GM's Quarterly II

And just like that, Tri-Hard! is half over. The sheet of ice has been cut, carved and skated on; who will be there to write the ending?

"Sneezy Bear always hangs on, to the very end," said Dick Burns. "If you think I'm rolling over and hitting the hay, think again because Team DB is rock solid; don't even think about tossing me like a horse shoe."

"This is my year!" said Burgundy. "My Crosbone is healthy and my Citizen Kane is waking up. My team has no limit. Jeah!... wait, Jeah? No, that can't be right. Hang on --- (looks at PromptApp) Jeah!"

"I once puked twice in the same purse and still made it to a party," said Tree Bone. "Hence, I'm used to winning (and being supremely classy). Victory shall be mine!"

"Just don't finish second, just don't finish second," repeated Safari.

"Winner's never quit. And who was last year's winner?" asked Sitch, rhetorically.

The stats machine has spat out info for comparing the changes from Q1 to Q2. Here they are:

Let's dish out the awards.

GM OF THE QUARTER - SITCH
(Honourable mention: Burgundy)

Check out the spider bur hair.

He is the current situation, and he hasn't gone away for four weeks now. Sitch sits atop the rankings and is making a serious push towards a third consecutive title. He was the quarter's biggest earner, grabbing 969.15 fantasy points, ahead of second place Burgundy who took home 930.15 fantasy points. Over the quarter, Sitch averaged 3.85 PPGP, well-ahead of the League average of 3.32. He can thank second-round pick Tyler Seguin (26 G, 22 A) and free-agent pick up Vladimir Tarasenko (21 G, 23 A) for his player point accumulations. (FYI: Seguin and Tarasenko are two of the top three player point producers to date.)

In addition to having two of the top three players in the League, Sitch owns Pekka Rinne, who is the League's top goalie with 223.00 fantasy points.

Burgundy gets honourable mention as he did quite well for himself and moved up two spots in the Tri-Hard! rankings. He also averaged 3.50 PPGP himself; not too shabby for the MPA if you ask me.

BUTT-FUCKED OF THE QUARTER - AFRICAN LION SAFARI
(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

It was a tough quarter for Safari.

This was a toss up, but I decided to give this award to Safari as opposed to Tree Bone because Tree Bone's underperformance this quarter was mostly due to her being MIA; as a result, she's way behind in terms of games-played and has an opportunity in the back end ("Jeah! Back end!" said Burgundy) of the season to catch up. Safari, on the other hand, is pretty much on par with games-played and the results did not look so good.

Though he did bring in 818.85 fantasy points over the quarter, his PPGP was 3.08, well below the 3.48 he had through Q1. One of his biggest assets, Jonathan Quick, has not been a great performer this year; he has averaged 3.80 PPGP this season, which is low for goalies. His defense hasn't performed as anticipated either, and currently he does not possess a D-man who can average more than 3.00 PPGP.

Overall, his performance has been luke-warm, which was nothing like the beginning of the season, when he had Jeff Carter putting on a show, as well as all his goalies outperforming. Can you say ebbs and flows?

"That's my line!" screeched Burgundy.

SCOUT OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI
(Honourable mention: Sitch)

Detective Safari, esquire.

Even though Safari was deemed Butt-Fucked of the Quarter, I must commend him for two things: (1) picking up Jakub Voracek as a free agent, and (2) sticking with Alex Ovechkin as his keeper. If someone were to have told me that Alex Ovechkin would be leading all players in terms of Yahoo! fantasy points at the mid-season mark, I would have been skeptical. I would have even bet against it. But Ovechkin has quietly (if I can even say that) had a strong season after a slow start; he tops Tri-Hard! with 194.20 fantasy points. While we may not see 60+ goals from Ovechkin, as we saw him do in 2007-2008, his production thus far is nothing short of spectacular.

Sitch gets honourable mention for this award for picking up Tarasenko (free agent) and Rinne (Round 11).

EoX OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: Sitch)

It's all coming together now...

EoX, a.k.a. Example of Excellence.

"Ohhhhhh," said all select-GMs, in unison.

Burgundy gets the nod for being this quarter's EoX due to many factors. For one, he's become such an astronomical G, parading his MPA around the GTA like he doesn't give a fuck. For his efforts, he was awarded handfuls of interviews and job offers. His talents were so sought after by recruiters that he had to choose between multiple job offers, ultimately choosing contract work for Toronto 2015.

The boost in Burgundy's professional life has also transformed him into fashion aficionado; he now sports a smexy Beckham-like hairstyle, as well as GQ-esque footwear, complete with 100% cedar shoe trees. And, rumour has it he's looking into moving into a bigger space to accommodate his increasingly excellent and classy lifestyle.

That hair...

Sitch get's honourable mention as he also had an excellent quarter, but his hairstyle hasn't changed since grade 7 so he fell short.

"Balls!" crunched Sitch.

Until next quarter, gentlemen and lady.

- the Fucking Randy