Decisions, Decisions - Tri-Hard! Draft Full of Surprises

Getzlaf goes first overall; Avalanche, Stars forwards of interest

"I'll pick him... ?"

It's both thrilling and slightly unfortunate that one of the most exciting and entertaining events that takes place in each Randy League is the Draft. Rarely is the drama or suspense any higher; if only this feeling could last all season long.

This year's Tri-Hard! Draft, which occurred October 2, 2014 at 6:45 EST, was no exception. All five select-GMs went hard at it; (Tree) boning it to no end, conjuring up endless draft (Azn) situations, (Dick) burning it into the wee hours of the morning, hunting for bargains like poachers in the (African Lion) safari and, uh... RON BURGUNDY!

The drama began pre-draft, with timing logistics being the main headline. With two select-GMs (Tree Bone and Safari) drafting overseas and a looming Thanksgiving Long Weekend scheduled for the second week of October, the available times for drafting were limited. Thankfully, a time slot was arranged and all select-GMs made it to the Draft podium, even if some teams registered last minute.

"Last minute? Sounds on time to me," said a calm, collected Dick Burns.

The Draft commenced with an intrusive, unplanned ceremonial CRUNCH performed by - you guessed it - Sitch. A back-to-back winner of the Randy Leagues (Redemption 2013, V 2014), the crunch appeared to be a sign of warning to all other select-GMs.

"Hazzz! You bet!" fist-pumped Sitch. "The title belt shall stay on these washboard abs!"

Dick Burns kicked off the Draft for the second straight year and wasted no time in picking up Ryan Getzlaf of the Anaheim Ducks. As Tree Bone kept Corey Perry as her Keeper, it may have been a defensive move right from the start to ensure Team DB would profit from the scoring Perry is sure to amass for Tree Bone.

"You can analyze the decision in many different ways," said Dick Burns. "I saw it as simply taking the best available player."

With the second overall pick, Jeah! enthusiast Burgundy picked up somewhat forgotten John Tavares, who was injured for most of last year. Owned by Sitch during last year's V, it was apparent that Burgundy's snatching of Tavares irritated the gym rat.

"Oh, it was more irritating than 'tards that don't wipe the machine after they're done!" said Sitch, pounding his callused fist on a table.

Practice safe reps, says Sitch.

"Ebbs and flows, bitch. Ebbs and flows," retorted Burgundy, swirling some scotch. "You've been on the upper cusp of the ebb and flow for too long. Time for a change!"

Burgundy, in response to Sitch's comments.

With the third overall selection, sophomore Tree Bone picked up the first goalie of the Draft, Tuukka Rask. Arguably the most sought after tender going into the season, Rask was worthy of a first round selection, and will without a doubt provide back end support for Mrs. Tree Bone.

"I love it in the back end," cheered Tree Bone.

Silver-backed African Lion Safari had the fourth overall selection and selected Evgeni Malkin, a double edged sword who can #HAM it at both C and RW. Though he is currently day-to-day, the Russian star amassed 72 points last season (23 G, 49 A) and, if healthy, could push for 100 points.

"That'd be radical!" said Safari.

Finishing off the first round ("Finishing! Jeah!" jeered Burgundy) was Sitch, who wasted no time in snatching up Henrik Lundqvist. Lundqvist was a stable point distributor ("Hey, that sounds like puck distributor!" cried Pierre McGuire) for Sitch last year, and it appears he didn't want that slipping away.

"And... he's just so god damn beautiful," said Sitch, drooling.

"Wow..." said Tree Bone.

Aside from the top five selections, notable drafting trends were noted during this year's Tri-Hard! event. Sitch quickly grabbed young-gun Tyler Seguin with the sixth overall selection, which spurred immediate feedback (in the form of swears and jeers) from other select-GMs.

"Honestly, I thought I could have snagged him (Seguin) in a later round. I didn't think Sitch would pick him so early," said Safari, deep in thought. "Sigh... kudos, Sitch."

Seguin's partner in crime, Jamie Benn, was picked up immediately after by Safari (seventh overall selection), which triggered further Dallas Star selections, such as Jason Spezza (Tree Bone, round 11) and Kari Lehtonen (Safari, round 14).

Another notable trend was the bet in Colorado Avalanche players. Dick Burns started it off by snatching Semyon Varlamov (round 3), who had an incredible run last year.

"I hope he does exactly the same this year," said Dick. "Assault charges and all --- too soon?"

Yeah, a little soon, but I appreciate the vulgarity. Anyways, soon after Dick Burns's selection, Burgundy took ownership in Matt Duchene (round 6). Other Avalanche players selected were Nathan MacKinnon (Sitch, round 7), Gabriel Landeskog (Dick Burns, round 9) and Jarome Iginla (Dick Burns, round 14).

"Wait Iginla's on Colorado?!" said Sitch.

Crazy, I know.

In summary, the Draft was full of surprises, and Commissioner Randy can confidently say that the teams are all well-mixed, front end and back end.

"It is important to attend to both," said Dick.

Let's leave it there. Wise words, Dick.