetorically.

The stats machine has spat out info for comparing the changes from Q1 to Q2. Here they are:

Let's dish out the awards.

GM OF THE QUARTER - SITCH
(Honourable mention: Burgundy)

Check out the spider bur hair.

He is the current situation, and he hasn't gone away for four weeks now. Sitch sits atop the rankings and is making a serious push towards a third consecutive title. He was the quarter's biggest earner, grabbing 969.15 fantasy points, ahead of second place Burgundy who took home 930.15 fantasy points. Over the quarter, Sitch averaged 3.85 PPGP, well-ahead of the League average of 3.32. He can thank second-round pick Tyler Seguin (26 G, 22 A) and free-agent pick up Vladimir Tarasenko (21 G, 23 A) for his player point accumulations. (FYI: Seguin and Tarasenko are two of the top three player point producers to date.)

In addition to having two of the top three players in the League, Sitch owns Pekka Rinne, who is the League's top goalie with 223.00 fantasy points.

Burgundy gets honourable mention as he did quite well for himself and moved up two spots in the Tri-Hard! rankings. He also averaged 3.50 PPGP himself; not too shabby for the MPA if you ask me.

BUTT-FUCKED OF THE QUARTER - AFRICAN LION SAFARI
(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

It was a tough quarter for Safari.

This was a toss up, but I decided to give this award to Safari as opposed to Tree Bone because Tree Bone's underperformance this quarter was mostly due to her being MIA; as a result, she's way behind in terms of games-played and has an opportunity in the back end ("Jeah! Back end!" said Burgundy) of the season to catch up. Safari, on the other hand, is pretty much on par with games-played and the results did not look so good.

Though he did bring in 818.85 fantasy points over the quarter, his PPGP was 3.08, well below the 3.48 he had through Q1. One of his biggest assets, Jonathan Quick, has not been a great performer this year; he has averaged 3.80 PPGP this season, which is low for goalies. His defense hasn't performed as anticipated either, and currently he does not possess a D-man who can average more than 3.00 PPGP.

Overall, his performance has been luke-warm, which was nothing like the beginning of the season, when he had Jeff Carter putting on a show, as well as all his goalies outperforming. Can you say ebbs and flows?

"That's my line!" screeched Burgundy.

SCOUT OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI
(Honourable mention: Sitch)

Detective Safari, esquire.

Even though Safari was deemed Butt-Fucked of the Quarter, I must commend him for two things: (1) picking up Jakub Voracek as a free agent, and (2) sticking with Alex Ovechkin as his keeper. If someone were to have told me that Alex Ovechkin would be leading all players in terms of Yahoo! fantasy points at the mid-season mark, I would have been skeptical. I would have even bet against it. But Ovechkin has quietly (if I can even say that) had a strong season after a slow start; he tops Tri-Hard! with 194.20 fantasy points. While we may not see 60+ goals from Ovechkin, as we saw him do in 2007-2008, his production thus far is nothing short of spectacular.

Sitch gets honourable mention for this award for picking up Tarasenko (free agent) and Rinne (Round 11).

EoX OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: Sitch)

It's all coming together now...

EoX, a.k.a. Example of Excellence.

"Ohhhhhh," said all select-GMs, in unison.

Burgundy gets the nod for being this quarter's EoX due to many factors. For one, he's become such an astronomical G, parading his MPA around the GTA like he doesn't give a fuck. For his efforts, he was awarded handfuls of interviews and job offers. His talents were so sought after by recruiters that he had to choose between multiple job offers, ultimately choosing contract work for Toronto 2015.

The boost in Burgundy's professional life has also transformed him into fashion aficionado; he now sports a smexy Beckham-like hairstyle, as well as GQ-esque footwear, complete with 100% cedar shoe trees. And, rumour has it he's looking into moving into a bigger space to accommodate his increasingly excellent and classy lifestyle.

That hair...

Sitch get's honourable mention as he also had an excellent quarter, but his hairstyle hasn't changed since grade 7 so he fell short.

"Balls!" crunched Sitch.

Until next quarter, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy

WK13 - Die a Hero, or...

Wise words, Mr. Nolan.

I will always make references to the Dark Knight Trilogy each year; I can't help it. Most of the time I'll bring up themes or ideas from the Dark Knight movie, but I am working on expanding my referencing in order to give the Trilogy it's full respect.

"I'm cool with the Dark Knight references," said Burgundy. "That Joker/Batman interrogation scene was mind-blowing; possibly one of the greatest movie scenes I've ever seen --- Except for my glass case of emotion scene in Anchorman. That might be slightly better."

"Don't talk like one of them, you're not. Even if you'd like to be.
To them, you're a freak. Like me. They just need you now.
But as soon as they don't they'll cast you out. Like a leper."

I'm not sure I agree, but both scenes are classics. But why am I bringing up the reference today? Well, over the holiday break (seems like ages ago now, eh?) I was privileged to have spent extended time with Burgundy and Sitch, both of whom remained relatively stagnant over Christmas. Dick Burns and Tree Bone were out and about, hopping around from city to city so their time was limited. Anyway, the subject of great movie quotes came up and we shared our favourites. A few from our list include:

Spoken by Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting (1997)

"Mediocrities everywhere - I absolve you."
Spoken by Salieri, Amadeus (1984)

Spoken by Vito Corleone, The Godfather (1972)

Spoken by Michael Corleone, The Godfather Part II (1974)

If any of you haven't seen the following movies, you are a disgrace to society and I recommend you do yourself a favour and watch them now. NOW! (Especially Amadeus, but that's just because I love that movie to no end.)

"I would also like to add," said Dick Burns, "That the Mission is also a fantastic movie and I highly recommend all select-GM's to watch that."

With WK13 having the 'unlucky 13' associated with it, I thought it would be of interest to investigate the Dark Knight quote/concept. While it may not be an easy quote to remember like the ones listed above, the concept is genius and I see it happening all the time. In the world of professional sports, it rings especially true: look at reputation of Eugene Melnyk, LeBron James, Brian Burke, Dany Heatley, etc. All were juggernaut heroes at one point before being deemed the villain.

"I don't like where this is going," said Sitch.

Can we say the same is happening for Sitch? Arguably the most annoying, loud, meat-filled (I'm talking in the head, not in the bone-zone), obnoxious and unintelligent, he's been crowned Champion for two straight years and is successfully gunning (or crunching?) for a third title. While every select-GM could be considered a hero or a villain, has the target become so enormous on Sitch's meaty back that he's become the most hated man in the Randy Leagues?

"Yes, I can agree to that," said Burgundy, raising is glass full of scotch.

Let's get into the week's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine, before we start throwing our drinks.

Sitch was this week's top bread earner, banking 161.80 fantasy points. Burgundy was a close second with 157.10 fantasy points. Safari misfired this week, ending with a League-low 78.45 fantasy points.

"I was poached," said Safari.

"Pun!" applauded Dick.

With the sizeable point accumulation from Burgundy, he's been able to retake second position, leaping over Safari. Sitch still remains atop the rankings, and has tied Safari for most consecutive weeks at number one (four weeks in a row).

Sitch still leads PPGP, and increased his PPGP from 3.62 to 3.65, mostly due to good goaltending stats he earned this week. Burgundy was able to increase his PPGP as well, from 3.38 to 3.41, and is now second overall in PPGP. Dick Burns's PPGP is equal to the League average of 3.35, whereas Safari has dipped below the League average and now clocks in at 3.29. Tree Bone's PPGP has dropped to 3.05.

Adds McGuire: The separation is the goalie stats. Look at Sitch's win %. Over 70%? Are you kidding me? When has this ever happened? Anything over 60% is considered high in my books, let alone 70%. It's the result of drafting Crawford who's been solid on a strong Blackhawks team, as well as Rinne who is having a renaissance year with the Predators.

"He's not a villain in my books," said Safari. "Hate the game, not the player. Or in this case, hate the pool, not the select-GM. We've all had equal opportunity and he hasn't done anything illegal, other than the occasional disturbance of the peace (i.e. going shirtless)."

"You can't hate the guy!" said Tree Bone. "He just got engaged! Who can hate a guy who just got engaged?"

"I hate him! I hate him!" cried Burgundy. "Sitch, I hate you more than you hate shirtless bro's loitering in public!"

"Just look at it this way, Burgs," said Dick. "It'll make dethroning him all the sweeter."

Wise words, Dick. Happy WK13 everyone.

PS - GM's Quarterly II coming soon...

Special Engagements

Time for the biggest news of the year so far.

"Wait what? But I haven't broken my ThunderCrunch record yet!" screeched Sitch. "You're not giving me enough time to warm up!"

No Sitch, I'm not talking about your crunches, and I never will. But this post does have to do with you. Over the holiday break, Tri-Hard! was pleased to hear that Sitch and Tree Bone both got engaged.

"My god, this group is dropping like flies!" said Dick Burns.

Indeed, Sir Dick. I don't understand why everyone is so eager to take the plunge, either; Safari was the first to do it in 2012 and now Sitch and Tree Bone have done it two years later. Do you guys (and girl) not realize how awesome it is to be single, like yours truly? I guess not everyone embraces single-life like Mr. Fucking Randy. Oh well. Why should I complain? The more engagements and marriages, the more sweaty, sticky and satisfying nights for me. I can't complain.

Just another Thursday night for Commissioner Randy. #winning

Aside, I am supremely happy for both of you, Sitch and Tree Bone. True love is a hard thing to find for many, but I feel that you both are examples of excellence when it comes to finding the right love. Sitch, just a few years ago you were constantly paranoid about never finding the right person, but look at you now; you have found someone that will be your gym buddy for life. And Tree Bone, who would have ever thought that you'd get such a fine --- 

"Young man?!" interrupted Pierre McGuire.

No Pierre, I was going to say 'fine bother'.

"... Oh," said Pierre McGuire.

I know, uber cheesy, but I do mean it from the bottom of my poutine-clogged heart. Congratulations to you both.

"For the record," said Burgundy, "I knew about Sitch's engagement. I didn't know when he was going to do it exactly, but I knew that it was coming. He used me as a decoy to get away from Ms. Sitch and go ring shopping. I felt so violated!"

"You're blowing me off to go ring shopping?!"

'WTF Burgs? I didn't blow you off! I hung out with you, brah! We went to the Brewery after looking at rings and hung out with Dick!" retorted Sitch.

"... Oh yeah..." said Burgundy.

Sitch proposed on the morning of Christmas Day, and while the general public may have thought he was the first to get engaged over the holiday break, it was actually Tree Bone who was engaged a few days earlier at a secret Tim Horton's location along the 401.

"I wanted to tell everyone, I really did," said Tree Bone, admiring her massive rock (and I'm not talking about the engagement ring). "But we wanted to make sure that family members would be the first to know, so I had to keep it a secret for a little while. Sorry boys!"

"I'm not surprised she didn't tell us," said Dick Burns, non-nonchalantly. "Tree Bone's been getting her doses of massive rocks for quite some time; it's nothing new."

Wise words, Dick.

Again, congratulations to you both!

Insider Trading with the Panel

I hate doing this, but I had to.

"Do what exactly, Mr. Fucking Randy?" asked Sitch, protein bar in hand.

I had to outsource some of my reporting. With all the news that has poured in since the holiday break, I've got my finger tips in a panic, tapping my keyboard faster than Stevie Wonder himself. I've got a handful of other reports on the go all waiting to published, so I figure it's best that I continue working on them and hand off trade analytics to the pros. Gentlemen and lady, I give you the TSN panel, consisting of girth-tongued Bob McKenzie, CBC-traitor Pierre LeBrun and, of course, the-ever-so-monstrous Pierre McGuire. Here. We. Go!

#DatHairDoe

THE POPPED-CHERRY TRADE

Datsyuk traded to Dick Burns

Kopitar traded to African Lion Safari

Adds McGuire: Woo! The popped-cherry trade! It's great to have the first trade completed for the year! Given that Kopitar had been underperforming leading up to the trade, I'm going to give the edge to African Lion Safari; he bought Kopitar low, and I think the law of averages will pan out. And, he didn't give up much (Datsyuk was picked up as a free agent). Kopitar will regain his scoring touch and have a strong second half. He's also playing on a strong Los Angeles team; this is a no brainer!

Adds LeBrun: I'll respectfully disagree, McGuire. Datsyuk is one of the hardest players to play against, not to mention one of the most gifted and skilled. He's showing that age isn't a factor this season as he continues to score consistently while defending well. Players have their off years, and Kopitar may be having one. Dick Burns cut the fat and added some man meat. I say Dick got the better deal.

Adds McKenzie: Boy-oh-boy I guess I get the final vote. Personally, I have to go with Gretzky, who said that Kopitar is right behind Toews and Crosby. Datsyuk is older and plays on a weaker team; therefore, I think the scoring potential for Kopitar is higher. I say Safari gets the win, especially since he acquired Kopitar in exchange for a free agent pick up.

Winner: Safari (2-1)

Yup, Safari wins.

THE DENNY'S SAMPLER TRADE

The broccoli was a nice touch.

Just a FYI, for those curious.

Okposo, Holtby and Round 3 draft pick traded to Dick Burns

Burns and Round 5 pick traded to Ron Burgundy

Adds McGuire: Should we even be surprised? Dick Burns LOVES blockbuster deals. This one may have not included high-profile players like the previous trade, but it's pretty heavy (like a Denny's Sampler) nonetheless. For me, the players involved in the trade were pretty fair. The major get is the third round draft pick by Dick Burns. That's a monster steal in my opinion!

Adds LeBrun: I agree. Okposo's output is similar to Burns and Holtby provides some much needed goalie support for Team DB. Plus, Dick gets a third round pick next year. Advantage: Dick.

Adds McKenzie: Boy-oh-boy what a trade! I'm going to complete the sweep and say Dick got the better deal, though I do think that Burgundy got some added flexibility here. These two teams have slightly different motives; Dick may have 'rebuild' in mind even though he's still very much in the race, but Burgundy is definitely chasing for top spot. Burgundy gets a versatile Burns who can play either forward or defense and has been a solid point getter. Plus, he lightens his roster size so he can potentially add more players later. Dick wins, but the strategy Burgundy executed is sound.

Winner: Dick Burns (3-0)

Thank you Panel. Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- Mr. Fucking Randy

Next Question with Tree Bone

The fourth instalment of Next Question focuses on last year's third place finisher, Tree Bone. I caught up with Tree Bone earlier this month at a top secret Tim Horton's location along the 401. For security reasons, I cannot disclose this location. This mysterious location rivals that of Dick Burns's whereabouts, circa upper body injury years (extra concussion), where he was so MIA that a premature obituary was drafted by yours truly.

"I... don't recall that period at all," said Dick Burns, rubbing his noodle.

It's okay, Dick Burns. You were concussed. You are forgiven. Now, let's get to Ms. Tree Bone.

Hello Tree Bone.

Heya Commissioner!

It's been such a long time.

Yes, it definitely has! Crazy, isn't it?! I can't believe how long it's been.

How are things?

Amazing! Hectic, but amazing! Up until late December, I was out abroad, travelling the world with the Pride Rock, attending the most prestigious parties (extra cocaine), participating in all day drinking socials, getting supreme usage out of my purses (and panties) as well as educating kiddos. It's been a thrilling year, truly.

I definitely want to get into more detail for each of those things. But first, how are you liking Tri-Hard! so far?

What's Tri-Hard!?

... Alright then. Let's move on to other things then. 

Cheerio!

What's this we've been hearing about you getting involved with drugs?

"Next Question."

Oh, that was nothing! I was just on one of my friendly outings, being happy-go-lucky with some locals, all PG, no Rex-rated stuff. Some kewl people asked me to join them for a fun party on their flat so I said yes. Then when I got there I noticed that they were doing drugs! It was a bit awkward, but I'm not one to judge, so I just kindly excused myself and had a super-sober-fun-time!

You didn't engage in any drug use yourself?

I was extra anti-Whitney Houston.

Good on you. Now, what's this about getting good use out of your purses?

... Next question.

I'll ask it again. What's this about getting good use out of your purses?

Oh come on, Commissioner, do I have to?

Yes.

(sighs) Okay okay. So, a few months ago I was out with some friends in England. In England, social events pretty much start at noon and last at least 12 hours; this also means that most people drink for at least 12 hours straight. I was going to be at an engagement party the following day so I didn't want to drink too much.

Was that the case?

Well... not exactly. I can't remember the details exactly, but somehow I got supremely drunk, went home, passed out and tried to get enough sleep for the engagement party the next day.

Artist's conception.

And did you?

... It was a good attempt. You see, the next morning I woke up and felt so sick. I really didn't think I could go to the engagement party. But, my Pride Rock was MC'ing the event, and the couple was expecting us to be there, so I had to bone up and go. My Pride Rock was pretty adamant on attending.

Well, he did have a significant role in the engagement party. So what happened next?

I boned up. I waited until the last possible moment to get out of bed, tried to do my hair and make-up, reached for my trusty lady purse and headed out. We hopped into a cab and headed for the train station.

... Go on.

I need to say something before I go any further: the roads in England are so windy. If you looked from a bird's eye view, I swear the transit grid would look like a spaghetti bowl. So because of this, the cab ride was insanely nauseating.

Per Tree Bone's recollection, though this may be a tad exaggerated.

Are you sure it wasn't just that you were hung over?

Maybe... but still, the roads were bad. I got supreme motion sickness and had to vom. So instead of asking for the cab to pull over, I reached for the purse and ---

That's disgusting.

Oh come on, Commissioner! It was quick thinking on my part!

What did the cab driver say?

Nothing. He didn't know. I was quick like a cat; a stealth puker, if you will. One of my gifts!

That's pretty insane.

I see. And what did you do with the purse?

Well, I love all my purses, so I kept it, naturally. And good thing I did too! See, my Pride Rock was such a gentleman and washed it out for me when we got to the train station. Then, once we got on the train I started feeling a but nauseous again. I guess England's train tracks are just as windy as the roads.

Probably not, Tree Bone. But go on.

I puked again. On the train. In my purse. There was a bathroom right next to me, but I felt more comfortable doing it in the purse. It's just a girl thang, you know?!

I don't, but I'll let it go. Did your Pride Rock wash the purse for you again too?

No, this time he was fed up, and rightly so. I washed it out. After that second puking, I was done. I attended the engagement party and didn't do a thing. I was pretty much a super Mormon.

Was it all worth it?

You're goddamn right!

So now everyone knows to never touch your purse. It's a good security feature, if you ask me.

That's what I'm talking about!

Now what about educating kiddos? How was that?

It was eye-opening, Commissioner Randy. I love working with people; it's one of my greatest passions. While I was over in England, I worked in schools that were pretty close to the projects. I got to see how difficult it can be for some children out there. It really made me appreciate what I have in life. In my opinion, I, as well as all the other select-GM's, won the ovarian lottery in the sense that we were brought up in a great country, with a supportive family and started our lives with a VERY generous head start. There is nothing more we could have or should have asked for. We are fortunate to be where we are in life; we're healthy, we're educated and we're civilized. This is not universal.

How wise of you, Tree Bone. Let's leave it here, shall we?

That sounds great Commissioner. That... sounds... OMG I'm gonna ---

#Classy

WK12 - Welcome Back, Bitches!

Wassaaaaap?!

Holy fuck! What the hell happened?!

With so little happening leading up to the holidays, Commissioner Randy decided to go MIA for the entire break; it's not like there were lingering items or League rumours that required follow up, OR SO I THOUGHT. I left my mahogany desk ("Jeah!" jumped Burgundy) neat, tidy and squared away, only to return to it with messages, trade transactions and other engaging documents.

"Excellent pun, Commissioner Randy," said a cozy, snugly sneezy bear (aka. Dick Burns).

"What the... why sneezy bear?" asked all other select-GMs.

Sorry folks; Commissioner Randy cannot divulge that answer. You'll have to ask Dick Burns that question personally.

Due to the number of engaging, fascinating stories that surfaced over the break, I will break up these stories into separate posts as opposed to trying to #HAM it all out at once. As a particular select-GM always says, it's always better for one to pace themselves; after all, running this League ain't no BPC.

"Damn straight, Commissioner Randy!" shouted Sitch.

(For those of you who don't know what BPC stands for  - I'm looking at you, Tree Bone -  BPC stands for Bench Press Contest.)

"... What is this place?" said Tree Bone, looking around.

Sigh... It's the fucking Randy Report, Tree Bone! It's been running for years! God damn it! Put down that filthy purse and get with the program! Anyways, this post will be purely a weekly statistics report. WK12 actually covers two weeks of activity, but because I was MIA during the holiday I will simply lump the last 14 days into one report. Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch was the top point getter over the last 14 days, bringing in 281.00 fantasy points. He can thank his defensive pairings in Shea Weber and Dustin Byfuglien, both who have been consistent producers over that span, as well as goalie tandem Henrik Lundqvist and Frederik Andersen who booked eight wins combined. Safari, who was second-best, took in 257.95 fantasy points, supported by Alex Ovechkin who has been on a tear lately (4 G, 3 A).

There have been no changes in rankings for the last two weeks.

"Damn straight," flexed Sitch.

Sitch still holds top spot in PPGP with 3.62, though that is down from 3.64 from two weeks ago. Safari (3.33), Burgs (3.38) and Dick (3.37) are all within striking distance, though Tree Bone (3.06) is in danger of falling below 3.00 PPGP.

Not much has changed in the rainbow, but over the last two weeks Burgundy and Dick Burns have been able to better their goalie statistics. If they can manage to find more wins, both Burgundy and Dick Burns could challenge Sitch for top goalie statistics.

"What's going on with your goalie stats, Tree Bone?" asked Burgundy. "Why don't you pick up another tender and play a little more? Come on, loosen the purse strings why don't ya?!"

"... Please," said a nauseous Tree Bone, "don't mention purse."

Bridesmaids, for the win.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- Morpheus Randy