WK12 - Welcome Back, Bitches!

Wassaaaaap?!

Holy fuck! What the hell happened?!

With so little happening leading up to the holidays, Commissioner Randy decided to go MIA for the entire break; it's not like there were lingering items or League rumours that required follow up, OR SO I THOUGHT. I left my mahogany desk ("Jeah!" jumped Burgundy) neat, tidy and squared away, only to return to it with messages, trade transactions and other engaging documents.

"Excellent pun, Commissioner Randy," said a cozy, snugly sneezy bear (aka. Dick Burns).

"What the... why sneezy bear?" asked all other select-GMs.

Sorry folks; Commissioner Randy cannot divulge that answer. You'll have to ask Dick Burns that question personally.

Due to the number of engaging, fascinating stories that surfaced over the break, I will break up these stories into separate posts as opposed to trying to #HAM it all out at once. As a particular select-GM always says, it's always better for one to pace themselves; after all, running this League ain't no BPC.

"Damn straight, Commissioner Randy!" shouted Sitch.

(For those of you who don't know what BPC stands for  - I'm looking at you, Tree Bone -  BPC stands for Bench Press Contest.)

"... What is this place?" said Tree Bone, looking around.

Sigh... It's the fucking Randy Report, Tree Bone! It's been running for years! God damn it! Put down that filthy purse and get with the program! Anyways, this post will be purely a weekly statistics report. WK12 actually covers two weeks of activity, but because I was MIA during the holiday I will simply lump the last 14 days into one report. Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch was the top point getter over the last 14 days, bringing in 281.00 fantasy points. He can thank his defensive pairings in Shea Weber and Dustin Byfuglien, both who have been consistent producers over that span, as well as goalie tandem Henrik Lundqvist and Frederik Andersen who booked eight wins combined. Safari, who was second-best, took in 257.95 fantasy points, supported by Alex Ovechkin who has been on a tear lately (4 G, 3 A).

There have been no changes in rankings for the last two weeks.

"Damn straight," flexed Sitch.

Sitch still holds top spot in PPGP with 3.62, though that is down from 3.64 from two weeks ago. Safari (3.33), Burgs (3.38) and Dick (3.37) are all within striking distance, though Tree Bone (3.06) is in danger of falling below 3.00 PPGP.

Not much has changed in the rainbow, but over the last two weeks Burgundy and Dick Burns have been able to better their goalie statistics. If they can manage to find more wins, both Burgundy and Dick Burns could challenge Sitch for top goalie statistics.

"What's going on with your goalie stats, Tree Bone?" asked Burgundy. "Why don't you pick up another tender and play a little more? Come on, loosen the purse strings why don't ya?!"

"... Please," said a nauseous Tree Bone, "don't mention purse."

Bridesmaids, for the win.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- Morpheus Randy