The IR

He won't be getting any from her tonight.

Otherwise known as the Inconvenient Report, Injured Reserve... you get the picture.

Wit the season about a fifth of the way through one must expect injuries to start showing. For the last few seasons, the injury bug plagued Burgundy. (Just Google 'Crosby concussion' and you'll get a good dosage.) Sitch also encountered key injuries in Steven Stamkos and John Tavares last year, but was able to power through.

"Oh god I remember those days with the Crosbone," said Burgundy, bobbing his noggin. "The headaches I suffered from mulling over Crosby's injury were probably worse than what Crosby experienced."

Let's not go that far, Burgundy. Anyway, this year Burgundy appears to to have been more fortunate, but there are others who have not been so lucky. Let's take a look at each team and their injury status:

TREE BONE

Lately it's been a rough ride for Tree Bone (or should I say broken bone?). Zach Parise, who was having a strong start to the season, is down and out with a concussion ("I feel ya, Tree!" said Burgundy). There is no timetable for his return, which is bad news for Team TB and Minnesota; the Wild have lost three straight without him in the line-up.

"That's bad news for my Kuemper too!" said Safari.

The bad news continues for Tree Bone as her star keeper Corey Perry is also out with the mumps. Perry has missed the last four games but could return to action soon according to sources. It would be a welcome return for Tree Bone, who has dropped to fifth in the Tri-Hard! rankings.

"Oooo the kissing disease!" - Homer Simpson

"This is bullshit," said Tree Bone.

Note: Tree Bone is also without Taylor Hall (knee) and Ryan McDonagh (shoulder).

DICK BURNS

Dick Burns really lost a star in Victor Hedman, who is currently out with a hand injury. He hasn't played since mid-October. Before the injury, he was one of the top scoring defensemen in the NHL and was making Erik Karlsson look like a thing of the past. Though his progress has been promising, it is not expected that he will return until December.

RON BURGUNDY

"Crosbone is alive and well! Leading the way in points, too!" cheered a joyful Burgundy.

It's true; Crosby has been a wet dream for Burgundy and is injury free presently. But, Burgundy's team is currently without Zdeno Chara (knee) and there is no timetable for his return. Though he wasn't scoring a whole lot while he was playing, Chara is considered a stable point producer; he gets shots, hits, blocks and plays on a strong Boston squad.

"I need him," said Burgundy. "I need him like Woody needs Buzz."

"I wrote that," said I, Commissioner Randy.

AFRICAN LION SAFARI

Safari has been pretty lucky so far, but a day-to-day groin injury suffered by Pavel Datsyuk has slowed point production. Datsyuk, who was injured earlier in the season, was on a tear for a while; at one point he amassed 5 G and 3 A in the span of four games. He may be available as soon as Friday though, which may help Safari as he has dropped to second in the Tri-Hard! standings.

AZN SITCH

Sitch has escaped relatively unscathed so far in Tri-Hard! He had day-to-day injuries with Corey Crawford and Frederik Andersen, but both missed minimal time and are back in action. The only injury he carries presently is Patrick Sharp who has been out with a leg injury. It hasn't really affected his overall team performance as Sitch has been able get contributions elsewhere.

In summary, Tree Bone wins the title as "Most Unlucky Select-GM" so far with key injuries to quality point producers. But with Perry on the cusp of a return, it looks like her fortunes may soon change. Only time will tell.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- the Fucking Randy

UPDATE: Looks like Safari pulled a fast one on Commissioner Randy by dropping Datsyuk earlier this morning. Thanks for making me look like a fool, Safari! I'll get you back.