Special Engagements

Time for the biggest news of the year so far.

"Wait what? But I haven't broken my ThunderCrunch record yet!" screeched Sitch. "You're not giving me enough time to warm up!"

No Sitch, I'm not talking about your crunches, and I never will. But this post does have to do with you. Over the holiday break, Tri-Hard! was pleased to hear that Sitch and Tree Bone both got engaged.

"My god, this group is dropping like flies!" said Dick Burns.

Indeed, Sir Dick. I don't understand why everyone is so eager to take the plunge, either; Safari was the first to do it in 2012 and now Sitch and Tree Bone have done it two years later. Do you guys (and girl) not realize how awesome it is to be single, like yours truly? I guess not everyone embraces single-life like Mr. Fucking Randy. Oh well. Why should I complain? The more engagements and marriages, the more sweaty, sticky and satisfying nights for me. I can't complain.

Just another Thursday night for Commissioner Randy. #winning

Aside, I am supremely happy for both of you, Sitch and Tree Bone. True love is a hard thing to find for many, but I feel that you both are examples of excellence when it comes to finding the right love. Sitch, just a few years ago you were constantly paranoid about never finding the right person, but look at you now; you have found someone that will be your gym buddy for life. And Tree Bone, who would have ever thought that you'd get such a fine --- 

"Young man?!" interrupted Pierre McGuire.

No Pierre, I was going to say 'fine bother'.

"... Oh," said Pierre McGuire.

I know, uber cheesy, but I do mean it from the bottom of my poutine-clogged heart. Congratulations to you both.

"For the record," said Burgundy, "I knew about Sitch's engagement. I didn't know when he was going to do it exactly, but I knew that it was coming. He used me as a decoy to get away from Ms. Sitch and go ring shopping. I felt so violated!"

"You're blowing me off to go ring shopping?!"

'WTF Burgs? I didn't blow you off! I hung out with you, brah! We went to the Brewery after looking at rings and hung out with Dick!" retorted Sitch.

"... Oh yeah..." said Burgundy.

Sitch proposed on the morning of Christmas Day, and while the general public may have thought he was the first to get engaged over the holiday break, it was actually Tree Bone who was engaged a few days earlier at a secret Tim Horton's location along the 401.

"I wanted to tell everyone, I really did," said Tree Bone, admiring her massive rock (and I'm not talking about the engagement ring). "But we wanted to make sure that family members would be the first to know, so I had to keep it a secret for a little while. Sorry boys!"

"I'm not surprised she didn't tell us," said Dick Burns, non-nonchalantly. "Tree Bone's been getting her doses of massive rocks for quite some time; it's nothing new."

Wise words, Dick.

Again, congratulations to you both!