Combine Results

"Oh yeah, just like that baby."

As in prior seasons, Commissioner Randy is pleased to bring you the official combine results which were analyzed shortly after the Draft. Though Commissioner Randy is more used to the screaming, sweating and breathing beneath his bedroom sheets, he is also accustomed to weighing in on the screaming, sweating and breathing of team prospects, clipboard in hand.

"Again, I'd like to go on record and say that combine results, generally speaking, are useless," chimed in Dick Burns.

Of course, of course. But it does make for fine journalism. Speculating, after all, is what sports analysts are paid to do most of the time. How often are they right? How often do people care? Let's put our logical side away and bring on some speculative fun!

For this year's combine results, I've also asked the Pierres (McGuire and LeBrun) for colour commentary.

... Obviously.

"I fuckin LUV Pierre LeBrun," says Burgs.

Here are the results, fresh off the clipboard from yours truly. [Position, followed by rank, followed by analysis.]

CENTRE

1. Burgs

2. Dick Burns, Sitch

3. Safari, Tree Bone

Mr. Fucking Randy hates giving out ties; in many ways it's a cop-out. I fucking hate myself for giving this position two ties, but I really couldn't split it any other way.

"All I see is the Crosbone taking the cake. 'Nuf said!" cheered Burgundy, showcasing a massive erection.

Burgundy does have the breadth and depth at centre; with Crosby and Tavares as his one-two punch, few other players can intimidate as much as the two. Dick Burns gets honourable mentions with a strong trio in Getzlaf, Kopitar and Toews. I also give an honourable mention to Sitch, who could potentially have a dynamite duo in Stamkos and Seguin, plus a potential sleeper in Nugent-Hopkins.

LEFT WING

1. Dick Burns

2. Safari

3. Burgs

4. Tree Bone

5. Sitch

"Fifth?! C'mon!" sobbed an angry Sitch.

Sorry Sitch, but LW is owned, and I mean REALLY OWNED, by Dick Burns. With Kunitz riding shotgun alongside Crosby, it is probable that he could get 30+ goals again, which will definitely help Team DB this year. Plus, Team DB also has Landeskog, and Mr. Fucking Randy really believes that this will be the coming-out party for him this year.

Adds McGuire: Let's not forget that Team DB has Lucic, a monster, MONSTER player who plays on a strong Boston team. Even if Lucic doesn't score, he always picks up points in shots, hits and penalties. He's such a fine young man!

A fine young man makes a happy Pierre.

Adds LeBrun: But I'm really interested in Safari's LW position. I mean, Jamie Benn had a career year last year, but that's not to say that he won't have another one this year. Pavelski is also a strong contender, even though the League seems to be passing on San Jose in general. Finally, I think JvR is extremely underrated.

RIGHT WING

1. Tree Bone, Burgs

2. Sitch

3. Safari

4. Dick Burns

"Cheerio for me!" said a happy Tree Bone.

"And me!" said a jolly Burgs.

I give the advantages on RW to Tree Bone (St. Louis, Eberle and Perry) and Burgs (Kane, Kessel and Vanek). I almost gave it solely to Burgs, but Tree Bone has Perry who can score and produce fantasy points even if he doesn't hit the score sheet. Additionally, St. Louis appears to age like a fine wine and I cannot write him off. Burgundy should get solid production from Kane, and you can expect some streaky fireworks in Kessel and Vanek, so I gave both select-GMs the nod for this position.

As for the rest of the select-GMs, each has its strengths, but I had to allocate points for depth; in this case, Sitch gets honourable mentions once again as he boasts Hossa, Neal and MacKinnon.

DEFENSE

1. Sitch

2. Safari

3. Burgs, Tree Bone

4. Dick Burns

Assuming Letang has bounce back season, I give the advantage to Sitch. Weber, Byfuglien and Letang should produce handsomely for Abdominal Phenomenal this year and it would be hard to choose a better trio of defensemen. Safari gets honourable mention (Pietrangelo, Yandle, Suter, Ekman-Larsson, Doughty), and I would actually prefer his line-up over Sitch's in an actual NHL roster, but Doughty's solid defensive talents have not been reflected in fantasy points over the last few years.

"Balls!" said Safari.

GOALTENDING

1. Sitch

2. Safari, Dick Burns

3. Burgs

4. Tree Bone

Lundqvist, Crawford and Rinne. I believe Sitch has it.

Adds McGuire: The Rinne selection is a bit of a gamble, but not insane if you ask me. Nashville got a lot stronger during the off-season and I think that will translate into more wins.

Adds LeBrun: I think more weight should have been reflected in Safari and Dick Burns. Safari has Quick, arguably the best goalie in the NHL as far as I'm concerned. Plus, he has Lehtonen who is an extremely underrated goalie now playing on a stronger Dallas roster. Finally, Safari has Miller; there will be haters, but this guy backed Team USA and is a world-class competitor. I think last year was a write-off. As for Burns, you cannot get much better than Price, and I think Varlamov will repeat his fantastic performance from last year.

SUMMARY

Click to enlarge.

In summary, it appears the combine results show a tie between Sitch and Burgs for first overall in this year's Tri-Hard!, though I will say that the deviation from first to fifth was extremely narrow; some positions were so damn close that there could have been several more ties. I refrained from creating ties as much as possible as I simply don't like it. Based on the simulation, it appears it will be a toss up between Sitch and Burgs for the one-two spot, followed by Safari, Dick and Tree Bone.

"I agree with Dick," said Tree Bone. "Combine results mean nothing!"

"And I mean business," said Safari. "No more silver-back this year."

Good luck, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy