WK3 - Hear Me ROAR

Safari appears to be putting on a show. A real. Fucking. Show.

"Here me roar, bitches. Here me ROAR!" sang Safari, doing his best Katy Perry impression.

"Look at 'em chesties!" cheered Burgundy.

For the second consecutive week, Safari leads Tri-Hard!, showing no signs of slowing down. With continuing world-class performances from his roster, it appears his fellow select-GMs will need to put up phenomenal numbers going forward if they wish to catch him. The 'silver-backed Safari' moniker may soon be dropped, as he appears poised for gold this year.

Adds McGuire: It's still early, but Safari's success this season is absolutely insane. He leads in PPGP, he leads in total points and he's played the fewest games in Tri-Hard!, along with Burgundy (101 total GP). Safari's showing such tenacity! A truly special specimen!

(I'm having difficulty uploading the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. I apologize for this inconvenience; for now, I'll dive into the numbers without the charts.)

Like McGuire said, Safari is killing it in every category. What is interesting to note is that Tree Bone actually leads in PPGP earned by players; on average, she gets 3.75 PPGP from forwards and defensemen, closely followed by Safari at 3.73. What sets Safari apart from the competition is the goalie statistics; he's averaging 7.41 PPGP from goalies. Isn't that nuts?

Adds McGuire: It's sheer larceny, Commissioner Randy. Talk about highway robbery! Jonathan Quick and Darcy Kuemper continue to provide key saves, giving Safari key wins AND frequent shutouts. It's a win-win combination! El-Kabong!

El-Kabong? WTF Pierre? You're extra McGuire-charged today.

Aside from the stupendous results Safari is showcasing presently, the Fucking Randy looked at a few shortcomings thus far in Tri-Hard! Sitch and Burgundy, who were both projected to have strong showings in the player department, are actually struggling as of late. Burgundy's forwards and defensemen statistics are grossly relying on Crosbone, and even then he still only averages 3.07 PPGP from his players (a league-low). Sitch is not doing much better, clocking in second lowest with 3.17. Burgs appears to be doing something about it; he's made the most player transactions so far (15 as of today's date) and rumours have surfaced that he's looking to wheel'n'deal with select-GMs.

"I can neither deny or confirm that remark," said Sitch when asked whether he and Burgundy have been in trade talks. "I can confirm that I'm a physical phenomenon though."

I could care less about that, you protein-plum. I care about League matters, and whether or not we will see some exciting roster moves in the coming months. From what I've heard, Burgundy is going balls-out to claim the title from Sitch and is using all resources possible, including externally published literature. He's been seen whacking off to the latest Sportsnet Magazine articles and trying to get the inside scoop on players.

"Oh yeah, fuckin' LUV Sportsnet Magazine," said Burgundy. "They had an article on Bettman as being potentially the greatest sports commissioner ever. Spot on!"

"Your perspective on Sportsnet Magazine justifies your placement in Tri-Hard!" stated Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.