The fourth instalment of Next Question focuses on last year's third place finisher, Tree Bone. I caught up with Tree Bone earlier this month at a top secret Tim Horton's location along the 401. For security reasons, I cannot disclose this location. This mysterious location rivals that of Dick Burns's whereabouts, circa upper body injury years (extra concussion), where he was so MIA that a premature obituary was drafted by yours truly.
"I... don't recall that period at all," said Dick Burns, rubbing his noodle.
It's okay, Dick Burns. You were concussed. You are forgiven. Now, let's get to Ms. Tree Bone.
Hello Tree Bone.
Heya Commissioner!
It's been such a long time.
Yes, it definitely has! Crazy, isn't it?! I can't believe how long it's been.
How are things?
Amazing! Hectic, but amazing! Up until late December, I was out abroad, travelling the world with the Pride Rock, attending the most prestigious parties (extra cocaine), participating in all day drinking socials, getting supreme usage out of my purses (and panties) as well as educating kiddos. It's been a thrilling year, truly.
Hello Tree Bone.
Heya Commissioner!
It's been such a long time.
Yes, it definitely has! Crazy, isn't it?! I can't believe how long it's been.
How are things?
Amazing! Hectic, but amazing! Up until late December, I was out abroad, travelling the world with the Pride Rock, attending the most prestigious parties (extra cocaine), participating in all day drinking socials, getting supreme usage out of my purses (and panties) as well as educating kiddos. It's been a thrilling year, truly.
I definitely want to get into more detail for each of those things. But first, how are you liking Tri-Hard! so far?
What's Tri-Hard!?
... Alright then. Let's move on to other things then.
Cheerio!
What's this we've been hearing about you getting involved with drugs?
Oh, that was nothing! I was just on one of my friendly outings, being happy-go-lucky with some locals, all PG, no Rex-rated stuff. Some kewl people asked me to join them for a fun party on their flat so I said yes. Then when I got there I noticed that they were doing drugs! It was a bit awkward, but I'm not one to judge, so I just kindly excused myself and had a super-sober-fun-time!
You didn't engage in any drug use yourself?
I was extra anti-Whitney Houston.
Good on you. Now, what's this about getting good use out of your purses?
... Next question.
I'll ask it again. What's this about getting good use out of your purses?
Oh come on, Commissioner, do I have to?
Yes.
(sighs) Okay okay. So, a few months ago I was out with some friends in England. In England, social events pretty much start at noon and last at least 12 hours; this also means that most people drink for at least 12 hours straight. I was going to be at an engagement party the following day so I didn't want to drink too much.
Was that the case?
Well... not exactly. I can't remember the details exactly, but somehow I got supremely drunk, went home, passed out and tried to get enough sleep for the engagement party the next day.
And did you?
... It was a good attempt. You see, the next morning I woke up and felt so sick. I really didn't think I could go to the engagement party. But, my Pride Rock was MC'ing the event, and the couple was expecting us to be there, so I had to bone up and go. My Pride Rock was pretty adamant on attending.
Well, he did have a significant role in the engagement party. So what happened next?
I boned up. I waited until the last possible moment to get out of bed, tried to do my hair and make-up, reached for my trusty lady purse and headed out. We hopped into a cab and headed for the train station.
... Go on.
I need to say something before I go any further: the roads in England are so windy. If you looked from a bird's eye view, I swear the transit grid would look like a spaghetti bowl. So because of this, the cab ride was insanely nauseating.
Are you sure it wasn't just that you were hung over?
Maybe... but still, the roads were bad. I got supreme motion sickness and had to vom. So instead of asking for the cab to pull over, I reached for the purse and ---
That's disgusting.
Oh come on, Commissioner! It was quick thinking on my part!
What did the cab driver say?
Nothing. He didn't know. I was quick like a cat; a stealth puker, if you will. One of my gifts!
I see. And what did you do with the purse?
Well, I love all my purses, so I kept it, naturally. And good thing I did too! See, my Pride Rock was such a gentleman and washed it out for me when we got to the train station. Then, once we got on the train I started feeling a but nauseous again. I guess England's train tracks are just as windy as the roads.
Probably not, Tree Bone. But go on.
I puked again. On the train. In my purse. There was a bathroom right next to me, but I felt more comfortable doing it in the purse. It's just a girl thang, you know?!
I don't, but I'll let it go. Did your Pride Rock wash the purse for you again too?
No, this time he was fed up, and rightly so. I washed it out. After that second puking, I was done. I attended the engagement party and didn't do a thing. I was pretty much a super Mormon.
Was it all worth it?
You're goddamn right!
So now everyone knows to never touch your purse. It's a good security feature, if you ask me.
That's what I'm talking about!
Now what about educating kiddos? How was that?
It was eye-opening, Commissioner Randy. I love working with people; it's one of my greatest passions. While I was over in England, I worked in schools that were pretty close to the projects. I got to see how difficult it can be for some children out there. It really made me appreciate what I have in life. In my opinion, I, as well as all the other select-GM's, won the ovarian lottery in the sense that we were brought up in a great country, with a supportive family and started our lives with a VERY generous head start. There is nothing more we could have or should have asked for. We are fortunate to be where we are in life; we're healthy, we're educated and we're civilized. This is not universal.
How wise of you, Tree Bone. Let's leave it here, shall we?
That sounds great Commissioner. That... sounds... OMG I'm gonna ---
What's Tri-Hard!?
... Alright then. Let's move on to other things then.
Cheerio!
What's this we've been hearing about you getting involved with drugs?
 |
| "Next Question." |
Oh, that was nothing! I was just on one of my friendly outings, being happy-go-lucky with some locals, all PG, no Rex-rated stuff. Some kewl people asked me to join them for a fun party on their flat so I said yes. Then when I got there I noticed that they were doing drugs! It was a bit awkward, but I'm not one to judge, so I just kindly excused myself and had a super-sober-fun-time!
You didn't engage in any drug use yourself?
I was extra anti-Whitney Houston.
Good on you. Now, what's this about getting good use out of your purses?
... Next question.
I'll ask it again. What's this about getting good use out of your purses?
Oh come on, Commissioner, do I have to?
Yes.
(sighs) Okay okay. So, a few months ago I was out with some friends in England. In England, social events pretty much start at noon and last at least 12 hours; this also means that most people drink for at least 12 hours straight. I was going to be at an engagement party the following day so I didn't want to drink too much.
Was that the case?
Well... not exactly. I can't remember the details exactly, but somehow I got supremely drunk, went home, passed out and tried to get enough sleep for the engagement party the next day.
 |
| Artist's conception. |
And did you?
... It was a good attempt. You see, the next morning I woke up and felt so sick. I really didn't think I could go to the engagement party. But, my Pride Rock was MC'ing the event, and the couple was expecting us to be there, so I had to bone up and go. My Pride Rock was pretty adamant on attending.
Well, he did have a significant role in the engagement party. So what happened next?
I boned up. I waited until the last possible moment to get out of bed, tried to do my hair and make-up, reached for my trusty lady purse and headed out. We hopped into a cab and headed for the train station.
... Go on.
I need to say something before I go any further: the roads in England are so windy. If you looked from a bird's eye view, I swear the transit grid would look like a spaghetti bowl. So because of this, the cab ride was insanely nauseating.
 |
| Per Tree Bone's recollection, though this may be a tad exaggerated. |
Are you sure it wasn't just that you were hung over?
Maybe... but still, the roads were bad. I got supreme motion sickness and had to vom. So instead of asking for the cab to pull over, I reached for the purse and ---
That's disgusting.
Oh come on, Commissioner! It was quick thinking on my part!
What did the cab driver say?
Nothing. He didn't know. I was quick like a cat; a stealth puker, if you will. One of my gifts!
 |
| That's pretty insane. |
I see. And what did you do with the purse?
Well, I love all my purses, so I kept it, naturally. And good thing I did too! See, my Pride Rock was such a gentleman and washed it out for me when we got to the train station. Then, once we got on the train I started feeling a but nauseous again. I guess England's train tracks are just as windy as the roads.
Probably not, Tree Bone. But go on.
I puked again. On the train. In my purse. There was a bathroom right next to me, but I felt more comfortable doing it in the purse. It's just a girl thang, you know?!
I don't, but I'll let it go. Did your Pride Rock wash the purse for you again too?
No, this time he was fed up, and rightly so. I washed it out. After that second puking, I was done. I attended the engagement party and didn't do a thing. I was pretty much a super Mormon.
Was it all worth it?
You're goddamn right!
So now everyone knows to never touch your purse. It's a good security feature, if you ask me.
That's what I'm talking about!
Now what about educating kiddos? How was that?
It was eye-opening, Commissioner Randy. I love working with people; it's one of my greatest passions. While I was over in England, I worked in schools that were pretty close to the projects. I got to see how difficult it can be for some children out there. It really made me appreciate what I have in life. In my opinion, I, as well as all the other select-GM's, won the ovarian lottery in the sense that we were brought up in a great country, with a supportive family and started our lives with a VERY generous head start. There is nothing more we could have or should have asked for. We are fortunate to be where we are in life; we're healthy, we're educated and we're civilized. This is not universal.
How wise of you, Tree Bone. Let's leave it here, shall we?
That sounds great Commissioner. That... sounds... OMG I'm gonna ---
 |
| #Classy |
No comments:
Post a Comment